⚠️ TW: Panic Attack, talks of death and grief. Depictions and talks of abuse. Mentions of depression, PTSD and suicide.⚠️
I close my eyes, taking in a deep breath allowing the cold winter air to burn my lungs. I slowly peek my right eye open looking down the arrow towards the target in front, adjusting accordingly when the target moves slightly. I slowly exhale, my hot breath creating a mist in the air as my fingers release the arrow and it whizzes through the air. My target falls to the ground, shot right through the heart, and the white snow is soon coated with a layer of red.
My eyes scan the area to ensure there are no other possible targets before standing up from the fallen tree I was leaning against. I hold the bow in my hand as I make my way through the snow which is at least a foot deep now, the body of the fallen target slowly sinking down as the warm blood melts the snow. I look down to the body smiling sadly. I used to love hunting with Sarah. It was one of the things we used to do together. But it doesn't feel the same anymore.
"Nice shooting, but you missed your intended target." Kate nudges her shoulder against mine as she looks at the dead creature, as my eyes follow the tracks of the deer that ran as soon as the rabbit was struck.
"I could hardly kill the rabbit, I was not going to kill the deer." I bend down, pull the arrow out of the body and wrap a bit of string around the back legs. I hand the string to Kate who slings it over her shoulder.
"How about we just walk instead? Head up to the tree house."
"Yeah I'd like that." Kate gives me a sad smile as she starts leading the way through the forest.
"Do you want to walk and talk, or wait till we are up in the tree house?" I let my eyes wander the snow covered forest, my pace slowing sighting to look up to the tall trees.
"The trees have ears, the treehouse is a safe space." I hear Kate hum in confusion at my words.
"You're weird sometimes." I shrug my shoulders as I join her side once again.
"It's something Sarah would say whenever we came out here. Something about a drawing called ' The trees have ears, the field has eyes' and a poem by someone called Catherine Fisher."
"How did the poem go?" Kate links her arm with mine leading us through the forest as I look out to a distant tree, lost in thought.
"I believe I remember this correctly. I heard her say it enough when we came hunting for it to be stuck in my head like an annoying song."
"Sarah did like her arts." I smile at the memory of all the paintings that covered our walls and all the poetry books in our library room.
"Yeah she did." I take a small breath before recounting the poem out loud. "Walls have ears. Doors have eyes. Trees have voices. Beasts tell lies. Beware the rain. Beware the snow. Beware the man You think you know. -Songs of Sapphique"
"Wow, that is so beautiful yet the meaning is so deep and so true."
I hum in acknowledgement as we make it to one of the bigger trees in the forest staring at the wooden treads on the trunk. Following the treads up the trunk, and I see the small hatch for the tree house. It's not overly large, but there is enough room for 4 or 5 people to sit in it comfortably.
"Have you been here since I was here last?" Kate shakes her head.
"No, I haven't been back here since I last saw you. I've only just made it here this week to see Grandma J, since I'm meant to be training and preparing for a few competitions. Don't get me wrong I love living in New York and doing archery but sometimes it's nice to escape. You go first."
"I know what you mean. Running seems to be the only thing I'm good at these days." I turn around not wanting to see the possible pity on Kate's, and start climbing up the tree.
I reach the hatch, reaching up to push it open but it doesn't budge. I try hitting it with the side of my fist a couple times, but again it doesn't budge. Now it can't be blocked by snow because this thing has a roof, maybe it's just frozen over.
"Kate, have you got your hunting knife on you?"
"Yeah, why?"
"Chuck it up for me."
"Uh, no."
"What! Why not? I need it!"
"I will climb up and give it to you, knowing us, if I was to chuck it up it would end up killing you. And I don't want to see what Wanda is like when she is angry."
"Okay, well hurry up because my fingers are freezing to the wood."
"Why have you taken your gloves off?!"
"Oh my god Kate, stop asking questions and just bring me the knife otherwise I am going to turn into an icicle. And then you have to deal with an angry Sokovian and her two children."
"Wait, she's Sokovian?"
"Yup." I laugh when I hear Kate make a scramble up the ladder.
"Here, you go." She passes it up by the handle and I spin it in my hand, then stab it through the small gap between the two doors that make up the hatch. "What are you doing?"
"Opening the fucking door." My words are strained as I repeatedly use the knife to hammer away at the layer of ice holding the two doors together.
"Don't break my knife." I roll my eyes at Kate's panicked voice.
