"All the nights seem upset.
All the days are colourless.
There is immense loneliness.
There is immense solitude.
And I am here spending every moment without a trace of love."
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••| Chapter 46 |••
Eleana:
Aena Aunty looked the most terrified out of us all. She was about to cry when he gave her a lopsided smile and brought her hands to his lips. He planted a soft kiss on her hands and looked at her guiltily.
"I am sorry, Mom!"
She stared at him for a while and them quickly engulfed him in a hug. Everybody was again cheerful to see him jolly and happy once again. Soon after, everybody else left the room to bring him some food and everything else that he needed. The doctor had advised him to take some more rest too. His eyes finally landed on me as soon as the crowd around him dispersed and his smile suddenly faded. His eyes turned blank. His expressions were hard to decipher. He gestured me to come near him with a pained look in his eyes and looked at me with his scrutinising gaze as if studying me. He reached out for my hand. He clasped his fingers in mine, fitting them together perfectly and not leaving a single gap. He squeezed it tightly before bringing it close to his chest. He sighed helplessly as if he were tired of everything.
"Please, don't go na!" He broke the painful and eerie silence. His voice croaked and soon enough tears cascaded by the sides of his head again. "Ena, please don't leave me. I can't live without you. Believe me."
I cried with him. "I don't want to." I whimpered helplessly.
When he had learnt about my flight a few days ago, he had said one thing. "I wish I had the power to stop you." And he had all the power to stop me. He stopped me from going back. How could have I gone when he was here waiting for me? I wanted to tell him that he had the power to stop me. And I wish he had the power to stop me from going away from him.
Soon everybody entered the room, bringing in his food and stuff. I quickly went out to hide my tears from them and frantically wiped them away.
"Elly, what's wrong? Hey Elly, look at me. Hey!" Varun whispered softly as I ignored him on the way out and turned my back to him. He turned me around and held me by my shoulders. He had followed me out noticing the redness in my eyes. He held my face in his hands. He brushed away the locks of my hair falling in front of my face and wiped away my tears with his thumb from underneath my eyes.
"Elly, tell me, what's wrong?" He asked in a mere whisper.
"Everything is wrong Varun. Everything!" I yelled at him. I couldn't take it anymore nor keep it inside me for a very long time. He looked shocked at my sudden outburst. He tried to speak something but no words came out of his mouth. He tried to reach for me but then pulled his hand back, curling his fingers back into a fist.
"I am dying. I am leaving all of you guys forever. I am going to die and there's no coming back after that." I yelled at him, unable to keep my tears at bay. His hands dropped to his sides and he looked at me, stunned. He was shocked would be an understatement. I cried as I slumped down on the tiled floor with my back against the concrete wall. The smell of chlorine was filling my flared up nostrils and I could feel drools forming inside my mouth due to the hysterical crying. I could never come to terms with my life coming to an end so soon and among everyone else.
"W-wh-What are You -Sa-Saying?" He stuttered with horrified expressions on his face.
"I am telling the truth Varun. Do you think I left everything and everyone so suddenly without any reason? Do you think Aryan encountered the accident without any reason? No, he was coming for me. He had left me after I told him about myself and my pathetic condition. He must have changed his mind and was coming for me when he encountered with that horrible accident. I am a bad omen for everyone. It's better if I die." I enlightened him.
He stood rooted to his place with his hands fisted in balls.
"What is the problem with you?" He asked after a prolonged silence.
"I have brain tumour!" I stammered finally.
"No!" was his immediate response just like Aryan.
"It's the truth, Varun!" I convinced him and more than him, I convinced myself.
"No, Elly! This can't happen. Never!" He said, not believing my words.
"This is happening. This was why I left you people. This was why I didn't want to come back. This was why I never wanted to be in contact with you people anymore. Because I will miss you guys like anything. I don't know how would I be able to leave you people. You people are literally my life." I broke down in front of him. "I am so scared of being alone. I just want to stay here. I don't want to go."
