"Are you having an affair with my sister!?" My mouth drops open as Yelena looks at me with a slight fury in her eyes, they dart between me and behind me where I can only assume she can see Natasha sitting at the table.
"Uh, wha..." Yelena scoffs, running her hand through her hair as she taps her foot on the wooden decking.
"Are you having an affair with my sister? It isn't a hard question to answer. It's a yes or no answer. So are you having an aff....."
"No. No, I am not having an affair with your sister. Fuck. Fuck Yelena, no!" I say frustrated and Yelena's eyes scan me up and down as she slowly nods.
"Natasha!" Yelena leans through the doorway to shout but doesn't make a move to enter.
"Yelena?" I hear the muffled voice of Nat behind me ask, and turn to look to see her covering her mouth as she leans from her chair to look at the front door, looking surprised to see her sister at my door.
"Yes, it's me, hello I have come to see if you are having an affair with Wanda's girlfriend." Yelena states, causing Natasha to choke on the bite of food she is eating and stumbling up from her chair.
"Wha..." She clears her throat, wiping her mouth with a napkin as she makes her way to the door. "Me and Y/n having an affair? Are you joking? Very funny, now what are you really doing here?"
"Nat I don't think she is." I look at how Nat is smiling like she is in on the joke but when she looks back to her sister's face it drops as she scrunches her brows.
"You seriously think that me and Y/n." She points between the two of us like she can't quite believe her ears, I mean neither can I but she looks like she has been caught doing something wrong with how wide her eyes are. "Ew no Yelena, we would never."
"Ew?" I scoff raising a brow and Natasha rolls her eyes at me.
"Not ew at you ew at the thought we would do something like that. I mean you're hot and funny and definitely my type." Nat rambles and both me and Yelena are now looking at her with raised brows and slightly dropped jaws and Nat seems to realise what she just said. "I have a pair of eyes, I'm not blind and I have self control you know. Even if I did like Y/n, which for your information I don't, I wouldn't dare cross that line because of their relationship. You really think that bad of me?"
"No but I had to make sure. But that's really not why I am here." Yelena looks at me. "I am here to take you home."
"No." I shake my head and Yelena gives me an 'are you serious look' before huffing.
"Yes."
"I don't want to."
"You sound like a whiny child." I huff, crossing my arms and rolling my eyes ignoring the way the two sisters smile at my posture.
"While you two figure this out I am going to go back to my food." Nat simply says before walking away.
"Y/n you disappeared people are worried I just think they should at least see your face." Yelena tries to bargain.
"You've seen me so you can go back and tell them I am fine."
"Are you though?" Yelena's voice is suddenly soft and it throws me a little and I think she can tell by the way I am trying to analyse if she actually cares. "I mean, I know you're not okay, like, at all but will you be okay enough to come home?"
"I..." I sigh, running my hand on my face. "I don't know Yelena, maybe."
"That's good enough for me, so when I leave tonight or tomorrow you will be in the car with me. Now I heard my sister mention food so if you'll excuse me." She leaves no room for argument as her whole act changes as she smiles widely and she seems to bounce on her feet at the thought of food as she pushes past me and into the house.
"Hey!" I complain as I close the door behind me following where Yelena went and batting her hand away from my food. "Firstly, that is my food so get your hands off. Secondly, you aren't taking me anywhere so sorry for the wasted journey but you can go there's the door."
"That's rude." Yelena grabs a piece of toast from her sister's plate this time, Natasha not fighting as she stays quiet watching the interaction.
"No, what's rude is you walking into my house without being invited in and then trying to tell me what to do." I place my hands on Yelena's shoulder, turning her to face the door. "Like I said there's the door. I honestly don't know why Wanda thought sending you here would do any good but you can tell her that I'll come back when I am ready to face everything."
"One, Wanda didn't send me. Actually she has no idea that I am here. Two I know where the door is. I literally walked through it a second ago and I am not walking back out until we get a few things sorted. Three, well I didn't really have a three but now that I've had food I realise I am very hungry. So three do you have any mac and cheese?"
"Are you serious?" I raise my brows looking at Nat who stays quiet shrugging and I look back to Yelena who looks at Nat then me.
"Wait, are you asking me or her?" Yelena points her finger between her and Natasha and I roll my eyes moving past Yelena to the kitchen. "Hey where are you going?"
