The boys had agreed to move to new dorms. There wasn't much joy in getting new apartments, new furniture, new rooms. They packed up their things, throwing out a lot of junk, and it felt like leaving behind a huge part of their past. Were they ready?
San and Wooyoung invited everyone over to their new place just a few days after the move. They kept the mood up, making the others sing karaoke with them, laughing, being happy and loud. It was a front. Hongjoong saw it. Maybe the others did too, but nobody said anything. They tried to go along with it.
Seonghwa knew he wasn't dealing with it very well. He watched the others at least try to get on with their lives. He didn't know how to do the same. Life was so bland now. Food didn't taste much. Lego was boring. Singing gave him nothing. Exercising felt meaningless. He felt grey. Like it didn't matter what he wore, all colors looked monochromatic to him. He couldn't care less what kind of hairstyle they gave him. Life was bland.
He was mad at Maya, but it was KQ he hated. He hated the entire board, the managers, every single person who went along with this. It was their fault Maya had left. He was mad at her, but he did understand her reasoning. She didn't want to be the reason Ateez failed. He understood, but that wouldn't have happened. KQ would be the reason for that.
«What are you thinking about, hyung?»
Yunho broke into his thoughts.
«Maya,» Seonghwa answered before he could even think about it.
Yunho was surprised by the confession, but he didn't stop.
«Do you think about her a lot?»
«Far too much,» Seonghwa admitted. «Do you?»
«Yeah, every day. But it's getting better. I'm lucky, I have Min.»
«Yeah,» Seonghwa said. He didn't want to be bitter, but it was thanks to Maya's sacrifice that Yunho and Mingi were living together now.
«Do you think she's okay?»
Yunho's worried voice made Hwa look at him.
«She's strong and smart and talented. I'm sure she's okay.»
«But do you think she's sad, like us?»
«I...» Seonghwa felt his anger toward her start to crumble. He knew Maya so well, knew how much love she carried in her heart. «Yeah, she's probably sad too.»
«She didn't leave because she wanted to,» Yunho said, tears evident in his voice.
«No, she left because she loves us.»
«It's fucking heartbreaking to think about.»
«She did it for our futures,» Seonghwa said. He had to say it out loud. «For our careers. For our dreams to become idols.»
«She knew how much we've sacrificed to get here,» Yunho said quietly.
«Yeah.»
Seonghwa didn't voice his immediate thoughts. He would have given it up in a heartbeat if it meant getting her to stay. He felt bad, but it was the truth. No amount of fame or money or ... it would never be worth it. But she would still feel like it was because of her, and that's why there was no way of making it work.
Hongjoong looked at the man across the table from him. They had only met once before, a few weeks earlier. Now he had wanted to meet again.
«Do you have any results?» Joong asked, leaning forward on the table. They had ordered coffee to make it look like any two friends hanging out, but Hongjoong was practically shaking.
«Yes,» the private investigator said. «I found her.»
«Is she okay?»
«Before we start,» the PI said, looking at him with investigating eyes. «You said you didn't want all details. That you wanted to respect her privacy.»
«That's right. I don't want to ruin whatever she's done to move on with her life. But I need to know that she is okay.»
«And what do you mean by «okay» if I may ask?»
«I...» Hongjoong hesitated, he sensed something was off. «I need to know that she is safe, that she is able to care for herself, that no one harms her, that she's healthy... Those kinds of things.»
«Right,» the man nodded and pulled up something on his phone. Joong couldn't see it, but there seemed to be a lot of written information. «Well, she is in Europe, but not her home country, just as you suggested. She is studying, she's going to school at a design program.»
«She's finishing her degree,» Joong mumbled to himself. She had promised she would. «How are her living arrangements?»
«She lives in a shared apartment with several other students. She isn't home much, she stays at the campus from early morning to late in the evening.»
«Why?»
«Several of the students do school work there after classes, they have access to everything they need of supplies and equipment there.»
«Oh, cool. Smart.» She always made the best out of any situation. He would have loved to know what she was working on at the moment. «And her health?»
The PI looked down. «Well, that's going to be hard to answer while keeping her privacy.»
From the start Joong had insisted that he didn't want to know everything. He had no right. He was already overstepping every boundary there was. But he was worried about her. The PI's answer didn't calm him at all.
«I could show you some pictures I've taken if that helps.»
Hongjoong took a deep breath. He shouldn't. He really shouldn't. She had chosen to leave them. She had the right to do so. He shouldn't look at pictures taken of her without her knowledge. But he was a weak man, at least when it came to Maya.
«Yes, let me see.»
«These are just a few innocent ones, but rather close up so that you can see her face properly.»
«Okay, thanks.»
The man put his phone down on the table and slid it over to Joong. He did the swiping for him.
He swept through 10 or 15 images of Maya outside, going to and from school, he said, to the store, in a cafe and in a park. They were all close-ups of her face. Good photos. But Maya didn't look very good. No, that was the wrong word. She looked like herself, but there was something about the lack of life in her eyes. Pictures were taken of her with others, but she didn't smile in any of them.
«Did you do that on purpose?» Hongjoong had to ask.
«Do what?»
«Only pick these somber pictures?»
«They are all like that. She is a very serious person, it would seem.»
«She isn't,» Hongjoong said, staring at one of the photos that was still on the screen.
«I don't know her personally, but she certainly seemed like a very serious and dedicated person to me. No time for goofing around.»
Hongjoong was worried. He wasn't sure how he would have felt seeing a picture of her smiling at someone he didn't know, but this had to be worse, her not smiling at all.
Hongjoong didn't say a word to the others about the PI. They wouldn't be able to let the information sit without doing anything with it. As it was, Joong didn't even know what country she was in. It was best this way. But his thoughts kept circling around her, constantly. Even in his sleep, she was there. He could see her face, but she didn't smile. Fuck, how he missed her smile! He wasn't supposed to ever see it again. Ever. But how does one live with that knowledge when it's eating at your heart and your soul every second of the day?
«I've been thinking,» Jongho said one day they were all sitting in the rehearsal room. Everyone looked at him and gave him time to form whatever was going on in his head. It seemed to be important, he was struggling. «I... I can't do this anymore.»
«What do you mean?»
Fear clawed at their hearts.
«I can't live like this,» he said, waving his arms around. «This place sucks! We got people looking at every little thing we do! We make no decisions ourselves anymore, and... I can't take it!»
Seonghwa grabbed his hand and just held it.
«I kinda feel the same way,» Mingi suddenly said. Yunho already knew how he felt about this, but the others looked surprised at each other.
«Anyone else?» Joong said.
«I would gladly have quit for Maya's sake,» Seonghwa said quietly. «And now that she's not around... It still feels wrong. What they gave us... It wasn't a gift, they're pulling us apart. We need each other.»
«But... Do you want to quit the business, or is it just... KQ?» Hongjoong couldn't hide the pain in his voice. He needed music. Absolutely needed it. Had to have it in his life.
«I'm not sure any other company would ever as much as look at us if we leave KQ,» Seonghwa said.
«Don't be so sure,» Wooyoung said. «I might have heard different.»
«What?»
«I know a lot of idols, you know that. And some have come with hints. Like serious hints.»
—
A/n
Sorry for making KQ look bad in this story. I absolutely do not think they're anything like this in real life. Remember, this is just fiction!
Again - thank you for reading! We're getting closer to the end, but I have no idea if we're five or ten (or 25) chapters out. Remains to be seen. Love ya!