I didn't know what to think. My mind was empty, but at the same time it was filled with questions. How obvious could I be? I didn't even know what she meant to me at that time.
Cory looked sorry, but I knew he didn't regret it. "And before we left to California."
Remembering California made me shiver. In no way did I want to think about it. When I woke to head back to Dallas I remembered everything. I was so angry at myself I didn't bother to look at her, and that was when I decided to stay away from her for good. What happened with Xavier was one thing too, after that she couldn't stand me at all.
"When we were joking around and running around the house." He said.
I was mad thinking about it, but I let down my walls with Cory so I smiled like I truly wanted to. It was a sad memory, when we laughed together. For someone as clumsy as her, she still had a way of looking graceful.
"Ok, Cory." I said dismissively and just wanted to forget about it.
"No." He said again. "I know what you want. You may not want it now, but I know you'll want me to see her."
"I never said th-"
"But you will." This kid needed to stop interrupting me. "And I'll do it, under one condition."
I couldn't help but smirk at the proposition he had for me. Though I lost it as soon as he spoke.
"Admit you love her." I scoffed and turned around to walk away.
"Fine, don't bother coming back, asshole." Cory yelled behind me.
"Cory!" I scolded him and he only smirked back at me when I turned to face him.
"Admit it."
"No, I won't say it." I fought. "It's not true."
"You'd be admitting it. We both know you love her, but if you keep lying to yourself you'll go crazy." Cory said things like he knew from experience. He turned from the flirty and crazy seven-year-old to the calm, patient, and exteremely wise eleven-year-old.
"I have to go, Cory. You're popcorn is in the game room." I walked to my car this time.
"Don't bother coming back." He repeated angrily as I drove off.
I felt bad, I felt guilty. But wasn't it too much to ask of me? To.. Admit one tiny little thing? It wasn't just a tiny little thing. It was the gate to reality, once I said it, it would be true. And I would have to live with the constant reminders of my feelings for her. It was safe now to just say I hated her.
Cory didn't like Macy now. I was thankful, but bitter at the same time for that. Why couldn't he be happy, and maybe make me be happy, too?
It was three in the afternoon when I got back. Macy's monster Titan truck sat in the front and reminded me of my own. Sure it wasn't as good as hers, not one slightest bit, but it was all Matthew.
When I stepped out I wanted to go in, but I didn't want to see her face. Even at the front door I heard her laughter. I tried to make the rush of unlocking the door as quick as possible, making less noise, but with the squeaky door as soon as I opened it, all heads turned to me. Calley was there. She didn't like me.
Everyone turned back to do what they were doing, but there was a problem. Macy didn't turn her head. She was so engrossed with a framed picture of her and Xavier to even acknowledge me.
When she couldn't see me, I always wondered if she could feel my glares. It would result in her meeting my eyes, and that's what wanted, but I remember always seeing the hurt in her when I could read them. I didn't want to care.
It was again, another reminder that I could no longer read her. I took advantage of that gift, the gift of her unaware-openess, just for me because she was a damn good liar, but that bullshit never got past me. I knew from experience. I knew because I'm still a damn good liar.
"Conrad, cook for us!" Xavier said happily.
He turned into such a child when Macy was around. When she was in London he wouldn't speak much. Neither of us would. He was depressed since she was gone and I can't say I wasn't either. It still hurt, it always did, but it was just different.
"No." And I turned around and filled a glass of whiskey. I hated it, honestly. I don't understand anyone who enjoys the taste of whiskey, but it burned and was almost like everything that happened with Macy burned with it for a second, then it would start again and I wanted to drink it more. With her in front of me it took a bit of a longer gulp to push her away. For a milisecond.
"No one here can cook but you." Xavier stood up and kicked the back of my leg, making me wobble and almost fall off the counter I leaned on.
"And little-miss-Macy can't?" I mocked, shooting her a look. I didn't know what look it was, but either way she didn't see it. And I know it wasn't a nice look.
"No, not really!" Xavier whispered loudly, trying to be quiet enought for only me to hear. She heard him though, she turned her head and glared at him with a slight pout, it was when I saw her as the old Macy. It was short, but was enough to make me barely laugh.
Macy caught it and looked at me. She looked at me like a normal person. I didn't mean to chuckle, I just wanted to see more of that Macy. It was like she looked to the right and that was it, there was nothing to the fact that she looked at me. It hadn't always been like that.
...
"Thanks Conrad." Xavier said with a wide smile.
I ended up cooking for all three of them. Calley sat up straight, annoying me further. Xavier was stuffing his face with the fried ravioli I made him, and his sister. Who ate freely, not caring to look dainty, but not daring to look unpolite. She just looked natural with everything she did.
