Effort At Its Finest (Brother's Bestfriend)

All It Takes

"'Why do you smoke so damn fast?'

'Y'all smoke to enjoy it. I smoke to die.'"

- John Green

~

I was just standing outside, blocking out their voices and a certain British accent introduced himself to Cory. A buzz suddenly wasn't enough, and I felt worried and wondered if I hadn't really fixed my old dangerous habit.

Why was I so lonely? Why was she so right when she called me a sad and loney man who did drugs to feel good? That night was just all over the place for me. It was snowing, I said I 'hated her' then I carried her up the stairs and warmed her in Xavier's room, then next thing I know she pulling away from me and I was saying things I'd regret. Things I wanted to regret.

Then I tried to figure out any signs of Xavier knowing about my feelings for her. Her feelings for me too.

It never made sense to me in the first place why he chose me to watch her that month. That fun-filled month that made me get to know her. We had small gestures for eachother, like I'd leave extra coffee for her some mornings, she usually always did something nice that surprised me.

I liked to surprise her too. Like when I came home drunk after not seeing her for a month. The truth was, I was at my real house and my dad was being himself. Like always.

"Conrad, get a girl and quit being so lonely."

"And have her leave me and I turn into a lonely sad addict like you?" I told him. I never had respect for him. I never had respect for women because of my mother. Cliché of course, the typical addict who had mommy issues. I was pathetic. That's why when I met Macy it all confused me so much because she was just so respectful in general. She was caring and loving and Xavier treated her like a princess, and she loved him like a mother would. So I tried a little too hard not to respect her, and it turned me into a bipolar monster. I couldn't control the mood swings she'd give me, how she laughed at me sometimes and there was no way for me to hold back the tugging ends of my lips.

Hearing her voice as I stood in front of the house I also heard Jared's laugh. Could she really act as if nothing ever happened between us? Like she never told me she loved me, and said that I loved her. How she tried so hard for me to look into her eyes and suddenly kissing me.

It was too good to be true, but it still happened.

She talked to me like a normal person now. Rarely did she ever do that before. It was always silence and her eyes told me everything I needed to know.

I know nothing now.

"Conrad?" Cory poked his head out the door.

"Hey." I blew out smoke into the air and he watched me. "What?" I snapped and didn't look at him.

"Wanna come inside or something?"

"No."

He sighed and looked back in the house and I thought he was going to go back inside, but he walked out and stood next to me. "Are you mad?"

"No."

"Yeah you are."

"Why would I be?"

The kid shrugged and crossed his arms. We didn't speak because I felt myself getting angry, I'm sure Cory saw it too.

I finished off that cigarette and slid down the wall to sit and closed up the box and hiding away my lighter.Cory sat next to me.

"I don't understand how you did it." Cory said.