"I'm using the blunt edge to break the ice, it isn't going to break the knife." I go to hit the ice again but nearly fall out of the tree when my phone's ringtone suddenly sounds.
"Careful!" My foot slips but Kate manages to catch it.
"Could you answer that for me please?" Kate doesn't say anything but proceeds to lean up grabbing my phone out of my back pocket.
"Hello, family crematorium you kill 'em we grill 'em." I laugh as I look down to see Kate with a look of panic. "Oh my god Wanda, hi, yup. She is fine. Uh huh, yup. Understood. Sorry for scaring you. Yeah no problem. Tell Grandma J the treehouse she will know where we are. Okay, sure. Maybe an hour. Okay cool. Cool. Yup. You too. Byyyyeeee."
"Everything alright?" I laugh as Kate stuffs the phone back in my pocket.
"Yeah, I think I gave Wanda a small heart attack but everything is good. Now please get that fucking door open before we both fall out of the tree."
"Take the knife." Kate grabs the knife and I line my hand up with the gap between the two doors, then bring it back to my shoulder. With an open palm I push my hand into the doors which swing open into the treehouse. "See I got it."
"Yeah, Yeah. I never doubted your abilities, now move." She pushes her hand against my shoe to get me moving.
I pull myself up into the tree house heading straight for the oversized bean bag, my body falling into it with a relaxed sigh. I watch as Kate hangs the rabbit from the hatch. The world goes dark for a second as Kate chucks a blanket over my head, which I unfold and lay across my body. I watch as Kate grabs her own blanket, dragging a beanbag next to mine before collapsing into hers and throwing the blanket over herself. She turns onto her right side looking directly at me, so I turn onto my left as my eyes search her face.
"Talk to me Y/n. I mean it didn't surprise me my mom went all protective mode with you, I nearly did myself." I scrunch my brows.
"What do you mean?" Kate's hand comes up to my nose, her thumb wiping over it and I wince away.
"Your make up had started coming off after you and Wanda had your little kissing session outside the cabin."
"She didn't do anything." I'm quick to defend and by the look of Kate's face she doesn't believe me.
"Y/n, please."
"Kate I'm telling you the truth, she didn't do this." Kate raises her eyebrows towards me.
"Then what happened Y/n, and don't tell me you fell down the stairs again." My hands pull at the edge of the blanket nervously.
"I did fall down the stairs that time."
"Y/n, just admit that she pushed you."
"I can't." I turn to lay on my back looking at the ceiling of the cabin.
"Why not?" Kate stretches her arms out so she can pull my body around so I'm looking at her and I can feel the tears building in my eyes.
"Because I fell down the stairs."
"Y/n, come on. You can't just say I fell down the stairs all the time because I know she did it. Just like she shoved you into a glass cabinet, or how she blamed you for why she would hit you. Y/n she abused you!"
"I know Kate, I know she did. I've come to terms with it, I've faced it head on. I'm over it now, it's in the past so stop bringing it back up."
"Well I can't help it when you turn up to my cabin with two black eyes and a bruised nose."
"Wanda isn't Steph, Kate!" I stand up in a rush shaking my hands and legs out, my emotions starting to get the better of me.
"How do I know that, Y/n? I never even knew you were dating someone else! Just because the boys don't have marks on them doesn't mean she doesn't hit you!" Kate stands up, standing right in front of me with determination in her eyes.
"Kate, stop. Wanda doesn't hit me." Kate takes a step forward, even though I'm taller than her she is intimidating but she also keeps her distance and her hands by her side knowing how I could react.
"No, Y/n. How do I not know you're lying about this too? What did she do? Hit you? Punch you?"
"Kate, please." I look up to the ceiling as I tap my foot not wanting to cry.
"Y/n, you were so hurt and broken when Steph sent you to hospital. Twice might I add. The first time when she pushed you into a cabinet, the second when I found you at the bottom of the stairs with blood coming out of your nose."
"Kate, it's not like that with Wanda." My hands pull at my shirt, why is she being like this? I know she won't hit me, her body isn't tense, her arms aren't moving but her words hurt.
"Y/n how can I trust you enough to know you are telling the truth! You never told me Steph hit you until I caught her one day! So how do I know that Wanda didn't throw you down the stairs to shut you up!"
"Wanda didn't push me down the stairs, Steph did!" I shout out and Kate's face instantly morphs into one of relief and a small amount of smugness.
"Finally." Kate collapses back into her beanbag, and my head whips around with a look of utter confusion.
"What just happened?" I'm standing up looking like a complete idiot having no clue what just happened.