"You said you wanted mac and cheese, no?" Yelena nods like an excited child, following me into the kitchen. "Why did you think I was having an affair with your sister?"
"Well she disappeared and I kind of saw a message from you with an address that said you can meet me here, and I made an assumption. But also at the same time I didn't want that to be true so I also assumed that you were confiding in Nat or just telling her where you were in case anything happened. But she went off the radar for a day or two and I then went back to thinking maybe, just maybe you and her where ... you know." Yelena makes a gesture with her hands in front of my face and I bat her hand away as I shake my head.
"Okay so now you know that's not what is happening, you can go back to Wanda tell her the good news once you have had your mac and cheese." I state as I fill a pot with water.
"Wanda doesn't know I am here, she doesn't know Nat is here actually." At that I turn to look at Nat but she isn't anywhere to be seen and I scoff before turning back to put the pot on the stove.
"So why are you here Yelena?" I asked already over this and craving the idea of just getting back into bed and hiding from the world for one more day.
"I want to sort things between us. Like adults. I want us to talk, really talk. And, and I don't talk. I struggle to talk. I much prefer staying quiet and letting things build or just brush it under the rug. But someone told me recently that I can't expect for things to just dissolve into nothing or people be able to move past things without conversation or at least acknowledgement of what has happened."
"Sounds like a smart person." I don't turn to look at Yelena, wanting to hear if she has more to say as I pour the mac and cheese packet into the boiling water.
"She is, but that is besides the point. We have both made mistakes, me for the most part and I never completely owned up to them or apologised for them or understood the consequences of them. I just want to talk Y/n, and also listen, if you'll let me." I turn around happy that the mac and cheese is cooking away to see Yelena looking down at her hands as she fiddles with the ring on her finger.
"I am sure we can do that. It's a nice day. How about we take a walk to the top of the hill and talk there."
"Okay. We can do that, but after mac and cheese?"
"Yes you eat, I need to go shower and stuff anyway." I pass Yelena the spoon to stir the mac and cheese and start to make my way out of the kitchen towards the stairs.
"Y/n." Yelena's voice is soft and it's weird to hear that sort of tone from her, and when I turn to look at her she seems upset.
"Yeah." She swallows before looking up at me.
"Thank you." I tilt my head in question and Yelena smiles for all but a millisecond as she rubs a finger between her brows. "For giving me time to talk. And the food of course."
"Of course Yelena. Now eat, I'll be upstairs if you need anything, and I am sure your sister is also around ... somewhere."
"Okay."
~~~~~
"So are you and my sister are going to actually talk things out?" I jump at the voice behind me.
"Holy fuck Nat what? I'm in the shower!" I turn my back to her hoping that the steam on the glass is enough to hide most of my body.
"Sorry, not sorry. So is that a yes?" I look over my shoulder at Nat brows tugging together at her question.
"Is what a yes? Do I want to have a shower alone, without interruption? Then yes. Do I want to not be afraid of my Russian friend sneaking up on me and giving me a heart attack? Also yes. Do to wallow in self pity as the water feels like bullets to my skin. Sure, gives me time to think."
"You think you're funny, huh?" I flash Nat a quick smile as she rolls her eyes at me.
"Some say I should have been a comedian."
"Yeah well whoever those people are were lying to you."
"Fucking rude." I look back to grab the body wash but don't miss the opportunity to flip Nat the bird over my shoulder.
"You still haven't answered my question."
"You still haven't given me my privacy."
"Answer my question first." I huff with a chuckle looking back over my shoulder to Nat who is tapping her foot waiting for me.
"What was your question?" I watch as Nat moves to sit up on the counter next to the sink kicking her legs out in the air.
"So you and my sister are going to actually talk. Which is good. But are you actually going to listen?"
"That wasn't your original question, you literally answered that by asking this. You got to stop eavesdropping."
"You and my sister have to stop talking so loud."
"Or you could just admit you're a Russian spy and have been trained to not be seen or heard but be able to listen and observe."
"What is it with you and this Russian spy gag?" We both chuckle at that.
"So do you want me to answer that question too or..."
"No, just answer my question about you actually listening."
"I do listen." I say offendedly: I do listen.
"No you don't."
"Natasha I just wanted to shower alone and you've come in here disturbing my peace to ask me if I will listen in a two person conversation."
