DISCLAIMER
I do not own Harry Potter ... but RIP Michael Gambon. I am devastated that he's gone ... writing Dumbledore won't be the same now :(
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The third year of Bel's time at Hogwarts came to a close on a Friday at the end of June.
Emotional goodbyes were something she still wasn't fond of.
The process of separating from her friends for the summer would never fail to make her feel like the old Bel.
The little girl who was alone.
Forced to be raised in orphanages where there had only ever been one person she could call a friend.
Away from truth and answers about who she was.
Suffering from the cruelty of not only the children around her but the adults running the places too.
There was a time in her first year where Bel thought that life was a better one than the one she was dealt in the Wizarding World.
But now, as Bel sat in her dorm room, her friends all rushing around packing up their final bits and pieces to go home, she glanced out of the window and knew that thought was one she would never have again.
The wizarding world now had an unbreakable tie to her heart.
A tie that couldn't be broken no matter how much danger she was put in or how much she had to sacrifice to live up to her duties.
Bel had found friends there that she would keep for life.
And she had found her mother after all these years.
Speaking of, Bel had recently found herself in a strange state of grieving.
She never really grieved the loss of her parents when she first discovered their fate that day Dumbledore took her from St Hildens.
It was more the idea of a family she sought after.
But now she knew who her mother was, Bel could picture that idea in her mind.
Days spent out in her clearing with Willow Brodwick as they tended to all sorts of little fluffy creatures.
Moments where her mother would have been there to defend her and stand by her no matter what.
Late at night when Bel suffered from her nightmares, her mother, with that calming smile and soft eyes, could have snuggled up next to her and whispered stories of when she was a baby.
Stories of herself and Harry playing together with Remus and Sirius watching over them.
Stories of how brave she was in the war.
Stories of how her and Lily Potter had been the best of friends during school.
Stories about what a horrible man her father was and how they're glad to have him out of their lives.
It would have been just the two of them as mother and daughter.
Tackling the challenges Bel now had to face on her own.
And so, the daughter left without a mother grieved.
She grieved for those words that would never be spoken. The fact that she would never get to speak to her mother.
She grieved for all the moments they could have shared together, now floating just out of reach. A possibility that could never become reality.
It was easier, back when Bel didn't know anything about her mother.
She didn't have a name, let alone a face, to grieve over.
Now she had so much more than that.
She had a sense of the amazing person Willow Brodwick had been.
And it ran through her veins, saving her from darkness each and every day.
It was because of the information Bel now had; she could grieve.
And it hurt.
It was painful for her mind to think of such things.
Which was only all the more motivation for Bel to decide to take up Occlumency lessons from Snape.
To help her miss her mother a little less.
To help her hate her father a little less.
To help her pick herself up and dust herself off, knowing that there would still be more danger lying ahead.
"May ... have you seen that yellow top I leant you in first term?"
Tia's voice snapped Bel from her thoughts.
Bel had involuntarily started to weep as she stared out the window, as always occurred when she started to feel grief for her mother.
It had been something that she simply couldn't hide from those in her dorm room, as it happened every night.
Something Bel hated. She was like Tia in that sense.
Perhaps not as good at hiding her emotions, but Bel didn't like it when people saw her as broken.
She wasn't allowed to be broken.
"Oh, May", Tia whispered with sympathy as the two girls met eyes.
The very loyal and deeply caring friend approached Bel on the windowsill, snuggling up to her and wrapped her in a tight hug.
"Thinking about your mum again, huh?" Tia whispered as she held onto her.
Since it was an impossibility to hide just why Bel was reduced to tears every night, she had caved and told her closest friends that she discovered who her mother was.
She lied and said Dumbledore had found out.
She also lied and said that there was still no information on her father.
All they knew was that Bel's mother was called Willow Brodwick and had died in the war.
"I miss her, Tia", Bel whispered back, trying to get her tears under control.
Before Tia could reply, someone burst through the door.
"May ... Ollie was wondering when Dumbledore was going to let you take some days off so that we –"
Riley came to a very abrupt stop upon seeing the two girls huddled in an embrace by the window.
As an empath of sorts, Riley pretty much immediately burst into tears herself, running over to them and joining in the hug.
"Have you been looking at that letter again?" Riley asked.
The letter from her mother.
The only thing Bel had directly from her.
It had been removed many times over the past few days from that little box.
She hadn't planned on it, but Bel had initially opened it to put the feather from Buckbeak in there when her heart just couldn't help itself.
The letter was now joined in the box by Willow's obituary.
Bel wished she had something more.