"You finally admitted to me that Steph pushed you down the stairs, and don't try taking it back now because you've already said it." My mouth opens and closes as I try to find the words.
"You accused Wanda of hurting me just so I would tell you about something that happened like 10 months ago. That's messed up, Kate."
"But it worked. Now sit down before you pop a blood vessel." Kate taps the edge of her head. "Your vein is bulging in your forehead, meaning you're angry which is understandable but just sit down and take a breath."
"Fine but I am angry at you." I slump down into my bean bag crossing my arms, a scowl on my face.
"I know, but I'm okay with that because you finally admitted something you haven't before, meaning you have finally admitted it to yourself."
"What are you, my therapist?" I scoff.
"No, but are you still going to yours?"
"Yeah."
"And how's that going? Is it still once a month?"
"It's therapy, so it's going. Some sessions are easier than others but it's changed to 2 sessions a week." I grimace when Kate sits up straighter with a look of worry on her face.
"Wait, why. What happened? What did Wanda do?"
"Why do you assume she did anything?" I defend Wanda knowing that even though what she said at the aquarium added to the reason it most definitely is not in the top 5 reasons.
"Because last month you were still doing your monthly appointments so she must have said or done something to trigger you, to cause your therapist to think you need biweekly sessions." I sigh, rubbing my hands over my face, as Kate pulls my legs around and my body upwards so I am now sitting facing her.
"She didn't mean it." My elbows rest on my knees as I bury my face in my hands.
"I don't care if she didn't mean it, what did she do?" Kate's voice has a hint of anger to it, but is also full of concern.
"Promise me not to go 'best friend' crazy on her. We have worked through it, and gotten past it...kind of….so no ripping her to shreds please."
"I can't promise that until you tell me what she did."
"Kate, please." I lift my head out of my hands slightly, my eyes glassy with tears as my foot starts to rapidly tap against the ground causing my body to move with it since my elbow is resting on my knee.
"Fine, I promise not to put an arrow through her." I give her a pleading look. "Fine I won't hurt her in any single way, but I can't promise I won't shout at her."
"Good enough I guess." Kate's hands come to rest on my knees, her fingers wrapping around my elbows as they start gently brushing up against them.
"What did she do Y/n?"
"Just please know she was in a bad place all week, her husband is a micro dick, manipulative, douche canoe. And that what she said came from a place of utter fear and hatred towards herself and that man."
"Y/n you're avoiding the point."
"No, I'm getting there I promise. I just need you to know that she didn't mean anything and we are working past it. Well we have worked past it, sort of. I think I forgive her but I don't 100% know because my brain keeps getting shot back into the past ever since we got here. This was meant to be a nice family vacation and so far, I've had a panic attack in the middle of the night scaring Wanda and Billy. I've disappeared for the day, they knew my whereabouts but I still ran. I had a moment in that Christmas shop when I came across a seal ornament. I just can't seem to escape it, and I'm trying my best to keep up this happy front mostly for the boys because Wanda knows I'm struggling. We've come up with a plan for when we get back to New York, which I should also probably, maybe, tell you about. God so much has happened this past month a half and most of it has been really good, like, so fucking good. But then my past comes to bite us both in the ass and just ruins everything that we had going. Not that me and Wanda aren't happy together because we are but….but…"
"Woah, woah. Calm down before you spiral." Kate's hands move to cup my face tilting it up so I'm staring at her, my hands dropping to hold onto my shirt. "You're rambling. Take a breath, please."
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry." My breathing starts to pick up and I choke on my words. "She didn't mean it, I promise Kate. She...she...she loves me…..she didn't hurt me….I mean….not….physically…."
"Hey, hey Y/n. Breathe for me, forget about the whole Wanda thing for a second and breathe for me." My eyes dart around the cabin.
"I can't….I can't….Kate….I can't….."
"Y/n can you look at me." My eyes move to her face for just a second before they move back to darting around the room. "Y/n I need you to copy my breathing. In. Out. In. Out."
"Kate...don't...hurt...Wanda."
"I'm not going to hurt her, I promised. You just need to concentrate on breathing for me."
"I can't…."
"Hey, hey. Okay. Uhm….right. Okay. Tell me five things you can see Y/n, five things you can see."
"I can see you, the beanbags, the….uh...the painting of you, the window and the door." Kate's thumbs start gently rubbing circles on my cheeks.
"Good now 4 things you can hear. What can you hear?"
"Me and you. The wind and the creaking of trees."
"Good, you're doing so well. Now 3 things you can feel."