"No, no I came in here to make sure you heard my sister out." I go to say something but Nat is quicker. "Without interruption. I know she can be stubborn and ruthless with her words but sometimes she gets lost in her emotions and doesn't realise what she has said or done until after the fact."
"You remember she called me a puppy right?" I huff turning to look at her through the glass. "How she called me weak and that I fake the PTSD, and all I could do was listen to her."
"Y/n I love you I do, but you can be just as stubborn as her. You have both gone through some shit in life and you have both learned to deal with it in different ways and came out of it with different things. I get that she did things that triggered you but you also have to use your methods so you can explain to someone who is unaware of your situation why your reactions occur."
"So you came in here to lecture me about how to have a conversation with someone."
"A conversation with the person who has previously triggered you and caused panic attacks. But a person who could be so good to have in your life if the two of you really listen to one another. I know Yelena is fully prepared to listen to anything you have to say but are you prepared to do the same even when what she is saying you might not agree with."
"Uhm, yeah. I can do that." I release a long breath looking down at my hands then back to Nat. "I can do that."
"Good, now finish your shower and get your shit sorted with my sister. I don't want to have to pick sides." Nat pushes herself off the counter and makes her way to the door, stopping in the doorframe and turning to look at me one last time. "Nice tits by the way."
"Get the fuck outta here." I open the shower door and chuck the loofa towards her, but she manages to dodge it by hiding behind the door.
"Bitch."
"Whore."
"Love ya."
"Yeah, yeah. Love ya too."
~~~~~
"You ready?" I ask quietly as to not make Yelena jump as she finishes washing her dishes in the sink.
"Yeah, yeah. Just let me dry up and we can go." Yelena looks over her shoulder at me and we both share small smiles with the other before she turns back to the dishes.
"You can leave that for your sister to finish, she eavesdropped on our conversation and then decided to barge into the bathroom while I was showering. Call it her punishment."
"You really think Natasha is going to dry and put away the dishes." Yelena chuckles.
"No." I shrug and chuckle too. "But one can pretend it is going to happen."
"I guess that is true." Yelena hangs the towel over the oven door handle and makes her way out of the kitchen to the stairs. "Sestra finish the dishes for us, will you?"
"Sure, sure. Whatever. You two go sort your shit out. I'll be fine here." I hear the shower turn on and I look at Yelena who just shrugs.
"Maybe she is jealous I am taking up so much Y/n time. I mean she did kinda insinuate she would date you."
"She kinda did, but we shall move past that and pretend we never heard a thing. It's not nice to tease people about their crushes."
"Eh, this person is my sister there is always time for teasing." I shake my head giggling gently guiding Yelena by her shoulders to the door.
"Oh look, here is the door, you were right earlier." I roll my eyes letting go of her shoulders to put my shoes on.
"I'm sorry about that."
"Ah, don't apologise." Yelena waves me off. " I turned up unannounced, you had every right to kick me out."
"But you were too stubborn to leave."
"I am not." I look at Yelena as I do up my laces raising my brow. "Okay maybe a little, but I think that's the Russian in me. We are all just as stubborn as each other."
"Nat's not that stubborn."
"But she has been Americanised. She has lived here too long. The Russian has left the chat for Nat. Ha that rhymed!"
"Right anyway, get your shoes on and let's go." I stand back up putting my coat on as Yelena starts to get her shoes on.
"So how far is the walk to the hill thingy?"
"Hmm, not far. Like a mile."
"A mile uphill?"
"It's a small hill, it just has a great opening at the top with a bench, so don't worry, it won't take us long to walk. We will be able to see the sunset."
"I'm not worried about the sunset, I am worried my legs will be jelly by the time I reach the top." I chuckle opening the door as Yelena puts her coat on.
"Well when your legs are jelly that's how you know you've had a good time." I smirk as Yelena gags, pushing her way out of the house.
"Firstly, gross and secondly how would I know? Suka I am a 22 year old virgin, you think I know what it's like to do the thing that leads to the jelly legs." Yelena shivers at the thought and I can't help but chuckle.
"Sorry, I did kind of forget but I mean surely you know things. I mean you may not have done stuff but that doesn't mean you don't know shit." Yelena doesn't say anything as I close the door and follow her down the steps onto the grass.
"Okay, changing the subject." Yelena stuffs her hands in her pockets as she starts to walk besides me as I lead the way.
"Hey I am just saying, I mean no harm by it Yelena. I think it is amazing that you haven't let anyone change that about you, that you know what you do and don't want and won't let anyone force that change onto you."