Like a book of pictures that Hagrid had given to Harry.
But she was too terrified that such a book would contain images of her father.
Currently, Bel had no interest in knowing what he looked like.
Before her Occlumency lessons could begin, it would be so much worse if Bel could put a face to the man that kills her mother in her dreams.
So that was all she had.
"It's stupid", Bel sniffled as a reply to her friend, finally managing to get her tears to stop.
"Don't say that. It's normal to miss your own mother, May", Riley replied, almost scolding her.
"But I didn't before", Bel said, getting rather annoyed at herself.
She was so attuned to her own mind, practicing multiple times every week to filter though her thoughts and memories.
This was like a betrayal.
Her mind turning on her to make her feel grief and anger and sadness.
It wasn't fair.
Both Tia and Riley shared a look, knowing that their word on this was practically useless.
Neither had lost a parent, and so had remained uncertain as to how they should tackle comforting their best friend.
But they did know of a way to help her.
"Why don't you go and find Harry", Riley offered.
"He's probably busy packing", Bel sniffled as she pulled herself up from the windowsill, going over to slump down on her bed.
Gus flew over to join her, not wanting to leave his distressed owner's side.
"I think he'd make time", Riley pointed out, trying not to sound suggestive of just why he would make the time.
"No. I don't want to bother him", Bel said sternly as she picked up and pillow and bought it down over her face.
"You haven't told him, have you?" Tia then asked after a momentary silence.
"What?" Bel's muffled voice came from under the pillow.
"You haven't told him how much pain you're in", Tia explained.
She was right.
Bel was, once again, back to her old habits of keeping things from her friends.
It was one thing to not seem broken in front of her Hufflepuff friends, but those in Gryffindor knew of her true purpose and had seen her in action.
They really couldn't see her suffering at all.
Especially not Harry.
Bel didn't know why, but he cared way too much.
Alarmingly so.
And she didn't want to worry him just before they were separated for summer.
"May ... I can't believe I'm going to suggest this ... but you need to go and talk to Potter", Tia then said, taking Bel's silence as an answer.
"It's been like this for days, maybe he can help", Riley added.
Bel also knew she was right.
Harry could help because he could understand.
But whether she wanted to burden him with her own issues was another thing.
He also lost his parents, he also had to say goodbye to his godfather.
They were in the same boat, and Bel was positive he wasn't feeling the same way as she was.
That much was evident from how excited he had been recently surrounding Ron's offer of going to the Quidditch World Cup that was to take place in summer.
Bel had to reject the offer to go with them with a very heavy heart, knowing she had to stay at Hogwarts for training.
Another sacrifice.
"What would happen if I said to stop worrying and that I'll be fine and that I don't think Harry can help?" Bel decided to ask.
Silence ensued, and she removed the pillow from her face, propping herself up on her elbows to see her two friends still sat on the windowsill adorning very unamused expressions.
"We'll drag you to the Gryffindor common room", Tia said flatly.
Bel chuckled.
"I'd like to see you try."
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"Let go of me! This is completely ridiculous!"
Bel's protests weren't doing much.
Her earlier joke was taken very seriously by her Hufflepuff friends.
In an instant, Riley and Tia had left the dorm room in silence, returning five minutes later with four other people.
Cedric and Patrick had lifted her legs, Riley and Tia her arms, and Winston and Ollie were propping up her back.
The result was Bel held totally captive by six Hufflepuffs as they carried her out of the dorm and through the common room.
"Not until we get you to the Gryffindor common room", Tia replied from where she was gripping onto Bel's left arm.
"I am perfectly capable of walking there myself", Bel spat as she tried to squirm free, but everyone's hold on her was too strong.
"As if you would! If we let you down now, you'd make a run for it", Winston joked.
"No I wouldn't", Bel mumbled.
"Liar", all six of them replied at the same time.
As they carried her through the almost abandoned hallways, considering everyone was in their dorm rooms packing, Bel decided it was useless to try and get out of it.
Of course, if she really wanted to, using one wandless magic spell would set her free.
But she didn't want to use such magic on her friends.
And, even if she hated to admit it, they were right.
Talking to Harry would help.
And she needed as much help as she could get with this problem before summer started and she was left in Hogwarts alone.
Without Buckbeak, Bel would spend a lot of time on the ground with her thoughts.
And as much as she loved Gus (the owl) and talking to a pretend Gus (the boy) she doubted they would be of much help.
One being a bird and one being made of thin air.
"Oi! You there!" Cedric called out down the hallways.
A small first year Gryffindor, still dressed in their uniform despite it being the last day of term, came to an abrupt stop.