"Your hands on my face, the beanbag under me and my shirt in my hands."
"Great, keep breathing for me. You are doing so well, so well. So tell me 2 things you can smell."
"The wood and your perfume."
"Good Y/n, you're doing so well. Final one, just keep breathing in and out. Name me one thing you can taste."
"Blood." I see Kate's eyes go wide but I finally feel calm again, my breathing still a little hectic but I can finally get it under some control.
"Blood?"
"I bit my cheek." Kate nods her head.
"You are okay, you've got me and I've got you. You did so well. How are you feeling?"
"Calmer." Kate's eyes search mine for any sign of deception but when she doesn't see any she relaxes. "How did you know the five things, thing?"
"I remember you telling me about it once." I nod in understanding. "What happened? Wait, no that doesn't matter, I don't want you spiralling again."
"It's okay Kate, I'm okay. My brain just couldn't keep up with my word vomit, and when you stopped me it hit me like a tonne of bricks. It happens. It's not your fault if that's what you think."
"And it's not yours either." I nod, but when I see a sign of anger on Kate's face I know I need to say something.
"It isn't Wanda's fault either. She isn't even here."
"Yeah but whatever she said has caused your brain to regress backwards. All that progress you made on being you again is just gone." I wince at her tone, my head flinching out of her hold.
"I don't want me to be just me again. I want to be better for them."
"What do you mean?"
"Kate I can't go back to who I was. I can't be the person I was before Sarah, I can't be the person I was with Sarah. I can't be the person I was after Sarah and before Steph. Because that me, died when she did and I'm never going to get that version of me back. And I'm okay with that. I don't want to be the kid who lived on the streets for a year, married someone who bullied them for the first few months of being at NYU, I don't want to be the depressed 20 year old who tried to take their life twice after waking up from a coma to find out my wife and child were dead. Those versions of me, I don't want them. I don't want them, Kate. I don't want them. They can go fuck themselves if they think they are ruining the best thing to happen to me in the past 2 years."
"But they are a part of you Y/n."
"I don't fucking want them to be a part of me." I stand up, pacing around the cabin. "Because if they are always with me I can't be the person I want to be for Wanda. I want to be better for her and unless my past selves get the fuck out of my head I can't do that."
"But you can." Kate stands up slowly holding her hands out in a way that shows me she doesn't want to hurt me but is also a sort of defensive stance, like she is scared I will hurt her.
"I can't Kate. I don't want to have to be reminded every day of what I had! I can't do that to Wanda, she deserves so much better than what I'm giving her. She needs someone who is stable, healthy, someone who doesn't have PTSD, panic attacks and any of the baggage that comes with dating me."
"You can and you will Y/n. You are not letting that woman go just because you don't think you deserve her. You do Y/n, you deserve so much in your life and from the sounds of it Wanda has stuck by your side every time you lose yourself to the past. Whatever she said or did to you, has hurt you but the difference is you know it was not her intent to do so. You know she loves you, like really loves you. You defend her honour, you smile at the mere mention of her name, you love the twins that is plain to see. You two have a plan, you told me yourself. Which to me means you are both going to be working as a team to be a better team. But don't you dare break that woman's heart just because you think you don't deserve happiness. Y/n, you are 22, you have been through lifetimes of hurt that no one should ever have to go through but you are still here. You are still fighting. Don't give up now when you are so close to getting the happiness you want and I know you deserve."
I come to a stop, my mind going over and over what Kate's said trying to make everything make sense. I mean she is 100% completely and utterly right when it comes to my love for Wanda and those boys, but I don't know how to move past the grief and everything that comes with it. I can't get past my past, and I hate that I can't but I know deep down that I never will. It's a part of who I am today and I am going to have to learn to be okay with that...I think I can be okay with it. Eventually.
I mean Wanda has already proven to me how much she loves me, it doesn't matter what she said or did at the aquarium because I know -deep down I know - she did not mean a single thing. But that part of my brain that I can never switch off, that part of my brain that won't let me forget.
Won't let me forget the moment I woke up asking for my wife and child, the looks on my families and the doctors faces telling me all I needed to know. It won't let me forget every mark Steph left on my body, every word she spat in my face, even times she said she loved me but showed nothing near what I knew love to be. It won't let me forget the year under the bridge. It won't let me forget how Sarah used to look down on me because she has money and I didn't, and she always seemed to hold that over me till I started working for her dad. The moment we got married my money was her money, and her money was my money yet I couldn't be the one to use that money. Not unless I had earned it.