"Yeah but I also feel like I am on the outside of a joke, or something. Like everyone knows the punchline but me and even though I know the punchline I don't KNOW the punchline." Yelena frowns a little before looking up at me. "But I didn't come here to talk about my non-existent sex life, and if you don't mind just for the walk up I would kinda like to just think and not talk. I need to prepare a bit more in what I want to say and how I want to say it so I don't piss you off or trigger you or something."
"We can do that. And Yelena I am here to listen. I know you didn't purposefully trigger me those few times, truly. But we can talk more when we get settled at the top."
"Okay."
We let the silence fall over us for a few minutes, Yelena simply following where I am walking. We get to the bottom of the hill and it really isn't that steep it's more of just a slow but long incline. Maybe 20 minutes into the incline I hear Yelena force a groan, and I chuckle as I look down to her in question.
"Are we nearly there yet?"
~~~~~
"That was more than a mile." Yelena huffs as she sits down, her back facing the table of the bench, looking out to the view of the farmland and forest around us.
"A mile, 3 miles, what's the difference?" I shrug as I rest my hands on my hips looking out to the horizon, squinting my eyes slightly as the sun blinds me.
"About 45 extra minutes, that's the difference. Also, me being able to walk back alive or die trying." Yelena huffs resting her elbows on the bench table as she leans her back against it, looking up to the sky as she tries to catch her breath.
"Eh, walking is good for you." I wave my hand dismissively towards Yelena as I close my eyes, basking in the sun for a moment.
"Why, why are you standing like that? You know, all superhero like?" I raise my rows to myself not bothering to open my eyes as I release a long breath.
"Have you ever watched Grey's anatomy?"
"Ah, that is that America doctor show yes?"
I slowly open up my eyes looking over my shoulder for just a moment, giving Yelena a small nod before turning back and letting my eyes once again settle on the horizon. I smile at the sight in front of me. The orange, red and yellow hues melt together as they stretch across the dark green of the forest and the changing shades of the different terrain. The sky in a soft blanket of clouds moving slowly showing slight hints of blue hiding behind them.
I smile to myself when I feel Yelena's presence next to me but I don't look down at her, still too lost in the show the sun is putting on.
The colours from the sun are seeping into the clouds making it look like the sky is on fire with the dark oranges and reds that seem to be dancing above as the clouds move. I squint my eyes as the sun starts to move behind the horizon, moving my hand to just above my eyes to create a shade so I can at least open my eyes a bit more and appreciate the view.
The silence between me and Yelena is nice, allowing my ears to pick up on the sounds of the birds singing to one another the trees rustling in the wind, twigs snapping in the distance: probably from a deer freely roaming the forest looking for a place to sleep for the night. The creaking of the big old oaks that hid within the dark, unexplored parts of the forests, home to many creatures that are joining the chorus of noise around us. It's not unbearable, in fact it is peaceful. It kind of feels like I am in a dream, this world away from our world that never seems to be disturbed and has been able to flourish without us.
"I'm sorry." Yelena's voice brings me out of my thoughts as the last of the sun dips behind the horizon, a cold shiver going through me as the warmth of the sun is no longer directly on me.
"Me too." I look down to Yelena before walking to the bench and ushering her over, and without question she sits on the opposite side.
"What are you apologising for?" Yelena questions as she pulls one of her feet up onto the seat of the bench, the other still on the ground, as she rests her chin on her knee looking at me. "I am the one who hurt you, I - um - triggered you."
"I could have handled it better, and I could have talked to you better. Or try to help you understand instead of just expecting you to get it the first time I tell you."
"Maybe but I was more at fault in this situation and I caused you so much pain. Sure being hit by Wanda hurt but I am the one who did the most damage out of everyone."
"You really didn't." I try to say more but Yelena shakes her head bringing her other leg up onto the seat and shakes her head looking out to the darkening horizon before looking back at me and it's now that I notice that she has tears building in her eyes.
"But I did. You had a huge panic attack, you - you - you had a PTSD episode. I did that. I triggered, I triggered, I triggered you. And I don't know how I can even start to apologise for that, or let alone try to fix it."
"Yelena, not all of it was your fault." I try to get her attention but she wipes her eyes with her sleeve as she continues to ramble.