At Xavier's sister's side was the large lion who might as well be the owner of the place. Journey stared at her food and she shoved him playfully. "No." She said sternly and the dog bowed his head to her and nudged it in a sorry way to her side. Her hand immediately stroked his golden fur in a calming way. What I would give to be her dog. It was a stupid wish, and I felt angry for having the most ridiculous thought I could have.
Cooking wasn't fun. I don't know why I did it for them. The mood I was in made me want to stab every wall, but I had to settle for stabbing the ravioli.
"Hey idiot." Xavier called smacking my arm.
I glared at him in response.
"What's the matter with you?" He asked.
"Nothing," I said, and he annoyed me a lot so I didn't bother seeming polite.
"Then are you deaf or something? Macy was talking to you."
I felt an uncomfortable heat coming over me and I looked at her. She smiled the same way, but this time it didn't mean anything. It was like she wasn't even smiling at me. "I was just saying this is really good." She said, getting up. Her plate was empty so I believed her passively.
"Thanks." I tried saying but it just sounded like I was muttering to myself.
"Conrad, where did you learn to cook so well?" Calley asked me nicely.
I shrugged. It would be stupid and embarrassing to admit I stole my dead aunt's cookbooks and learned anything and everything I could when it came to cooking. The most stupid thing ever to say, so I just tried to brush it off. "I guess I picked up a thing or two from my aunt." As soon I finished I stood up to empty my plate and headed upstairs before they had me making dessert.
It was past the middle of the night and I heard water going off. My door was open, just in case. In case for what? It was an excuse. I knew she'd be up at this time.
I was, once again, studying for no reason.
Macy was doing laundry. I saw her shadow moving gracefully and when she bent down to grab Xavier and I's clothes, her hair fell like a waterfall. Piece after piece, and she was probably scrunching up her nose like she often did when her hair was in her face.
I reminded me of when I first met Mason. After he left his hat I found myself teasing her, just to see that pouting face of hers. She made me angry and she still does.
My lamplight was on, but she probably didn't even notice. It annoyed me how she was still up at this time. She's distracting and I needed to read to sleep and I couldn't sleep if I couldn't read because she' was distracting me from reading.
"Journey, go to bed. I'm sorry for keeping you up." I heard her whisper quietly to her dog. What if she knew she was keeping me up?
Getting out of bed, I turned on my big light and widened the door, and she looked at me frightened for a second. She flinched.
I was reminded of the painful time when she came back with her friend Mary. When she rushed into the warm closet and I went in to see if she was alright. It was cute, actually. She went in like a child and shivered. It gave me goosebumps to see her eyes close and mouth part from the cold, it made me wish I had done it. When I took her into Xavier's room, I really wanted her and I know it was my stupid guy voice telling me that, but I tried to push it aside.
In there when we talked, I felt so close to her. It wasn't just a loving close, it was a family close. I saw her as a part of me and I wanted to see her smile. "It's snowing." I told her, and her face fell. It did the opposite. I always seem to make her unhappy and it pissed me off. "I hate snow." She said back. Who hates snow? It was a stupid thing for her to believe. Snow was great. And when she was about to leave I didn't want her to go. For some odd and disurbing reason when she flinched it made me feel something. "Macy, are you afraid of me?" I asked her. Her words will forever be stuck in my head. "Why would I be afraid of you?" She said. "You're a sad lonely man who drinks and gets high to try to feel happy. You're the one afraid."
Ever since that day, I'd ask myself if it was true. How long until I die from it? When will be my breaking point?
I knew the answer.
"Oh, hi." She said sleepily and her bright eyes squinted from the light coming from my bedroom. "Did I wake you?" She asked with a hint of worry.
She seemed delusional. She wobbled a bit and yawned constantly. In her right hand she clenched her phone tightly.
"Go to bed, Macy." I said quietly.
She shook her head like the stubborn bitch she was. "No.. there's... so much to do! And- And.." She looked around and blinked a few more times. Backing up, she almost fell over a pile of clothes but I reached out and caught her, My hands were around her back and I noticed how tired she was, and took this oppurtunity to bring her closer to me.
She checked her phone and furrowed her brows, and the light was too much and her sleepy eyes watered. I slowly pushed her closer to me and she yawned, throwing her head back lightly and then leaning it against my chest. She closed her eyes for a minute and looked so tired.
I scooped her up and layed her down in her room. She moved her arm over her bed instantly and after feeling nothing she sat up in alert. "Journey?" She called quietly. "Baby, where are you?" She asked sweetly, and there her knight came and hopped onto the bed and took up most of it, but he still snuggled up to her side.
I had to leave, I know I did. But it was so hard when she slept like an angel and made me long for the real her to come back.