⚠️Smallest mention of abuse⚠️
Numb.
Numb is what I'm feeling, or really not feeling I guess. It's currently Sunday, maybe 1pm in the afternoon and I haven't left my bed since I got in it on Friday. Apart from going to use the toilet and to grab unhealthy snacking food when my stomach makes a noise to remind me that I need food to live. My phone is somewhere under the covers with me, I think it's under my right boob but I don't have the energy to move anything to find out. I think it died yesterday afternoon so no one has been able to contact me and I've not been able to see if anyone has tried.
I did message Wanda saying I would be over Saturday morning because I knew I was going to crash in bed on Friday due to a busy week at work. However, like I said, I haven't managed to properly get back out of bed. I'm in the same clothes that I changed into on Friday which is a pair of sweatpants and a hoodie, something comfortable that engulfs me completely.
I'm curled up tightly in a ball, hugging one of the many pillows the bed has while I face away from the door and bedside table, not wanting to see her face and the bit of metal I used to wear. The duvet and blanket are all scrunched up around me, caccooning me in as my arms are wrapped around the pillow and my knees pulled up towards my chest. My eyes staring aimlessly at the blank wall in front of me as my mind goes quiet for a moment, floating within the dark abyss that it has slowly been pulled back into.
It's peaceful, but nerve wracking, as my eyes focus on a small imperfection on the wall. It is only small, a tiny dent where I have obviously hit a bit of furniture into it when rearranging my room at 2am when I have the sudden urge to do so. My mind starts questioning how such an imperfection is that easy to miss when right now I can’t unsee it and now that I know it’s there I'm going to have to sort it out otherwise I might not ever be able to take my eyes off it. My mind suddenly fires up when I remember the real reason the dent is there and my eyes squeeze shut to stop looking at it as memories of that day flood my mind. Steph’s voice echoes around my brain, bouncing inside my head with no way of allowing it to escape so it just keeps bouncing.
“Waste of Space.”
“Stupid Bitch.”
“You’re a fucking dissapointment no wonder your mom’s in the looney bin.”
But the words don’t hurt me like they used to, they just annoy me that they play on repeat. What hurts me is as I open my eyes again a memory flashes right in front of me. The picture frame in her hand as her mouth moves the look of betrayal and anger paints a nasty picture on her face. Her arms wave about in the air as she lets her frustration out. I can’t remember what she was sayin so all I see is her figure towering over me as I cower in bed, the exact same position I am in now. I flinch when she throws the picture frame against the wall, the corner leaving the dent before the image dissipates before me, leaving me a little less numb and a whole lot more emotional.
I let out a dry chuckle as I move my hand, the fact that steph and her behaviour the reason I am able to move it just a little, bringing it up to wipe at my tears as a half sob half laugh leaves my lips. Nothing is funny in the slightest but I lose all self control as I break out into full on laughter, the whole situation is so unbelievable that is unintentionally funny to my mind that is processing every emotion in a matter of seconds. I roll onto my back, looking up to the ceiling as another laughing fit takes over me, both my hands wiping at the tears that won’t stop falling.
I turn my head to the right as I calm down from my laughing fit, my eyes flicking to see the picture on my bedside table and my laughter quickly turns into a sob; my hand quickly covers my mouth. I can’t move my eyes away from the picture, my vision soon blurring from all the tears that are building up and I can no longer make out the fine details within the photo. I roll my body over so it is now facing the same way I am looking, reaching out a shaky hand as I grab onto the ring that sits against the small wooden frame.
I hold the ring between my finger and thumb, bringing it up to my lips and place a small kiss on the cold metal with a small giggle; rolling my eyes at myself. This is so stupid, kissing something that no longer has the same meaning as it used to, in fact its a daily reminder of everything that I lost. How the hell did everything I had ever loved get taken away from me within the blink of an eye, after everything I have been through? I didn’t think I could lose anymore in my life, I had enough loss and destruction that I could hardly face it. Not until she stood by my side, held my hand and told me that she would be with me every step of the way.
But now she is 729 steps behind me….730 tomorrow.