When they turned to face the sight of six Hufflepuffs all lifting up Bel approaching them, their expression was rather funny.
They looked terrified.
"Do you know Harry Potter?" Cedric asked as the group of Hufflepuffs came to a stop just outside the Gryffindor common room.
"What kind of question is that?" Patrick scoffed as the two older boys carefully put Bel's legs down onto the ground.
Riley and Tia tightened their grip on her arms to keep her from running.
"Y – Yes", the first year Gryffindor stuttered out.
"Could you do us a huge favour and go and get him for us? Tell him Bel Whitlock needs to talk with him. It's an emergency", Cedric asked them.
The first year nodded quickly and bolted into their common room.
"Easy peasy", Cedric smirked as he brushed his hands together.
"I'm so going to make you all pay for this", Bel muttered.
"And exactly how are you planning on doing that? It's summer now, May. And I know you don't hold grudges against your friends for very long", Ollie joked from behind her right shoulder.
"I'll find a way", Bel replied.
Ollie rolled his eyes with a smile and went to place his arm around Riley's waist who was still gripping onto Bel's right arm.
Before another word could be said, Harry appeared at the Gryffindor common room entrance, very out of breath and looking rather panicked.
He went to speak, but instantly closed his mouth when he saw just what was in front of him.
"Delivery", Cedric said with a smile, turning to grab Bel's arm and dragging her forward.
"What's going on? I was told there was an emergency?" Harry asked, very confused.
"You were lied to", Bel replied, glaring around her at the innocently smiling group of Hufflepuffs.
"Okay ... is everything all right?" Harry then asked.
"Fine. All just fine. Sorry to disturb you", Bel rushed out her words, turning to walk away but was stopped as each of the Hufflepuffs grabbed hold of her and forced her to turn back around.
"Bel needs to talk to you", said Patrick.
"No, I don't", Bel tried to argue.
"Yes, she does", Riley said.
"Go on, May. In you pop", Tia added, pushing her forward.
Bel stumbled slightly but managed to get her footing, stopping just before she tumbled into Harry.
"They're being overdramatic. Ignore them", Bel apologised to him before turning around to address the Hufflepuffs.
"Do I have to hex you all at the same time?"
"Do we have to go and fetch the Weasley's to take over and carry you in?" Cedric asked in turn.
Bel shut her mouth at that point.
It would be in her best interest not to give Fred and George the luxury of carrying her around like a doll.
They'd never let it go.
"That's what I thought. You two have fun!" Cedric then said when Bel didn't reply and the Hufflepuffs all smiled at her sweetly, bidding her goodbye and good luck, before walking off.
Bel took in a deep breath and turned to face Harry.
"I'm not even going to ask what that was all about. But there must be something important going on for Tia to literally carry you here. So ... follow me and we can talk about it", he said, walking back into his common room.
Bel knew there was no avoiding it now, and so she followed after him.
As they walked through the common room, Bel couldn't help but rub her arms up and down.
It was freezing in there.
And she had been ambushed so quickly that she didn't have time to grab a jumper or her wand.
All she could hope was that Harry's dorm room was warmer.
But when she arrived, it most certainly wasn't.
However, it was very clean.
And empty.
"Where is everyone? And why is everything so tidy?" Bel asked, stepping into the boy's dorm room.
"Neville is down at the greenhouses finishing up a project he was doing for extra credit in Herbology. Seamus is at the infirmary after he failed using a spell to pack his bags and almost blew his arm off. Ron is with Fred and George making fun of Percy and his Ravenclaw girlfriend. And it's so tidy because Neville is gifted in cleaning charms", Harry explained, taking a seat on his bed.
"Right", Bel chuckled, standing awkwardly in the centre of the room, trying not to shiver from how cold it was.
"You okay?" Harry then asked.
"Yeah ... I'm just -- Why is it so cold in here?" Bel asked, thinking it would be weird for her to hide the fact she was freezing.
"They killed the fireplaces and heating charms because term has ended now", Harry explained.
Bel nodded, glancing over to the dead fireplace in the centre of the room beside her.
Suddenly, Harry got up from his bed and walked over to one of his trunks.
After opening it and sorting through some of his folded clothes, he pulled out a large black hoodie.
"Here", he said, holding it out in her direction.
With a grateful smile, Bel took it from him, putting it on and trying to stop herself from getting distracted by the overwhelming scent that could be attributed to Harry Potter.
Burnt cedar wood, the air after it rains, the herbal shampoo he uses.
It was rather big for her, and so she bunched up the sleeves on her arms before crossing them to warm up.