He settled beside me on the floor and stared at my face as if hoping to find some humor in my words. His lips formed into a frown and his eyebrows were knitted together in sadness. His lips were pressed in a thin straight line. He pulled me towards him and hugged me tightly. He caressed my head with his hands and whispered soothing words to help me calm down.
"We won't let you go Elly. You're our life. I will protect you. I won't allow anyone to snatch you away." He whispered as he kissed the crown of my head. I buried myself in him, trying to hide from my destiny and my ruthless fate. I was such a coward to accept my reality that I always kept putting the blame on my fate and destiny. Had I been courageous enough to face the reality and think rationally about everything, the situations would have been much different than as they were now. Maybe Aryan wouldn't have suffered as much as he did now. But what else could I do rather than regretting over the foolish choices that I had made.
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We were all sitting in Aryan's hospital room. He was sitting with his back leaning against the head board. His forehead had a bandage wrapped around it and his arm had a sling that would be removed soon. Aena Aunty was feeding him the soup. The environment had again turned gloomy and sad. Apparently, when Varun and I were talking, somebody else was listening too. Obi had overheard everything and now everyone knew about my pathetic condition. They were giving me sorry looks. Half of them still couldn't believe that. Nobody was able to speak anything. Nobody wanted to believe it. Even I wanted it to be a dream. I wanted someone to wake me up from this horrible dream. The doctors had examined Aryan a while ago and told us that he could leave tonight provided that he would take proper care of himself at home. Aryan was very much impatient to go back. Everybody was trying to avoid eye contact with me as if I would burn them in my misery too. Geet was staring at me with undecipherable expressions as I sat beside Mom with my head on her shoulder and hugged her to myself. I went out to bring some water for myself. I went to the water dispenser and drank a glass. When I turned around, I came face to face with Geet.
"Elly?" She sighed.
"Yeah?" I asked her.
"What have you done? This was not the way." She almost cried out.
"Then tell me Geet, what could have I done? What other choice did I have?" I asked with my croaking voice.
"You shouldn't have left." She gave me a disappointed look.
"And see him and everyone else breaking? I couldn't do that Geet. I just couldn't. I love them more than my own life and I can never even think of hurting them. You won't understand my inner turmoil that I was facing at that time. I was too shocked myself and I just thought that I was going to die right away. " I replied.
"Did you get any treatment there?" She asked.
"I did. But it was of no use." I sighed exasperatedly. "Now would you please excuse me? I don't want everyone to talk about me and my pathetic condition." I spoke rudely.
She couldn't care any less. Instead of listening to me, she pulled me into a tight hug. "We're with you in this. We won't leave you alone, ever."
We went back to the room and the doctors and nurses discharged Aryan. Varun and Ashar helped him to walk back to the car. We all went to Aryan's home. Obi and Ricky helped him climb the stairs to his bedroom as we all sat together there. Mom and Dad left soon and I stayed here. Aryan's mom brought him his chicken corn soup and fed him like a little baby. She pushed his hair away from his forehead with her hand and kissed his cheek. Everybody decided to leave as they thought that it was better to let him rest for a while. Too much disturbance or noise in his room would only worsen and slow down his recovery process. I grabbed my sling bag and slung it across my shoulder, getting ready to leave. I got up from the black leather couch that I was sitting on and headed towards the door. Just as I was about to turn the door knob around, I heard him whisper. "Stay!"
He whispered so faintly that I would have missed if the room was not utterly silent. The only sounds in the room were our heavy breaths and the ticking of the clock. Every tick of the clock scared me to death. It reminded me that I was stepping closer and closer to my oblivion that was my greatest fear. I felt as if a sword was hanging above my head with a rope, waiting for the rope to break lose and the sword would come down cutting through my flesh. I turned around and looked at his face. He gave me a pleading look, that told me that he was ready to cry with me tonight. He told me with his eyes that I won't cry myself to sleep alone tonight and that he would hold me as long as I would need him to. He told me that he still had hope. He told me that he could do something and that he wanted to do something. Turning around, I took slow steps towards his bed and reached near his side. He instantly grabbed my hand and whispered again.