"You, you tried being friendly and tried to make sure that even though I cause hurt to you that I am included because of my sister and Wanda. You didn't want to take away that for me even when I did what I did. And then I just had to go and ruin it again in front of so many more people and now look where you are."
"Yes but look where you are." That gets her attention as she sucks in a harsh breath, her bottom lip trembling dangerously as she looks away for a second trying to compose herself I assume.
"Yelena, me coming here had nothing to do with what you had done."
"How can you say that when you left literally after I said what I said at thanksgiving, it caused such a huge problem for you and your family and I did that because I just couldn't keep my mouth shut for one damn second." She stands up from the bench pacing back and forth.
"Yelena." I try to grab her attention slowly, standing up myself but not moving towards her, not wanting to cause alarm as she gets lost in her own head.
"Wanda was right, I am a disgusting person. Vile person." Yelena rubs her face harshly as the tears continue to fall and I feel my heart crack as she describes herself that way, but I also feel anger at the fact Wanda was the person to tell her those things.
"Yelena." I still get no answer so I slowly start to make my way over to her as she continues to pace back and forth.
"Maybe I should just go back to Russia because I can do no harm there, just work on the farm. I can't hurt anyone out there."
"Yelena." I say softly as I get closer to her as she runs her hands through her hair, stopping for a second as she looks to the sky willing the tears as she taps her foot aggressively on the floor.
"I have hurt so many people in such a short time. I should have stopped to listen to you Y/n, I should have spent time trying to understand." She says, but I feel like she hasn't even noticed how close I am as she is more mumbling to herself then anything, as she starts pacing again.
"Yelena please stop pacing." I try my best to get her attention but when she continues to ramble to herself about the same things over again I make a decision to step in.
As she swivels on her heels to start pacing again instead of moving forward she bumps straight into me, letting me know she is definitely lost in her own head, and I take the opportunity to wrap my arms around her to stop her from moving anywhere else. Her arms get trapped between our chest as she tries to wiggle out, trying to pull herself away from me but I just keep my arms wrapped around her shoulders. I don't look down at Yelena choosing to look to the horizon which is starting to turn a nice dark blue with flecks of lights starting to show.
"Yelena stop, you need to stop and breathe." I say softly, trying not to startle her out of whatever hole her mind has dug itself in.
"Y/n, what are you doing? Let go, I could hurt you." Yelena protests as she tries to get out of my hold once more.
"No you won't." I deny it but Yelena shakes her head as I feel her trying to move between us to escape.
"I already have, and I don't know why so please let go because I don't want it to happen again."
"You won't hurt me."
"You don't know that." She fights back jerking harder than before but I just continue to hold her as I slowly feel her start to give up fighting and lean into my touch more, even if she doesn't realise she is actually doing it.
"All of this is my fault, you shouldn't be consoling me. You should be angry, you should be cussing me out, telling me how much you hate me just like everyone else has. Please let go"
"No. I am not everyone else, Yelena. Please just let yourself breathe for a moment."
"It's all my fault, I don't want to hurt you. Please Y/n." Her voice starts to fail her as it becomes shaky but she continues to try and get out of my hold only with less effort than before.
"Yelena..."
"No it's true, it is all my fault. All I do is hurt you and everyone around you and I caused you to be triggered and all of that. Your girlfriend and my sister hate me, you should too."
"Yelena stop, stop. Okay, just stop. Stop fighting." I continue to keep my voice calm, knowing exactly how she feels right now so knowing that letting her continue to pace is not going to do any of us any favours.
"I'm sorry." Yelena cracks and I feel her shoulders' start to shake, her head pressing into my chest more. "I'm so sorry."
"I know." My voice cracks with emotion as I move one hand to rest on the back of Yelena's head, the other rubbing soothing circles on her back.
I feel her hands grip onto my coat slightly so I give her a bit of room to move them and they wrap as much as she can around my body, gripping tightly onto the back of my coat as her shoulders start to shake more. I lean my head down to press a gentle kiss to the top of her head, and she pulls herself closer to me as a sob pushes itself out of her. I don't say anything just letting her let it all out as I feel her body practically collapsing into mine as she tries to keep herself standing as she has a breakdown.
"It's okay Yelena." I whisper.
"Why are you doing this?" I only just catch her asking as her voice is muffled by my coat.
"Why am I doing what?"
"Hugging me?" My brows pull together slightly. "Why are you comforting me? You should be so angry at me that you can't stand to look at me. You- you should h-h-hate me. I hate me. Why?"