My sister left me so she could galavant around the world in the air force, leaving me with a man who was never the father I needed to be. A mother who tried her best at protecting me from everything, but couldn't protect herself. The days where I would go to school and get into fights just so I had an outlet for my pent up emotions, it also turned out to be a great way to shift the blame for all the bruises.
The way my life was torn apart because I decided to save the life of a child. My world was completely destroyed. My future that was meant to be written page by page about me and my family, the book torn down the spine and thrown in the fire. My brain that's meant to be able to allow me to breathe, talk, think and control how I act has never truly been mine. That control has never been in my hands. That control has always been held by others around me. First my father, then by Sarah and finally by Steph. I've never had an ounce of control over anything I do when it comes to people who are meant to love me.
Not until Wanda.
I mean Laura and Clint also, but Wanda. Wanda doesn't have a need to control me, she doesn't want to control me. She doesn't hold anything above me, dangling it just out of my reach and everytime I jump to get it, pull it further away. She may have her own struggles in being able to open up, talk about things before she spirals but I understand why. And she understands me on a completely different level to anyone I've known. She understands me. She loves who I am now. She wants me for who I am now, including all the broken past selves that come with it.
She makes me feel safe, loved, cared for, special and most of all she makes me feel like I am allowed to conquer my demons with her help or own my own. She knows my needs, my wants, my desires. She knows me.
I'm her Y/n, and she's my Wanda.
I turn to look at Kate, who's eyes I assume have never left me as I have been stood frozen in the same spot for a good while. She smiles letting out a relieved sigh when I move to stand in front of her. I pull her in for a tight hug and she doesn't hesitate to reciprocate the embrace.
After a few minutes of just hugging in silence I pull away smiling down at my best friend who is smiling right back at me.
"I need to see Wanda." Kate's smile grows, her eyes scrunching.
"She's on her way." My head tilts to the side a little as I scrunch my brows. "The phone call earlier. She asked a couple of questions including where we were and if I thought she should come to see you. So I told her to wait an hour before getting Grandma J to show her the way here."
"I love you so much Kate." I giggle out as a few tears fall down my face as I hug her again, her head resting against my chest.
"I love you too, you big giant. Now she should be here in a minute, so unless you need anything else I'm going to head down. I will take the rabbit with me. Wanda will shout up the super secret password when she gets here, so you know it's her. Then the two of you have the treehouse to yourself."
"Thank you Kate. Really. For all of this. Thank you."
"It's okay, just please tidy up after yourself and Wanda. I don't want to come back to a ruined treehouse." I shove Kate off of me as I gasp.
"Excuse me, rude. Firstly, we are going to talk. I need to tell her a few things. Secondly, get your mind out of the gutter."
"Yeah but we always know that an emotional talk leads to..." Kate puts two fingers next to her lips as she pokes her tongue out, then moves her hand down making a gap between her middle and index finger of both hands and pushing them together.
"Kate!" I smack her hands gently so they fall to her side.
"Tell me I'm wrong." I got to speak but nothing comes out. "Exactly. Now I'm going before your hot girlfriend turns up. So bye Y/n."
"Bye Kate." I laugh out my words as she gives me a small wave before descending down the tree.
"Oh Y/n!" I peak my head over the hatch to see Kate on the ground.
"Yeah?"
"There's condoms in the small cabinet in the corner."
"Fuck me! You are so immature sometimes!" I flip her off.
"No thanks, that's Wanda's job!" Before I can even reply she runs off, and I move back to sit in the beanbag.
I let my mind go through everything from the last hour, smiling to myself as all I can think about is Wanda, the twins and how I will do anything and everything for them. Apart from leave them. That was a very dumb and very scary thought and I would hate myself if I ever did that. I promised myself, I promised Wanda, I've promised the boys and I've promised Nat to never intentionally hurt them. Walking away would have hurt all of us and probably made everything so much worse in the long run.
Wanda is my safe space, the boys fill me with happiness and all I need to do is be the best person I can be for them. I will take everything that life throws at me. I will take it and I will deal with it and I will be grateful for it. I will take strides to become a better person for them using therapy and other techniques. The space will be good because it will allow me to find things that make me happy, make me calm and relaxed for myself and not try and get it all from the three of them.
I'm brought out of my inner turmoil, wait no, my inner feelings; and possibly even some inner peace by the voice of a beautiful red-head who lights up my world. I smile widely as I hear her shout out the password.
"Clock tower!"
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Word Count: 5163