"Stay with me tonight, Ena."
I was staring at the ground, avoiding eye contact with him at all costs. I knew I would break down if I looked into his eyes. I didn't want to lose my composure in front of him again. I had enough of my tears. I had enough of punishing myself. If this was my fate, if this was my destiny and if this was my punishment for a sin that I didn't commit, then so be it. I didn't care if I was alive or dead anymore as long as I was sure that my Aryan was fine. His well-being mattered more to me than my own life.
Swallowing the lump in my throat, I slowly nodded my head once and pulled my hand away from his. I settled back on the couch fiddling with my fingers and staring at the wooden floor. I looked around his room. Every single thing had a memory attached to it. Be it the window, the bed or the table. Even the couch that I was sitting on reminded me of so many moments that we had shared in this particular room. The TV screen and the bean bags, everything made the tears sting my eyes.
"Ena!" He sighed again.
"Hmm?" I asked still looking down at the ground.
"Please come to me." His vulnerable voice gave away everything that he was trying to hide. I put my bag aside and climbed on the bed beside him. He instantly wrapped his arms around my petite and pale figure. I buried my face in the crook of his neck and shoulder and cried my heart out, taking in everything that he was offering me at that time. Who knew if I would be able to ever enjoy this closeness, this intimacy and this comfort again? Instead of helping me to calm down, he broke down with me and showed me his vulnerability. He was no longer a strong Aryan. He had been broken many times. The damage had been done. It was beyond repair and beyond any therapy.
"Why are you going Ena? Why are you leaving me?" He cried.
"I don't know the answer myself!" I responded like a lifeless soul.
"Ena don't do this to me."
"Aryan, please don't let me go!" I pleaded him. I begged him to stop me. I kept my palm in front of my mouth and buried my face in the side of his body. "I am scared to the core. I am scared of being alone there but most of all I am scared of not being with you, Aryan!" I cried more and more.
"Baby, that will never happen. You won't be alone and that's my promise to you!" He spoke trying to ease my pain, trying to share my pain.
"Aryan, I love you so much!" I finally spoke while crying. He needed to know. "You were my first, my last and my most perfect."
"Ena, I love you more than you do and my love is not weak enough to let you slip away from my hand without any effort. You're my life. If there's no Ena, there's no Aryan. Remember that!" He spoke with seriousness etched all over his face.
The night was just spent in crying in each other's arms, craving for each other's soothing, comforting and miraculous embrace. He kept holding me all night long and didn't leave me even for a split second. Somewhere deep down, I selfishly didn't want him to even leave me ever and keep on holding onto us like this stubbornly. I wanted him to fight with my fate and help me come back but I knew that was just the imagination of my stupid and hopeless brain. Sometimes I wished that I didn't even have a brain and sometimes I think that I shouldn't have been born. I would have never met Aryan and I would have never thought about him or cared about him to this extent when it scared me as well. We didn't say a word to each other except that he had vowed to fight till the very last breath. He was not ready to leave the battlefield even after losing hope. Instead, he was ready to struggle and suffer till the end point even if it meant self destruction. He had stepped into a battle field and there was no turning back. Either he would have to reach the finish line or he would be destroyed by his enemies before trying to reach the finishing line. He was racing my race. He was fighting my battle. Whereas I felt like, I was stuck in the labyrinth of my life and there was no way out. It's not really life or death but it's the suffering that we have to go through. Death is eternal and nobody can stop it but what about the suffering that the dying one and the other people go through. Sure, time heals everything but is that true enough? Maybe my other friends will forget that there was someone named as Eleana in their group in maybe next fifty years but will my parents ever be able to forget their only daughter who meant the world to them? Will my parents ever be able to live their life like before ever again? Will they be able to fill the vacuum of my presence with someone else? Will they be able to see my corpse in front of their eyes when they themselves are stale and healthy? No! And not only them, Will Aryan ever be able to forget me? I think, no. Our love maybe not that strong but when it came to our friendship it was hard as a rock. It never broke. Even though, sometimes the water seeped in through the cracks but it never crumpled. The first person whom I felt other than the nurses holding me was Aryan even before feeling our parents. We were even in the same incubators.