"You can sit down if you want", Harry offered, gesturing to his bed as he sat back down.
Bel didn't hesitate to join him, the two sitting in the exact same place as they had been the last time Bel was in his room.
The day he had bandaged up her hand and they had shared most of the secrets kept from the other.
Rather ironic how history was repeating itself.
"So ... what's going on?" Harry then asked her.
Bel kept her legs swung over the side of the bed, her black boots firmly on the floor as she took in a deep breath.
"I miss her", she whispered.
"Your mother?"
Bel nodded.
She had already told Harry, Ron, and Hermione everything that Lupin told her without the filter that she used with the Hufflepuffs.
The fact that she was an amalgam of two of the Hogwarts Four.
That her and Harry had known each other, and their mother's had been close friends.
What she left out at the time was how much grief she was in.
"I can't stop thinking about what my life would be like if she were here. Not getting answers from other people because I would have spoken to her myself. Having her there for me to help with everything my dad passed down. All the danger and the struggle", Bel continued as Harry moved to sit cross legged, listening to her carefully.
"I didn't know anything about her, so I didn't know what I was missing. But now I do ... and I'm angry it was taken from me. And from her. Remus said she was so happy to have a daughter. She was taken away from her family too. It's silly, I know that. It's been twelve years and only now I feel sad about it all."
Bel had been looking down at the ground, putting all her effort into stopping more tears falling.
Her hands were placed in her lap, fiddling with the ends of the hoodie's sleeves.
But they were joined by another hand as Harry reached over to hold her hands in his.
"It's not silly, Bel", he said softly.
The Hufflepuff girl sniffled as she turned her neck to the left, meeting his sympathetic eyes.
They weren't the same as the ones her other friends would look at her with.
They had understanding behind them too.
He uncrossed his legs and shuffled along the bed until their arms were pushed up against each other, his hand still over hers.
"But ... the ones that love us never really leave us. And you can always find them ..."
His hand held hers and he slowly raised it until her palm was over her heart.
"In here."
Her tears fell slowly down her cheeks.
His words hit her differently.
The very fact that the blood within her and the traits she inherited from her mother that are written in her genes save her each day and help her in ways others could never do meant that she knew Harry was right.
She could find her mother in her heart.
Because Bel knew from her letter that she loved her.
She knew from her godfather and her mentor that she was proud of her.
And so Bel didn't need her mother there to feel those things.
Besides, with her mother gone, Bel wasn't alone without love.
Harry lifted his free hand and slowly bought it up to her cheek, wiping away her tears.
After they had vanished, his hand stayed up, his fingers coming to rest just under her jaw.
His hand over hers on her chest moved to entwine their fingers.
He was so gentle with his movements, his thumb caressing her cheek just as it had briefly done back in the past before they left to save Buckbeak.
Bel found her emotions shifting without control.
She now felt just as she had done back then.
Wondering what sort of magic might be at play.
What sort of cure might be put in place to stop it.
She realised that she wasn't cold anymore.
Harry met her eyes and she felt herself blocked from his thoughts.
The usual way they could communicate by looking into the others eyes seemingly vanishing.
There was so much confliction and confusion.
So much resistance yet desire.
Opposing forces laid behind his eyes, and hers.
And his eyes were the first to move.
They flicked downwards to land on her slightly parted lips.
But, unlike last time, there was no clearing of this throat.
No fast removal of his hand in hers or his hand on the side of her face.
No awkward shuffle across the bed away from her.
Instead, his head made the smallest of movements forwards and down as to reach her level.
Bel didn't know what to think.
Which was lucky as she wasn't able to focus on the clutter in her mind.
Only on one thing.
How she felt under his touch, how warm she was in his jumper, how close together they were sat, how his own lips strangely seemed appealing.
As if they were the anti-hex she was wondering about.
Bel was no stranger to trying spells to find out which ones worked, and which ones would require more practice.
She saw no reason to not try this time.
To lean forward herself and allow the conflictions in her mind to come to a conclusion.
But unfortunately, she would not get the chance.
A knock came from outside the door.
"Harry? Are you in there?"
It was Hermione's voice.
Neither Bel nor Harry had moved so fast in their lives.
Harry jumped up off the bed, removing his hands from Bel.
Bel herself also stood, putting her hands behind her back as she tried to ignore the intense beating of her heart in her chest.
"Yeah, I'm here. So is Bel", Harry replied after he took a moment to clear his throat and swallow harshly.
"Really?" she heard Hermione ask in surprise as Bel moved to the centre of the room away from Harry's bed.
