JIMIN'S POV:
Unexpectedly and very pleasantly, namjoon helped me sideline the ongoing chaos in my mind.
He was correct. In the process of trying to hurt jungkook with my actions, all I was thinking of was jungkook and I was the one being most affected by it. I needed to not give him that amount of significance and definitely not let my head be filled by his thoughts.
After spending quite some time in the terrace, I climbed downstairs and sneakily went to the room so that jungkook would not wake up and start showering me with questions which I would not like to answer to.
But thanks to the luck I have, as soon as I entered the room, the room's lights lit up and jungkook had already woken up, he didn't even look sleepy which had me assume that he was waiting for me to get back since quite a time.
'You had me worried!' He said and I just hummed.
I was going to follow what namjoon had advised me and that is not answering to jungkook in a certain way that will keep me thinking about it for a long time.
And I too didn't want to be rude to him, or to anybody. I mean it was not me and I would not be someone I am not just because of a certain person.
Not that being all nice and forgiving was in my list, but I was just not going to answer in a specific way and tone that would make me wonder about whether I did right or wrong.
I was just going to be honest to myself, my heart and like namjoon said, I wasn't going to curse myself for not being able to hate jungkook.
If I didn't hate him, then that's it. I thought to stop forcing myself to feel something that I was unable to. But it doesn't mean I was going to forgive all of jungkook's atrocities as well.
He was a jerk and he would continue to be one. I understood it very well, by the time.
'You could have said to me, you were going up there in the terrace! I started searching for you like a maniac until namjoon told me about your whereabouts!' Jungkook further said and I clenched my fists as I heard namjoon informed him.
What kind of a person was he? One moment he tells me not to forgive his friend and the other moment he tells his friend about where I am...
'Needed some air, that's all' I huffed out.
'You are barefoot on top of that! Aren't you cold?' He screamed just a little as he realized there were no slippers on my feet.
'I would rather be barefoot! My feet are burning for some reason!' I answered and I really was speaking the truth.
'Burning? Shall I call nurses?'
'No, it's okay!' I shrugged off as I headed to the washroom to wash my feet off.
I thoroughly washed them and saw jungkook standing upright as soon as I opened the door.
'What's your problem? Let me be for god's sake.' I swear I was so annoyed by his behaviour. He was being so clingy.
'I just wanted to check whether you were okay or not!' His soft tone didn't help me at all.
'You really need to get off my back, jungkook before I say or do something stupid!'
'I was just being concerned about you! Don't get me wrong! Why won't you let me care about you?' He stretched his hands which I dodged after flinching very violently. I later realized he did so to caress my cheek but I got scared out of reflex.
He immediately retracted his hand back down, and I kept on staring at him and he too reciprocated my gaze. He was still struck to be precise.
'This is why, this is why I won't let you care about me. Because everytime you get close to me, I feel like being choked, I feel trapped and I want to do all sorts of things to you that you did to me but I can't and I won't because I am not like you, and I do have the conscience to not get physical at any condition.'
'I- I jimin,-'
'Let's finalise something, once and for all! Even if you repent your whole life, keep on apologising to me until you reach your grave, I won't forgive you. Not a chance, that I will free you from your guilt, which I doubt is there unlike how you are showing it!' I yelled at his face and shoved him aside and went towards my bed.
'Then hurt me, scream at me, be angry to me as much you want to, just don't keep this much of hatred for me. I won't be able to endure it!' He came beside me, and spoke as he touched my shoulder which was really not upto my liking.
'It's so not fun that you have changed so quickly, jungkook! You need to act better to try and convince myself!' I shoved his hand from my shoulder like a bed and sat on my bed with my legs still suspending on the side of the bed. They were soaked in water and I had to dry them to get back in the bed.
As if jungkook understood my intention, he came up with a towel and kneeled as he gently started to dab my feet with the towel.
'This is not an act! Me attending to you is not an act! My concern for you is not an act. I really am sincere and I would do anything to correct myself!' He stated as he continued his work with the towel.
'I doubt there is anything you can do to redeem yourself, jungkook! We both know you had so many chances to mend our marriage and but you lost all of them! Infact you didn't lose them, actually, you deliberately didn't grab onto them because I was a burden to you and maybe I still am. You are free, jungkook. You can do anything you want from now on, I won't have any problem with it as it's not in my place to even be concerned about your activities.' I took my legs up and slipped into the quilt without giving him a look.
His face was really irking me, how dare he seem as if he was the one suffering when I was the one drowned in endless sea of sorrow.
I turned sideways at left, showing him my back! I could still sense his presence behind me. He was not budging from his position at all.
