(Wanda PoV)
I look at my phone screen at the last message Y/n sent this morning, curled up on the bed as my own mind attacks itself as I think over the past 24 hours. I could hardly sleep last night, the bed felt so empty and I didn't have her warmth to keep me warm. It was cold, more so than normal.
My eyes aimlessly wander around the bedroom, it's very plain and minimalist which is a little odd as a lot of the house is decorated. I also can't see any pictures of Sarah or Evie like I had expected to, especially in Y/n's bedroom. Then it hits me.
I sit up in bed and take a proper look around, I'm not in Y/n's room. I'm in a guest bedroom. That night me and the boys stayed last week, me and her slept in this room. Why would we sleep in the guest bedroom? The answer lingers in the back of my mind but the dark thoughts of my wandering mind snuff it out quickly.
She has had so much going on this past month and a half, from her panic attacks to Vision and Steph, then how the news of her being a widow came out. My heart drops at a thought that has been lingering in the back of my mind since I found out about Sarah.
Is she ready for a committed relationship?
A committed relationship where there are two teenage boys involved?
She's told me she loves me and them, but what about what I did yesterday. What if what I did causes her to tip over the edge and she pulls away. What if she comes back today to break up with me? It wasn't just a petty fight. I said things that I can't possibly take back even if I tried my hardest too. I hurt her so deeply she wouldn't even let me hold her when we got home.
I don't know what changed. She was so snuggly when we were in the aquarium after we talked, we were both ready to finally be completely open with one another. Me more than I ever have in my entire life. I want to be able to give her what she wants, I want to be the person she sees me as and not who I've always known myself to be.
I can't lose her.
But, if she needs space and time to be able to sort her mental health out. Do something for her own sake, instead of putting everyone else first. If she needs help finding the light at the end of what I can only imagine is a very dark tunnel. If she needs my help everyday, but cannot allow herself to be helped. If she wants me to take a step back, stop being so overbearing and clingy.
Then I will give her all the space and time she needs. I will show her how badly she can treat herself by showing her that she deserves to be number 1 for once. I will carry the flashlight and help guide her through it. I will be there to support her even when she pushes me away. Then I can take a step back, allow her to get back on her feet. I can slow down, enjoy the moments I have with her and take great care of what life has given me.
My two beautiful boys.
And her.
But I broke her and I don't know if she will want me anymore. God my mind was all over the place yesterday, well the whole week. Why couldn't I have just talked to her, broken my resolve of having to push my feelings away. She wants to know what I'm feeling, she wants to help me fight through whatever I go through. Yet I just can't seem to let her break down the walls that I have spent so long building, no one but Pietro knew how and he is laying in a hospital bed with tubes and wires everywhere.
She called me Wanda yesterday. It broke me, but it broke me more knowing that I was the cause of my own hurt.
Pietro would have called me out on my shit my by, telling me everything I needed to hear and not what I wanted to be told. He never minced his words telling me straight to my face with no fear of hurting me, because in the end he was always right. I unlock my phone, taking one last look at mine and Y/n's last message where we said 'I love you'. I go into my contacts and call the only person I know that can help.
Nat: Hey sis! Why aren't you at work? Are you sick?
Me: Uh, no I'm not sick.
I think she can hear the tremble in my voice as I try not to cry.
Nat: What happened?
Me: We had a fight.
Nat: Is she home with you now?
Me: No, she left last night. She said she has to do something. I don't know where she is.
Nat: She left you after you had a fight! Like left you to sleep in the bed alone and went home?
Me: It's okay Nat I…..
Nat: No it's not okay. She left you after you had a fight, without resolving the issue. She left you alone Wanda. I'm not standing for it.
Me: Nat it's my fault.
Nat: I don't care who's fault it was, you don't leave the person you love after a fight.
Me: Nat stop! She….I…it was all my fault and I won't be surprised if she doesn't come back.
Nat: Don't say that Wanda. She will come back to you. What happened?
Me: A lot. Too much to say over the phone.
Nat: Where are you?
Me: At Y/n's house. Why?
Nat: I will be there as soon as I can.
Me: Nat I can't ask you to leave work.
Nat: You're not asking and it isn't up for debate. Send me the address and I will be there.
Me: Okay. I really screwed up Nat.
My voice barely above a whisper but I know Nat heard it because she lets out a small breath before speaking.
Nat: We all screw up Wanda.
Me: I don't know how to fix it.
Nat: We will figure it out together. Now send me the address I will see you soon.
Me: See you soon. Love you sis.
Nat: I love you too sis.
As we hang up, I choke out a sob. I don't want her to pity me and take my side like she did on the phone. She may be my best friend, more like a sister, but I can't have her pitying me. I need her to call me out on my shit, tell me what I should do.