729 days, that's 17496 hours. Or 1049760 minutes, which is 62’985’600 seconds. It feels like it was just yesterday since I saw her smiling and laughing, just yesterday when she told me she loved me for the last time. But it was only 62’985’600 seconds ago and comparing that with the average of 2’523’000’000 seconds that someone lives for it really hasn’t been that long. But all it takes is 1 second to destroy every other second that was counting up to old age with my wife and child.
1 second.
“Fucking stupid piece of expensive metal.” I don’t even look as I throw the ring somewhere in the room then grab the pillow and stuff it over my face as I scream into it.
Both my arms are wrapped over the pillow as I keep it stuffed over my face as I scream and shout into it, not doing much to muffle the sound but it’s better than screaming into an empty room. Suddenly. Before I even know I am doing it, the pillow ends up being launched at the door as I kick at the bed covers now feeling very hot and very uncomfortable. I push myself to sit up against the headboard, pulling my knees to my chest and wrapping my arms around them as I rest my face on the top of my thighs. I force my eyes shut trying to regain some control over my rapidly changing emotions, my hands scratching at the outside of my legs as I push into the bed with my feet to secure me against the headboard.
My hands move from my legs into my hair starting to pull at the roots and scratch harshly at my scalp, before sliding my hands down to my face and rubbing it harshly with new tears threatening to spill. I cover my ears when I hear S.U.S.I.E announcing something to me but the words are a jumble of mess that my brain scrambles more as I start talking to myself.
"You're fine, you're fine." My palms press more against my ears drowning out the sound of S.U.S.I.E once again my fingers digging into the skin just behind my ears.
"So stupid. So fucking stupid. You've worked yourself up. You did this to yourself." My brain forces the words out of my lips, shaking my head in response to the inner thoughts becoming very loud and speaking themselves.
Suddenly the room is engulfed in light, one of my hands moving to protect my eyes from the harsh light as the other starts pulling my shirt away from my skin. I don't even know how I got myself in this state in a matter of minutes and the loud buzzing of emotions starts fogging up my brain causing another round of sobs to leave my mouth. I turn my head quickly as my hand is pulled away from my eyes and my bottom lip quivers uncontrollably as I see the comforting green eyes I've come to love.
"W-W- Wanda."
She quickly nods her head, moving to sit next to me on the bed and pulling me into her as my arms wrap around her waist. My head rests on her boobs as I squeeze her tightly making sure she is actually here and not my stupid brain playing tricks on me. I can feel one of her hands start to weave through my hair, the other on my lower back holding me close.
This position is a little uncomfortable as my legs are still pulled close to my body, my knees pushing into Wanda’s thigh, as all my body weight rests on her torso. My hands grab and pull at the sides of her shirt every now and again, my mind still buzzing with emotion and I'm afraid it's all a dream.
Wanda removes her hand from my hair moving it so she can lift my right hand from her waist up to her face where she uses it to cup her cheek. She turns her hand to plant a few kisses on my open palm, Wanda's hand remains on top of mine as her thumb rubs along my knuckles.
"I'm here baby." She slowly starts to rock her body side to side, the hand on my back rubbing gentle circles and I feel more kisses placed on my palm as I close my eyes. "I've got you. I'm right here."
The words are enough to break the dam and a loud sob escapes, my hands gripping onto her shirt so tightly my knuckles turn white as I squeeze my eyes shut pushing out all the tears that have been building up. She whispers softly between us, repeating herself over and over that she has got me. Her hand that is holding mine against her face pulls them both down to her chest where she pushes my palm flat against it, her heart beating slowly and steadily is the first thing I feel. Then she pushes her fingers in the gaps between mine and holds my hand steadily as my body is too weak as the build up of emotions makes me completely crumble.
Wanda starts to hum a soft tune, something I don't recognise as both her hands move down to my waist; my hand on her chest dropping into her lap and takes a hold of her shirt once again. I open my eyes looking down at Wanda’s hands as she pulls me sideways into her lap. As Wanda moves me into her lap I move my head into the crook of her neck and move both of my hands into my lap where I start pulling at my fingers.