'I am aware of everything I have done to you. And even if you won't forgive me your entire life, there won't be a single moment when I wouldn't be apologetic to you! I want you to know that you are done being hurt, you are done being scared. Your sufferings are over from this moment onwards. I won't let anyone harm you including me. I would do everything in my power to keep you safe. No matter what you say, no matter how long you would keep on shooing me like a bug, I would be right beside you and you would be my very first priority!' His tone very firm, each and every word escaping from his mouth concisely, but I couldn't feel anything at all, not even an ounce of emotion.
I wasn't sure whether he was sincere or not, but even if he was it didn't matter no more. He mercilessly killed my soul turned me into a breathing corpse, so it didn't matter whether his words were true or not, the damage had been done and I wouldn't be the same anymore.
But my eyes were betraying my thoughts, as tears were making their way out down to my cheeks. I held my palms over my mouth, silently sobbing.
I didn't want to!
Jungkook was affecting me, his words were affecting me. I thought I was strong enough to not let him get to me but yet again I was betrayed. I was betrayed by myself.
'I love you, jimin! I really do. Although it's more than late for me to confess, for me to actually acknowledge my feelings for you that I have been terming as a mere 'care', I know and so do my heart that you are the one. You are the one for me and I love you so much! I-'
I threw the quilt away as I got up abruptly and did what I was stopping myself to do.
I struck jungkook. I struck him very hard causing him to get pushed a bit further.
'Out of all the time, out of all the moments we have spent together, out of all the chances layed at your feet, you decide to confess to me at this pont when I am trying to unlove you! Love? Are you even hearing yourself? Do you even know what love is? Love is what I did to you, jungkook! You are insulting both my emotions and me by claiming that you love me when I am past the healing point. You are heavily mistaken if you think I will come running at you hearing your lies. Yes, I wanted you to love me, I wanted you to hold me, to kiss me, to touch me, to caress me but not anymore. I don't even want your shadow to touch me. You disgust me to that level.' He kept on listening to my rant with his head down. I hope my words hurted him more than enough to back off and leave me alone but NO, luck wasn't on my side like other times.
'Do you hate me, jimin? Do you hate me so much that you don't want to even see my face? Do you? And I want you to be honest. Nothing less, nothing more.' He turned his head to me as he searched for something in my eyes, maybe some kind of reassurance that I donot hate him or I wanted him with me but I wasn't giving him that satisfaction.
Did I hate him though? No I didn't! Not because of the crap namjoon gave me saying the kind of nature I have, I give zero f's about the kind of person I am or the kind of person I see myself as. Even if I was definitely not someone namjoon described me as, I wouldn't have been able to hate jungkook. I had enough of lying to myself. I knew the truth but it was upto me if I wanted to tell it to anybody.
'What would you do if I say that I hate you?' I cross questioned.
'I would never come in your way just like you want me to!'
'I am sorry for the slap!' I spoke and I was puzzled as I pondered upon the words that I just muttered.
Was it even me?
'I can endure thousands of it from you!' He instantly replied still waiting for the answer to his question.
'I- I...'
Say it! Say it! Say it!
'I don't want to be with you, no more!' I said!.
That was not the answer to his question! Say it to his face that you hate him! Make sure to look deep in his cold eyes!
'I have said it million of times and I will say it again. I despise you! Your face irks me and every part of you disgusts me!'
Finally!
'No, you are not being honest! I can absolutely catch on your lies, jimin!' His stubborn tone, he was being serious headache for all I could say.
'No, I don't hate you! But it doesn't mean that I like you as well! And you won't be forgiven.'
'Are you saying that to me or to yourself? You need me and so do I.' Within microseconds, his face was infront me, my face clutched in his palm, his breath fanning over my lips which touched his soon. My lips being molded onto his, I closed my eyes and I could have pushed him back, but I didn't. My body didn't let me do it. It betrayed me at the peak moment.
The moment when I needed to compose myself the most, I slipped away. I slipped away so badly that in next few minutes he was on top me, I was under him, my hospital gown was gone leaving me in my single piece of undergarment and his upper body was naked too. He was ripped, I could feel it. His hard abs, I could feel it in my stomach.
His lips were latched onto mine like a magnet, not willing to leave mine at anytime soon and so I did I feel the same from my side.
His trousers were gone as he kissed me all the way down to my navel and bit the hem of my underwear, slowly taking it off and I was writhing and trembling under him, under his touch.
Every sensation, every touch of his being new to me, I let him take control of my unexperienced self until the morning as I soon found myself drowning in pleasure and so did he.
My words didn't match the way I felt. That isn't how I wanted to get back at jungkook at all!
Not with him on top of me, and we both being naked, huffing and puffing, sweating buckets, closing our eyes, mumbling, moaning! Definitely not that way!
As horrific it sounds, I let lust overpower the intensity of anger I had for him.
A/n:
SHIT'S ABOUT TO GO DOWN, NEXT CHAP!! VOTE BISHES!!