"This is who I am, Yelena. This is what I know how to do best, and right now you need some comfort. You need someone to hold you and tell you it's all going to be okay and that things will work out the way they are meant to work or not meant to work out. You needed comfort and I am more than okay giving it to you. I could never hate you Yelena and just because you hurt me a little bit doesn't mean I don't want this friendship to end up as that. A friendship. I'm not going to deny you comfort in a moment when you need it most because of something that happened in the past and isn't happening in the now."
"I'm sorry, please know that I am so so sorry. Like really fucking sorry. And I know saying sorry isn't enough and it's not going to magically fix everything but I need you to know that I am." She tilts her head to look up at me, her red tear stained cheeks making me frown slightly and I bring my hand up to her cheek to gently wipe away the tears with the pad of my thumb. "I'm sorry."
"I know you are Yel." I see the corner's of her mouth quirk up at the nickname before she swallows whatever lump has built in her throat.
"You should hate me." She scoffs to herself.
Yelena goes to pull out of the embrace and this time I let her, but my hands move to catch her cheeks so she can't walk away and is looking at me. Her hands instantly move to my wrists to try and pull them off but she doesn't attempt to pull my hands away instead they just tightly, but not painfully, hold onto my arms.
"Yelena it's okay." I say in the softest voice possible and her eyes flick up to meet mine, hers brimming with tears, smiling softly as her teeth pull at the corner of her lip. "I don't hate you. You made mistakes, yes you hurt me ... "
"I..." I shake my head as Yelena tries to interrupt me.
"No you know when you said you would listen, well this is one of those times so shush and just let me finish."
She goes to say something but when one of my brows tick upwards she shuts her mouth, giving me a small nod to continue and pressing her lips together as she lets out a slow breath through her nose. She squeezes her eyes shut momentarily, new tears sliding down her cheeks, and I once again wipe them away with the pads of my thumb. When she doesn't move or try to say anything I know now is my chance to get her to listen.
"Yes you hurt me, but you are here trying to make amends. Your level of hurt is nowhere near the level of hurt I have been through in my life. Your hurt is like a small scratch amongst the scars. And you are here trying to put a band aid over it to make sure that it heals. That's more than most have done before me. I don't hate you, I could never hate you. I just needed time to cool off after our fight, hence why I invited you to thanksgiving. Because I wanted to talk, at least try to. Not to force a conversation like this but just to say let's make a deal, you don't mention my past and I won't try to force my story onto you which I was kind of doing. We were both in the wrong Yelena, we both caused hurt to each other. The hurt just came about in different ways."
"Can I talk now?" Yelena mumbles after a minute of silence and letting what I said sink in.
"Of course. But can we sit? My legs are kind of tired after that walk." Yelena scoffs, rolling her eyes but she turns around to start walking towards the bench, one of her hands still holding my wrist and pulling me along.
"So your legs can hurt, but not mine after 3 miles?" Yelena nudges my shoulder before taking a seat on the bench table, her feet resting on the seat.
"No, yours can hurt but your body is probably in better shape than mine so I gotta sit down before I do some damage."
"You literally go to the gym almost everyday." Yelena points out as I sit on the bench seat to the left of her, resting my elbows on the table and leaning back against it.
"Sure but I basically have metal bones in my legs and spine and it still causes issues with the nerves."
"I did not know that." Yelena looks down at me as I look up at her.
"Yeah I got into a pretty serious wreck, I was the only survivor but you know sometimes I don't feel like I deserved that. It sometimes feels like God is punishing me rather than having saved me, you know?"
"Survivors' guilt."
"Hmm?"
"It's called survivor's guilt. You know when you feel guilt and ashamed for surviving something traumatic when other people didn't."
"You sound like my therapist." Yelena rolls her eyes as I look back out to the dark horizon that has the glow of the moon lighting it up.
"Ah you Americans and your therapy. Therapy in Russia is called Vodka." I chuckle, shaking my head.
"That makes a lot of sense."
"Hey, we are not all that bad you know. And I mean even with this therapy shit your country is still in for one hell of a shit ride. Like a final destination rollercoaster scene, kind of shit ride."
"Maybe but at least we have nice tasting alcohol to go alongside it."
"This is true." We both chuckle, looking up at the stars and letting a quiet moment fall over us. Only for a moment. "Can I ask a question?"