Wanda’s left arm wraps around my back to keep me against her and her right hand holds mine on my lap and she traces her index finger along each of mine circling each knuckle before drawing a squiggly line up one side of a finger then down the other. Once she has traced the outline of all my fingers on my right hand she turns it over and does the same thing again; my eyes never once moving away from watching her as she continues to hum.
When her finger moves to trace random shapes in the palm of my hand I tilt my head to look up at her, taking one last shuddering breath as my crying comes to a slow stop now just left with a very sniffly nose and itchy eyes.
“Hi baby.” Wanda’s voice is soft, kept at a low whisper as she smiles softly down at me.
I don’t say anything in return, instead just choosing to look up at her and moving my free hand to rest on top of her hand that is still tracing patterns on my other one. Her eyes flick down to watch as I wrap both my hands around hers, bringing it up to my lips and placing a gentle kiss on the back of it. I then move my right hand to cup her left cheek while my left hand pushes her hand against my cheek like she did with me earlier. Wanda’s eyes look back to mine and the amount of love I see behind them makes me want to never look away from the pool of green again.
“Wanda.” My voice croaks, my throat dry from all the crying as I try to find the words but Wanda simply shakes her head.
“You don’t need to apologise, or explain, or thank me even. I know what tomorrow is and would have been over yesterday if I could but no one was available to look after the boys. But I'm here now for whatever you need, baby. I'm right here.”
"I love you." It's all I say and it comes out muffled as I push my face into her neck more, breathing in the relaxing strawberry scent of hers.
"I love you too, baby. So, so much." Wanda continues to gently rock from side to side, keeping the atmosphere calm and allowing me and my body to calm down from whatever that episode was earlier.
"You're so pretty." Wanda giggles that amazing giggle, the one that makes my heart practically jump out of my chest, at my sudden words.
"Random, but thank you. You're very pretty to dorogaya." I tilt my head to peck the underside of her jaw and move my left hand up so my index finger can trace her sharp jawline.
My eyes follow along with where my finger traces as I move my finger down the side of her neck, Wanda’s soft smile never leaving her face as I feel her hand on the small of my back start to draw its own shapes and patterns. My finger travels along her shoulder then I pull it back towards me as it moves over her collarbone. My finger moves to the base of her neck where I move it upwards all the way to her chin where I use my finger and thumb to hold onto it and tilt her head down to look at me; as I tilt mine to look up at her.
I push my head up slightly pressing my lips against hers in a small kiss, Wanda not doing anything to deepen the kiss just allowing our lips to touch in the softest kiss I’ve ever had. She smiles against my lips causing me to smile, our eyes looking into each other letting the silence in the room take over not needing to say anything to one another to know what the other is feeling. I take my hand away from her chin smiling more as she giggles between us as I boop her nose gently causing it to scrunch.
“You’re in a goofy mood all of a sudden baby.” I giggle with her as I shrug my shoulders not truly knowing if it's me or my emotional turmoil being goofy.
“I’ve had the sadness, then the anger, then the laughing, then the anger again.Then more sadness. Might as well be a comedian before the sadness or anger hit again.” Wanda’s smile turns downwards slightly, but not into pity. She is simply feeling her feelings too, but I don't know if her sad smile is directed towards how I’m feeling and acting, or if the situation itself is what is upsetting her.
“Well whatever you are feeling I am here to hold you through it all.”
“Have you managed to do anything since friday?” I shake my head resting it against her shoulder. “Do you want me to run you a bath and we can get you washed, just help you relax physically.”
“I don’t want to burden you looking after me when I am like this.” Wanda cups my cheek with her right hand, her thumb drawing small circles on my skin, the softest look on her face.
“Dorogaya, I am here for you good days. I am here for your bad days. And I am here for these sort of days where your grief takes over and you can’t physically do anything or mentally bring yourself to do simple things. And baby that is more than okay, you are allowed to have these days and you are allowed to ask for help. Because, dorogaya, I don't know if you know but I love all of you. All of you. All of who you are. And if that means you have days where I have to help you out a little, then I will happily help over letting you suffer alone. No one should have to suffer alone, not even you.”