He woke up beside me and I got up to change his bandages. He kept laying there as I brought his cream and fresh bandages from the first aid box. I changed it quickly and went to the washroom to freshen up myself. When I looked in the mirror, all I saw was a living corpse. There was nothing left in me. My body was awfully pale. My complexion had darkened. My eyes had bulged out creating huge eye bags under them. My eyes were red from all the crying of previous night. My cheeks were tear stricken. Nevertheless, I washed my face with extra cold water to regain my senses and my consciousness. I wiped my face with the towel and came out to see Aena Aunty already present there and feeding him the breakfast. When she noticed me, she gave me a smile as if nothing had happened before this.
"Oh Elly, you're here. Come on! let's have breakfast." She said faking enthusiasm to make me feel better.
I gave her a forced smile and settled beside her on the chair beside the bed.
"You guys are hitting mid twenties yet you both are still my babies." She said smiling at us as she fed me the soup along with Aryan.
"Mom, bas! [Stop] I am full." Aryan spoke stopping her hand that was holding the spoon.
"You sure?" She asked.
He nodded in a satisfying manner. She continued to feed me the rest of the content. I got two pair of parents to love me. I was more than lucky yet I was being ungrateful to God by complaining about my fate and about my destiny. Everybody is scared of death and so was I but now I was ready to take on whatever challenges my life was going to throw at me. Aena Aunty got up and placed a kiss on Aryan's forehead. She then turned towards me and cupped my cheek in one of her hand. She kissed my head and smiled at me in an assuring manner. "You're not gonna be alone. Okay?"
She spoke and I nodded with tears in my eyes. I hugged her tightly, craving to be wrapped in motherly arms. She hugged me back and couldn't control her tears. "You're my daughter as well Elly and I love you as much as your mom does. Don't ever think that you're alone. We're with you forever." She spoke hugging me back tightly.
She pulled away and smiled at me through the tears swimming around her irises. When she left, I grabbed my stuff. "Aryan, I am going to my home. I will be back soon." I told him and he nodded with a blank face.
I went to my home and the door was already opened. I got inside and mom and dad were waiting for me discussing something. As soon as I entered, they stopped. I went towards them and hugged them separately. I was not going to cry anymore and be a self-pitying person. If this was going to be my end, then I was ready to embrace it whole-heartedly. I sat with my mom and dad for sometime in the living room after changing into another pair of jeans and a beige turtleneck sweater with a muffler around my neck.
"Mom, will you miss me?" I asked suddenly, trying to keep my voice composed as much as possible.
She looked at me with a pained expression. "You're my life, baby!" She whispered and pulled me towards her. She kissed my face several times, wrapping me in her secure arms.
I asked the same question to my dad, "Will you miss me, Dad?" He was silent, absolutely silent. Daughters are supposed to ask this question on the day of their wedding when they are going to someone else's place and leaving their parents but oh the irony of my life.
"Dad, tell me?" I asked him again shaking him my his shoulders.
"Eleana!" He sighed. He did not say anything but just added another pair of comforting arms over my body. I kept sitting there, snuggled up with my mom and dad on either sides, hiding safely in my own cocoon, like a butterfly hid in her larvae before flying away. Their embrace worked as a protection shield. I felt like I was a child again, the same old Eleana who would come crying to her mom and dad about her Aru teasing her and they would hug her together.