"You just did." I smile cheekily and Yelena rolls her eyes, flipping me off.
"Ha, ha you are hilarious. But, no, seriously it's probably really personal and I think I know the answer but I don't want to make an assumption and then never actually know because if I am wrong then I definitely need to ask but I don't want to trigger you or make you spiral or anything like that...."
"Yelena breathe." She does so immediately her rambling stops and she grips her hands on the edge of the bench table to try and ground herself. "What is it you want to ask?"
"The accident. Is that what, uh, killed your wife and daughter?" I feel my chest tighten slightly at the question but Yelena's hand on my shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze, allows me a moment to breathe as I look out to the stars.
"Yeah, it was." I scrunch my brows looking at Yelena with a curious gaze. "I thought you knew about my wife and daughter?"
"I do, but I only know that they had - er - died through Nat after she left in a rush one day after Wanda called." Yelena picks at the rotting pain on the bench as her eyes dart up to look in mine. "After the incident at the aquarium."
"Ah."
"Yeah, but like I said I didn't actually know what actually happened to them ."
"Nat didn't tell you. Or Wanda? I mean things seem to slip her mind on what she has or hasn't told people so that doesn't surprise me."
"Right, and no, Nat didn't tell me." I hum with a small nod looking back ahead of me. "I had a feeling that it was how your family had been killed. I remember when she who shall not be named bitch of an ex mentioned scars on your back and how you didn't gym. And I kind of thought maybe you had been in an accident or something and then I thought maybe that was how you lost the people you loved. But I was also so lost in my own anger towards the girl that I don't really think I thought about it and made the connection until recently."
"Thank you." I whisper softly and Yelena leans forward to be within my eyeline.
"I do not understand what you are thanking me for."
"For protecting me that day. I don't think I actually thanked you, not truly. And I should have because you did help, you did protect me."
"But I made everything worse."
"I was having an anxiety attack or something, I am not sure the day is kind of hazy and in that haze I lost my temper at you and told you that you did everything wrong and you did more damage. Which you didn't, because you didn't know I was in that sort of triggered state. I don't like the fact you it her but I appreciate why you did."
"You still don't have to thank me, I still did more bad than good."
"Actually you did pretty good, Yelena. I was just, I was. I was in my head a lot those few days, and my anxiety and PTSD turned to you as an outlet, which should have never had happened. I have worked on trying to control that sort of thing with my therapist for years but I just, I think it manifested into something I haven't ever dealt with before. I don't know, I don't completely think I understand it."
"Talk me through it." Yelena moves to sit next to me, her hand landing on top of mine and pulling it into her lap. "Talk me through why you think it manifested into something else."
"I don't think I know how to, if I don't understand it myself."
"You don't have to understand it, we can work the problem together, just tell me why you have a feeling it manifested into something else."
"So much has happened in the last few months. Getting a new girlfriend, a new set of friends through her. So much opening up about my trauma to her and her being okay with my past, with my issues with me being a burden."
"You are not a burden."
"Well I have definitely been made to feel like one recently. People talking behind my back, thinking they know what is best for me and how I should, they think it is okay to share my trauma with someone else who knows very little or nothing at all."
"We are getting off track. Let's go back to why you think your episodes manifested into something you haven't had to deal with before. Just start there and why you got so mad at me for that day at the coffee shop."
"I was a boiling pot of emotions. After everything that had happened with Wanda at the aquarium, then going to the graveyard and then having Wanda meet my wife and daughter. After the aquarium I left her at my house as I disappeared for the day, kind of 0 contact, because I was in my own head and Wanda had tried creating physical contact. Not to be physical in that way, but she tried initiating hugs and that, but with the way I was feeling my brain just jumped to the conclusion that she wanted to be physical to try and make up for everything." I swallow harshly as my leg starts to bounce.
"I assume that your ex would use that as a way to show how apologetic she was about hurting you or saying things she didn't mean." I nod at Yelena who is putting some pieces together, I can tell, her hand moves to my knee helping to settle the anxious bouncing of my foot.
"When we went to the cabin I told her I forgave her, but I think I said it more for her than myself. I mean I know that I would have forgiven her in the future, I would have worked through it in therapy and I could tell she wanted to make amends and she was willing to wait and I thought that was enough for me to tell her I forgave her in the moment. And it's consuming me knowing deep down that I haven't forgiven her completely but she thinks that I have and that everything has gone back to normal but it really hasn't. Then I let her meet my little girl. And it was beautiful and she was so good and I am glad I let her meet her, but I think that deep down my brain still looks back to what she said to me. I let her meet the girl she forgot about."