Then there's Y/n who I am worrying about, she hasn't texted me since this morning and it's scaring me. I don't know if she's safe, I don't know that she is okay, I don't even know where she is. However, I can't bombarded her with calls and messages because that's wrong, and she needs the space.
I can't lose her.
What if I'm too late and she is already gone?
I shake the thoughts out of my mind, but they remain lingering at the back like a slow torment. A storm is brewing in the deepest parts of my mind and I don't know how to protect myself from it.
To stop myself from falling into the rabbit hole of what ifs I pull myself out of bed. The same bed I had woken up in this morning alone, before taking the boys to school. The same bed that just doesn't feel safe and comforting without her next to me.
I shuffle along the carpeted floor to the small wardrobe in the room hoping there is something of Y/n's in there. To my relief there is a hoodie of hers in there, the only reason I know it's hers is because it smells like her. I don't wait another minute before putting it on, pulling the strings in the hood tightly so it tightens against my face. I put my sweatpants on then I put some fuzzy socks on. I bury my hands in the big open pocket at the front of the hoodie before making my way downstairs.
I start to make myself a cup of tea, not really fancying anything with high levels of caffeine in it. As the kettle starts to boil the water, I am pulled away from my tea making preparations by the doorbell. I look at the time on my phone, only 30 minutes has passed since the phone call with Nat. Wow she must have rushed here.
I make my way out of the kitchen to the front door, looking through the peephole to make sure it is actually Natasha. I sigh as I lean my forehead against the door, she looks worried. And take a deep breath before opening the door giving her a small smile.
"Hey." I pull the door open further, sliding out of the way to allow Nat in. Once the door closes she pulls me into a hug, leaning up to whisper in my ear.
"You're okay." I know it was her trying to be reassuring and it really didn't help, I buried my head into her neck as I shake my head.
"No, no I'm not. Neither is she. I fucked up Nat. So fucking badly. I don't know how to fix it."
"Let's make a drink and we can talk." I nod into her neck, letting go of my hold on her smiling when her hands move to wipe my tears.
"The kettles should be done. What are you drinking?" I usher Nat to follow me into the kitchen, her eyes bulging when she sees how big it is.
"I will take a tea please." She spins a full circle on her heels to take the whole room in. "It's a beautiful place you've got yourself here."
"Uhm, it's not ours. We aren't living together. This is her place. Her and Sarah's place."
"Well that's something." I hum not really hearing Nat's words but once they register I hand her her now made tea with a questioning look.
"I just mean, you must mean a lot to her if she trusts you enough to show you this place. It's a constant reminder of the life she had planned, yet she has let you in. Let you see it for what it is. It's intimate really, with it being so personal and special to her."
"I sleep in the guest bedroom." Nat raises an eyebrow at me, I'm not quite sure what look she is giving me is.
"What did you sleep in the guest bedroom last night?"
"And last week."
"Did she sleep with you though? Last week I mean."
"Yeah."
"Well I would do the same."
"Do the same? What do you mean?" I lean against the counter opposite Nat who is sitting at one of the island's many chairs.
"So I've said that she trusts you enough to show her into their home. Correct?"
"Yes."
"But she won't let you sleep in the master bedroom. Correct?"
"Also yes. Nat what are you trying to get at?"
"She's not ready."
"Not ready for what?"
"Come know Wanda. I can't tell you all the answers, this is something you need to figure out. I'm just here to push you in the right direction." She takes a sip of her drink before sighing and looking up with sad eyes.
"She has let you into her home. Her and Sarah's home. Meaning at one point or the other her and Sarah lived here. Planned to have a family here together."
"Yes I know that."
"Wanda your being stupid. Really think about it. Who would have slept in the master bedroom." My heart drops through my ass.
"Her and Sarah." My voice barely a whisper. This is not why I asked Nat to come over, but I'm starting to see some things about me that I'm not liking.
"Exactly. Her and Sarah. Her and her wife. She isn't ready to have someone else in that bed. Let alone someone who I think she feels is replacing Sarah."
"I don't want to replace Sarah. I could never be Sarah."
"Have you told her that?"
"I've told her she can talk about Sarah and Evie whenever she wants, that I'm always there for her."
"Wanda you're not getting it."
"Well you are not making any sense!" I slam my hand against the counter, frustrated more at myself for not being able to see what's right in front of me.
"Have you told her that you know you could never replace Sarah? That you don't want to replace Sarah! Have you asked her how she feels about you being in their home?"
"No." I look down into my cup and my half drunk tea as I bite at my lip.