Her thumb wipes at a few tears that roll down my cheeks, her lips pressing between my eyebrows as her other hand that's on my back rubs small circles; my body relaxing at her gentle touch. I close my eyes as her lips travel gently around the parts of my face they can reach, her thumb continues to draw circles on my wet cheek as she allows me to let her words sink in; her small actions help to settle my fast moving mind.
She wants to help.
She isn’t angry that I can’t get myself to do anything.
She is here for me.
She isn’t mad that I didn't turn up this weekend.
She remembered what day it is tomorrow.
She thought about how I would feel.
She is letting me do what I need to do to feel okay.
She is holding me close. Kissing my head. Wiping my tears.
She is here.
She cares.
She won’t hurt me.
Wanda is not Steph.
Wanda is not Sarah.
Wanda is Wanda.
Wanda is who I need.
“Can you help me to the bath and that?” I mumble against her shoulder, diverting my eyes to look at the picture that brings tears to my eyes but a small smile grows on my face at the memories instead of having another breakdown.
“Of course, you stay here while I get it going and I will come back and get you okay, dorogaya?”
“Okay, princess.” I see Wanda smile at the use of the petname as she pecks my lips and slowly pushes me off her lap, helping me to sit against the headboard.
“I love you dorogaya.” Wanda brings my hands up to her lips to kiss but stops before they touch. “Where's the ring?”
“Imayhavechuckeditsomewhereintheroom.” I mumble quickly under my breath and Wanda tilts her head bringing our hands down to rest in my lap.
“Sorry baby, I didn't catch that. I just thought you would be wearing it, I didn’t see it on the bedside table so I just assumed it was on your finger.” The corner of my mouth twitches as I avoid eye contact feeling like she is mad that I’m not wearing it.
“It's here…somewhere.” Wanda removes one of her hands from mine using her thumb to tilt my chin upwards so I can look at her but I close my eyes not wanting to see how she may be looking at me.
“Baby, what happened to the ring?” Her voice is soft and it makes my bottom lip tremble and I feel new tears sting my eyes. Great more sadness.
“I don’t know. I don’t know.” I let out a small sob and Wanda immediately pulls my body back into hers, her arms wrapping around my shoulders as she shifts to sit on her knees as my arms wrap around her body. “I threw it and…and…and now I don’t know wh-where it is. I don’t know.”
“I’ve got you.” I cry more just hearing those three words as her hands rub up and down my back, and I bury my head back into the crook of her neck as a loud sob takes over my body.
Stop fucking crying you little bitch.
I squeeze my eyes shut at the sound of her voice in my head. Breathing in the strawberry scent I've come to love as I hear her voice whispering sweet nothings into my ear. However, the other voice in my mind is just that little bit louder than Wanda’s.
Such a fucking bitch, crying all of the time. Get a hold of yourself.
I shake my head, bringing a hand to rub at my temple hoping to get rid of the voice still slightly aware that I’m with Wanda so can’t face her out loud. I jump slightly when I feel Wanda’s hand come to rest on the crown of my head, and if she notices she doesn't say anything which I am grateful for but the way her hand moves slower through my hair lets me know she probably did notice.
You are nothing, nothing to me. Nothing but a good fuck with deep pockets.
I press my lips together trying to stop a sob from escaping as my body shakes a little as my hand moves from my temple to the edge of my hairline where I gently start scratching at my roots and pulling on some stray hairs.
How did you ever think I loved you? How could anyone ever love you?
“Stop.” I don’t even know I've said it till I feel Wanda’s hand freeze.
Oh honey, you really think I believe that you had a wife and child. Just some excuse so you can go out and fuck anything with a heartbeat.
“Stop.”
You are useless.
“Baby.” Wanda’s voice doesn’t register with me as I push my body away from hers quickly, pushing myself back a bit before I feel nothing below me then suddenly I'm on my side on the carpet. “Shit Y/n!”
You are undeserving of love.
“Hey baby, I’m here. Can you look at me?” I hear the thick Sokovian accent lacing each and every word but I can't peel my brain away from the voice in my head to concentrate on the one in front of me.
You are a disgusting
“Baby.'' The softness of her voice is over powered by how it wavers as I hear it crack with emotion. I suddenly feel a hand on the side of my neck but I don't jump away from it, in fact I lean into it.