"You feel as if you are once again out of control of things and the forgiveness you have given out was once again forced. Even though she didn't make you sleep with her for that forgiveness, something in you fell back into the pattern of simply forgiving because you thought you had to."
"Yeah I guess."
"Your emotions were starting to boil, and you were anxious all the time to make sure that Wanda and the boys were happy and putting your feelings to one side all the time and it slowly over time started to eat away at you. And all it took was Steph and my stubbornness to trigger you and everything that had been brewing boiled over. You lashed out, you finally allowed yourself to let out the anger you have been feeling for years to break through and show itself."
"You should really become a therapist with these insights."
"Oh shut up, I am just saying back to you how I see it."
"Like a therapist."
"Whatever. So tell me why you think you picked me as enemy number one. And you just let all your emotions out on me."
"Because you were so new to my life. I mean so was Natasha. And trust is difficult to give someone anyway but with the PTSD it gets really hard sometimes because it reacts before I can, hence triggers and flinching and the panic attacks. I was already triggered with Steph's appearance and then when I learned you hit her I was thrown into a PTSD episode or something and it was like you were Steph and Steph was me and I was someone on the outside who could stop the whole hurting. I wasn't me even though I was. It was weird and I am not quite sure how to explain it but yeah everything after that I was just in that same haze whenever we started to go from discussion to argument. It was like the moment you pushed back and tried to fight me, something your face would morph to that of Steph's and I was someone else, or maybe a stronger version of myself who was fighting back like I had wished I had done all that time with her."
"So it wasn't you fighting back, it was this version of you your PTSD has created to protect you."
"I guess, yeah, that makes sense."
"So some of it wasn't my fault but some of it was?"
"Yeah."
"I am sorry for hitting Steph. I just thought I was protecting you."
"You were protecting me the only way you sort of know."
"I guess, but I should have tried to listen when you told me what I had done was wrong in your eyes. Though I don't get why you didn't react the same way when Kate or Wanda hit me."
"Well Kate has been in my life for a very long time and I know she will only use violence if she believes it is absolutely necessary. I trust her with my life. And I don't even know what to say about Wanda apart from the fact it is one of the reasons I left last week."
"Wait, it was not me that caused you to leave that day."
"No, no. It was finding that out, with stress from the last few months, and then I found something out about something that had been said between Wanda and Tony and I just couldn't be in the same room or state as them I guess. I just needed to get away to be able to allow my brain the break it needs."
"And how are you feeling now?"
"I am doing better. I am definitely going to need more therapy when I get back and I don't know if I want to see Wanda straight away, I don't know what's going to happen between us and right now I don't think it bothers me too much as I have come to realise I need to look after myself for a little while longer and better than I have been. I can't rely on my happiness from others, I have to put in the work to make sure I am getting better, or at least doing better before I even think about helping others or opening myself back up to others."
"Well that sounds very sensible Y/n. Very smart." I hum smiling to myself at Yelena's soft tone.
"What did you want to say?" I don't look at Yelena not wanting to add any more pressure than she probably already feels. "Apart from sorry, because if I hear that word leave your mouth one more time - well I'm not sure what I'll do just don't do it."
"Sorry for saying sorry." Yelena giggles and I smile at the smile I can practically hear written on her face as she does so. "But I feel like I have said what I needed to say. I thought I would want to say more, maybe defend myself and try to justify some of the shit I did to you but after actually listening that even if I didn't know it at the time or didn't understand my actions made things worse even if I didn't mean them too. So there is no point in me trying to defend them and explain them away like they are this insignificant thing because they are not. Although I would still like to be friends. If you still want that."
"I would really like that."
"Good, good. That's good. I do have one more thing and I don't know how it is going to make you react but it is actually one of the reasons I came here, not that Wanda knows. And I was going to come and say that Wanda needs you, the boys need you. But you need to put yourself first like you said and I can't push you to come back and help if you really don't think you can."
"Yelena what is it?" Yelena swallows as she turns to look at me, drawing my attention to her."
"Pietro is awake."
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Word Count: 8002
Any mistakes blame Netflix for causing distractions