"Don't ever forget me, you both!" I told them, smiling in between my tears.
I saw dad gulping the bile in his throat. My dad was always a man of few words when it came to expressing. He loved me as much as mom did but he was never able to express through his words. But actions spoke louder than words and he showed me by his actions how much he loved me. We spent almost an hour in our little bubble where I felt the most loved before heading out to Aryan's. Mom and Dad accompanied me this time. We went to Aryan's room after greeting Aena Aunty and Sahir uncle. Aryan was now much better. He could now walk properly on his own. There was a little paralysis in his left arm but he didn't use it much since he was a right-handed person.
"How are you beta?" Mom asked him.
"Perfectly healthy. You don't need to worry about me now." He answered.
When, Mom and dad left, Aryan and I were again alone in his room. Varun had texted me that he would be reaching soon. The eerie silence was killing me. Aryan was fiddling with his fingers sitting in front of me on his bed and looking like a nervous wreck. It seemed like he was struggling to speak something.
"Ena?" He spoke finally.
"Hmm?" I replied trying to act very concentrated in my mobile phone.
Just then, the door opened and Varun entered.
"Hey JANEMAN [Sweetheart]!" He spoke enthusiastically while engulfing me in a hug. He then went towards Aryan and gave him a brotherly hug.
"Yo Champ! Already better!" He remarked and Aryan gave him a forced smile.
I knew Varun was trying to lighten the heavy atmosphere but it was not helping right now.
"Varun! Please stop!" Aryan snapped at him. "Ena, I need to talk to you!"
"Then talk, I am listening!" I told him focusing on my phone screen.
"I want to see all of your reports from the very beginning. I want to study your case. I want to take your case. I want to handle it myself." He spoke sternly, maintaining his guard.
Varun literally jumped beside me and went to hug Aryan. "That's awesome Bro! I am with you."
"No!" I spoke. "I can't do this."
"Why Elly? Give him a chance at least?" Varun pleaded.
"No Varun, I won't be able to do this. I won't be able to hold myself together. Again." I whimpered bowing my head low.
Aryan came forward and kneeled down in front of me. He held my clasped hands in his own and pulled my chin up with his hand.
"I want to do this Ena." He spoke looking into my eyes, making me lose myself in the moment.
"Aryan!" I whispered.
"Ena, I want to fight for you. I want to give it a try. I want to hope once again. I want to help you. Even though I know there's no hope but I still want to hope. I want this Ena. I will fight all your battles. I will fight all your demons. I want to help you fight till your last. I want to struggle for you till your last breath Ena. Believe me. I won't let you go without trying. I just want your trust otherwise I would be left with a regret for a lifetime. I promise, I won't leave you alone. I will be with you at every step." He pleaded with genuineness in his eyes. The tears were twinkling in his eyes making me feel guilty of myself. I cupped his face in my hands and wiped away his tears.
"Elly please, Do this for me, for us, for your friends? Please give it a try. Please for me at least. I know you love me more than Aryan." Varun winked at me making me chuckle in between my tears. Varun was the one who had been there for me always. He was there for me when Aryan and I were going through a rough phase. He held me always. He never let me break. And so I agreed for him.
"Ok-ay! I trust you!"
Both of them squealed together as Aryan jumped beside me on the couch and both of them hugged me tightly, making me choke.
"Okay, so bring me all your files and reports." He instructed and I nodded.
Varun accompanied me on the way to my home across the street. I went to my room and rummaged through the files. He plopped down on my bed as I searched through my files.
"Got'em." I announced and then we walked back to his room.
In the meanwhile, the gang had joined us. As they saw Aryan going through my files, they gave questioning looks.
"Guys, Aryan has taken up Eleana's case." Varun announced.
"Really?" They asked, surprised.
Aryan nodded solemnly. And so I was going to be in his hands, at his mercy. He could make me whole again or he could break me completely. I was all his.
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