Her fingers gently rubbing at the skin and I feel her other hand come to rest on the other side of my neck, a shaky breath leaving her lips. I can feel and hear everything she is doing, it's slowly over powering the voice trapped within my mind.
Come one Y/n you are a coward, unworthy of love. How I put up with you for so long is a question I will never be able to answer.
“I’m worthy.” I whisper to myself as I move my hand to hold onto one of Wanda’s finally opening my eyes and the first thing I see is her toothy smile with a slight lip tremble.
You are someone who I should have never got involved with. You made me into this. All of those cuts and bruises are your fault and no one else. You haven’t gotten out of bed all day and you blame it on something that isn’t real!
“It’s real.” I see Wanda’s smile falter as I bring my hands to my ears trying to stop her voice, Wanda’s hand remains on my neck the touch just enough to keep me in this reality.
“Baby, I need you to tell me who you are talking to.” My eyes dart up to meet Wanda’s, her thumbs start rubbing up and down my jaw.
“Her voice. It won’t stop.” I rub at my ears, moving down to my temples as Wanda attentively watches my every movement.
“Sarah?” I shake my head quickly. “Steph?”
“Yeah, what she said to me last year. It is just replaying and I….I can’t make her stop.” I look up to Wanda, my bottom lip trembling uncontrollably. “Please make her stop.”
“Okay, baby, you’re going to be okay.” Wanda swallows harshly watching as I move my hands to rub at my eyes harshly as they feel dry and scratchy. “You are allowed to feel. Whatever Steph has made you feel about this day. Whether it’s that you don’t have a right to feel sad or that you being a widow is all a lie. But we know that’s not true don't we?”
“Mhm.”
“And I’m here to hold you as you remember. I’m here to hold you as you cry. I will hold you as you break down. I will hold you as you feel all of that grief. I will hold you if you feel nothing at all. I will hold you and I am never letting you go. Not for a single second. I will hold you, so that you can hold on to the feeling of you in my arms, or me in yours. You are safe dorogaya, you are loved and I am going to make sure I remind you of that every day.”
Wanda pulls my hands away from my face, pulling them so my arms wrap around her shoulders as her hands land on my waist. She rests her forehead against mine, rubbing our noses together in an eskimo kiss before pecking my lips gently. She smiles softly as she pulls away, keeping her hand on my waist she slowly moves to stand up pulling me up a little bit, struggling but trying not to show it. I tighten my arms around her shoulders and plant my feet on the floor so I can help get me standing. My body is sore from laying in bed all weekend and then falling off it.
“Are you still up for a bath?” She asks softly as she adjusts our positions, my whole body feeling like a dead weight to myself so I can only imagine how heavy I must feel leaning into her side.
“Will you stay?”
“Always.”
Wanda’s arm wraps around my waist moving one of my arms to rest across the top of her shoulders while she holds the other one in her hand between us. I keep my head down watching every step to make sure I don't trip or stumble and cause us both to hit the ground. My body is aching, it's tired, it wants to collapse under its own weight but when I hear Wanda whispering between us the same words over and over I find the energy to take it one step at a time.
“I’ve got you.” It’s the same three words over and over, said so softly and with so much love. Three words and I have the strength to try, to fight her voice, to keep moving, keep loving, keep looking to the future and not the past. “I’ve got you.”
I close my eyes for a second as a sudden wave of tiredness hits me, and I stumble a little but Wanda’s secure hold on me keeps us standing. When I feel myself being lowered I don’t have the energy to open my eyes to understand what's going on but feeling her place me down to sit on something I can only guess we made it to the ensuite and I'm currently sitting on the lid of the toilet. My body sways backwards and forwards slightly as I hear water start running, the sound of Wanda shuffling around the bathroom also clear as day so I can sort of guess where she is without having to open my eyes.
I feel a gentle hand place itself on my knee, my hand immediately moving to hold onto it and I smile softly as I feel her other hand cup my face. Even with my eyes closed I don’t startle from the contact, even though I know it's Wanda, normally the sudden touch is enough to make me jump. I recognise her touch. My eyes flutter open when I hear Wanda mumble to herself with a goofy smile on her face as she looks down to the bathroom floor.