The door to the room opened and the Gryffindor girl stopped at the entrance.
"Oh ... what are you doing here? And why are you wearing Harry's jumper?" Hermione asked.
"I was bought here against my will. And I didn't have time to grab a jumper ... it's freezing in here, so Harry let me have one to borrow for now", Bel replied quickly.
"It is rather cold, isn't it? But both of your cheeks are bright red. Perhaps you don't need a jumper", Hermione pointed out.
Bel and Harry both tried to keep their expressions blank as they briefly looked in each other's direction, only to quickly glance away.
"You're right", Bel ended up saying, taking off Harry's jumper.
"Ron needs you, Harry. Percy wasn't happy that he was making fun of him, and he's asked for your backup in case a fight breaks out", Hermione explained with a roll of her eyes.
"Got it. I'll be down in a second", Harry managed to reply with a slight break in his voice.
Hermione nodded and gave the two a final smile, clearly not knowing any the wiser, and left, closing the door behind her.
Both Harry and Bel simultaneously sighed in relief before standing in silence.
Certainly not a comfortable one.
Words most definitely going unspoken.
"I should ... I should probably get going", Bel eventually said without even looking at Harry.
"Yeah. Of course, of course. I should make sure Ron doesn't do anything stupid", Harry quickly replied.
Bel chuckled and went to walk past him but stopped to hand him back his jumper.
"Here you go."
Harry looked at the jumper and then met her eyes again.
There was something new in Bel that hadn't been there before when she looked at him now.
That feeling she felt only when he would touch the side of her face gently appeared just by looking in his eyes.
"That's okay. It'll still be cold on the walk back. You keep it", said Harry.
"Are you sure?"
"Positive. You can give it back when I see you next year."
Bel couldn't stop the butterflies in her stomach anymore.
It was starting to overwhelm her.
And her cluttered brain was starting to catch her attention.
So, she nodded and left quickly without another word.
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That afternoon was filled with goodbyes as everyone left for the summer.
Harry and Bel had both silently agreed to not bring up whatever had happened in the dorm room.
To anyone.
Because ... nothing did happen.
It was all so confusing.
Things Bel hadn't experienced so couldn't understand.
She didn't feel that way with anyone else.
She hadn't felt that way with anyone else.
And it was a feeling that made itself so known, so aggressively and unwaveringly.
Bel had decided to rely on time.
It hadn't let her down.
And as with the majority of times she had been confused before (which was a lot) she had always allowed time to sort things into clarity.
With summer now upon them, and Harry being away from her for months, Bel knew she had plenty of time alone to figure it out.
Then she could approach next year with a fresh mind.
Hermione hadn't mentioned anything either.
Whether she was oblivious or not, Bel didn't know.
But she was grateful she didn't explain the situation to someone who wouldn't be.
Like her Hufflepuff friends who were weirdly complaining about Harry less now.
Despite the confusing situation towards the end of their conversation, his words had helped her.
Bel could tell immediately that she was no longer focusing on her grief as much, remembering that her mother was with her in some capacity.
And it would be helpful as the summer she was looking forward to arrived.
This time, there was no trip to Malfoy Manor and so she would be as far away from Draco as possible.
Her new motivation due to the answers and conclusion she now had would allow her training to go much smoother.
Finally she could try advanced levels of magic in practice.
Gus was happy Buckbeak was gone as Bel could focus on spending time with him more.
Fred and George were happy the map was returned to their possession after Remus gave it back to Harry.
They had reinstated the offer for Bel to come with the Weasley's to the quidditch world cup, but Bel had to decline again.
It was upsetting, but she had so much to be happy about that it didn't sadden her.
The year was over.
Danger was gone.
Voldemort hadn't made an appearance at all.
Secrets were discovered.
Dementors were no longer around.
Innocent lives were spared.
Bad situations were accepted and turned into good ones.
All Bel had left to sort out over summer was to put a name to that feeling which plagued her every moment spent in Harry Potter's company.
It was a word she wouldn't come to learn for some time.
A word that would help her in so many ways and put her in more danger than ever before.
A word that posed such a threat yet also such a cure.
A word that would scare the living daylight out of her.
Love.
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OKAY WE'RE GONNA END IT HERE I THINK AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Idek what I was thinking with this chapter but oh well here it is
WOW what a train wreck of a year I was so confused and I bet u are too
I am excited to get writing the next year tho SO MUCH IS GONNA HAPPEN
I'm so excited
But it won't be in this book it shall be in the next one ;)
SKILL AND SECLUSION
Go check it out when it's up y'all