“What’s got you smiling princess?”
“You didn’t flinch. I just…I was extra gentle just in case because of the way you have reacted before but you didn’t even flinch.” Wanda’s soft green eyes look up to mine. “You recognise my touch.”
“I do.” my eyes flutter closed again as Wanda leans away to turn the water off.
“Let’s get you in the bath, dorogaya.” I nod lazily, lifting my arms as I feel wanda lift my shirt up slowly and removing it from me before chucking it on the floor.
“Loves yous.” I feel a peck against my lips at my tiredly mumbled words.
“Love you too baby.” Wanda wraps my arms back around her neck as she slowly lifts me off the toilet. “Up we get.”
“I’m sorry.” I say as I rest my body against hers, as she pulls my sweatpants and underwear off, my hands on her shoulders the only thing keeping me standing.
“No need to say you're sorry baby. You have nothing to apologise for. You are not a burden. I am doing this because I love you and I care for you, not because I have to but because I want to.”
“This is all just new.” Wanda kicks all the clothes into the corner of the bathroom as her hands move to cup my face, and I naturally lean into her touch. “I’m not used to it.”
“Used to what, baby? Being looked after.” I simply nod and Wanda stands on her tiptoes to give me a small kiss. “Well that is what being with someone is dorogaya. It’s knowing when they need help, when they need a shoulder to cry on, when they need you to just hold their hand and sit in silence. It’s about knowing when you need all of it even if you don’t know yourself. I am truly, truly sorry that she who shall not be named never did anything as simple as looking after the person she was meant to love. But I am here now, with you helping you in any way you need including helping you wash when you don’t have the physical and mental strength to pull yourself out of bed.”
“I love you so much princess.” I rest my forehead against Wanda as she places her hands on my waist and pulls me towards the bath, her eyes only leaving mine so she can see where she is going as she turns her head away slightly.
“I love you too, so much, dorogaya.” I smile softly realising I can no longer hear Steph’s voice in my head.
“She’s gone.” Wanda doesn’t say anything at first, taking my hand as I slowly step into the bath and lower myself into the water; Wanda slowly moves to kneel on the floor next to the bath as I relax.
“That’s good to hear, baby, it’s just me and you now. Now let me wash you, then we can get some food for you, nothing big, just something and then we can go from there.”
“I miss them Wanda.” Her hand on my face gently traces patterns and circles on my cheek as her eyes never leave mine.
“I know, baby. I know. You’re allowed to miss them. It’s okay to miss them.”
Wanda pushes a stray piece of hair behind my ear, the hand that is still in hers being pulled up to her lips where she kisses along my knuckles. She traces a line down the side of my face and along my jaw, her lips still pressing against my knuckles as she just simply looks at me. I suck in a breath, suddenly overwhelmed by emotion, my eyes producing new tears as my mind is overwhelmed with the feeling of love and the love I see from Wanda. She presses a final kiss to my palm as she places my hand on her cheek, and my mind pushes one feeling forward, hiding the rest away.
Longing .
Longing to be in this moment with Wanda forever. Longing to have her look at me the way she is all the time. Longing to let myself completely and utterly surrender to the love she is showing me. Longing to be completely hers without the longing of wishing for a love taken too soon. A longing to see Sarah and Evie again, to tell them I am sorry and that I love them. I feel my bottom lip quiver, Wanda not saying a thing, but not needing to. She is just letting me feel, letting me feel that longing. Letting me be not okay.
The longing I have to see Sarah and Evie is no greater than the longing I have to wake up with Wanda every day, but it is also no smaller. The feeling of longing is completely different in the two, but yet one in the same. The longing I have for them is being soothed by the longing for what I need and what I want. All I need and want is her.
“I may miss them, but I have all I need right here.” Wanda presses her lips together giving me a small nod, trying to hide the smile I know wants to show itself but I manage to make it appear by whispering between us. “Just us princess.”
“Just us, baby.”
================================
Word Count: 5702
This idea was suggested to me my a reader quite a while ago and I can't remember where I saw the idea. Do we want a part two of this chapter where we see a completely soft Wanda looking after Y/n, maybe in Wanda's PoV?