"Wanda I know that you struggle with feelings. I know you struggle to have those big conversations. I know you struggle with what to say sometimes not wanting to hurt yourself, or anyone else in the process. But Y/n is different. She has been through so much in such a short amount of time. Her life went from one hell to another and another over and over again."
I bite my lip trying to get the tears to stop falling as I listen to Nat.
"She may not admit it Wanda, and maybe you just don't want to see it. But she is so much more broken then any of you would like to admit to the other. It's not just about the panic attacks, the PTSD or the dead wife Wanda. It's about everything that happened before, during and after that. She may say she is fine, but Wanda, she is struggling so much."
"How could I not see it?"
"Because she didn't want you to, and you wanted to avoid having to talk. Really talk. You have both gone through your fair share of trauma, her more so than you but it does not invalidate that you went through shit to. Your shit has affected you in ways that cause you to build wall after wall that get harder to break down each time. Your trauma Wanda, is something that is holding you back from who you want to be when you're with her."
"I don't want us to end."
"Then don't let it. She doesn't want it to end either I'm sure of it. You both have very different ways of dealing with things. But you need to put everything on the table, you need to make the first move. You may trust each other but until you both talk about how you move forward. Well then there is no safety net around you, trust without safety is like bungee jumping with a bit of string and hoping that it doesn't snap. You have to be ready to sacrifice a few of your walls, allow her to knock them down for you to be mentally in the right place to be in a relationship."
"You don't think I'm ready for something new? Nat we have been together nearly two months, we have said we love you to one another."
"Did you mean it when you said it? Or was it an in the moment thing that you let slip?"
"Of course I mean it. I mean it every time I say it. I want her to know how much I love her everyday." I don't hesitate to argue back.
"Good because if she loves you the way I think she does, it would break her to know you don't mean your words. Saying that, if your love matches hers then you will be able to get through this. Together. You need each other to help you through. You need to look after each while also looking after yourself. Have you been to therapy recently?"
"No, not for a few months."
"Well that's where you need to start. You need to speak to someone who is impartial to the situation, help them untangle the mess of wires in your brain that have been tangled for so long. You can't rely on just one person to do that for you. Y/n isn't a trained professional, she struggles to get her own brain to switch off let alone switch it off long enough to help switch yours off."
"She always seemed so at ease and she talks to me so easily. I don't know why I can't do the same."
"She wears a mask Wanda, her smiles are fake, her laughter is not filled with joy as it should be." I bow my head realising now just how much I don't see. "But when she is with you it is all genuine. Wanda you are good for her just as she is good for you. Fight for her, but don't push her."
"Why can't I just open up. Talk to her. It would have made everything so much easier on the both of us."
"Wanda, she may wear a mask, hide how she is feeling. But you have built so many walls in the years of being with Vision that I think you don't even know how to start breaking them down yourself. That's why you need to go back to therapy, you need to be able to regain control of your mind before you commit yourself to helping Y/n. And she needs to do the same. And as for speaking with Y/n, start with small things. It doesn't have to be anything big. Her aim and my aim, our priority is making sure you are comfortable with who you are in your own skin. So start with the small things. Talk about how Vision always got you to do things you didn't want to do using the 'your my wife' card. Or how you are scared of bees yet they fascinate you so much you grow flowers just to see them pollinate."
"Start with the small things?"
"Exactly."
"How am I meant to start with the small things when we have so much to talk about today?"
"Wanda, what did you actually say to her yesterday?" I stay quiet, shaking my head, fiddling with my rings. "Wanda."
"Yeah?"
"What exactly did you say to Y/n that caused her to spend the night elsewhere?"
"I said she didn't know what it was like to be a mother."
"Wanda." My stomach drops when I hear and see the disappointment on Nat's face.
"I know okay. It was a disgusting thing to say. And I can't take it back because I've said it now."
"Why did you say it?" Nat's tone is scarily calm, it's making me uncomfortable.
"I don't know."
"Well you must have some sort of idea otherwise you wouldn't have said it."
"I said I don't know, okay! I have no fucking clue! I have never even thought those words would ever leave my lips, I have never even thought about them. So I don't know why I would!"
"Well I don't know how to help you with this one if you want even admit it to yourself."
"Admit what?"
"I don't know because you won't tell me."
"Because I don't know myself Natasha! It's all so fucked up in here that I can't possibly think for long enough to try and get to the bottom of it."
"Well you need to figure it out because the excuse 'I don't know' doesn't fly with me and I'm pretty sure it won't fly with Y/n either. She has been nothing but kind, caring and welcoming to you and those boys, and you have practically chucked it in her face. You forgot about her past Wanda. It may have been for a split second, but you forgot and you said those words. I don't know how you will fix this if you can't admit to yourself why you said it. It's unforgivable Wanda."
"I know that. She hasn't forgiven me, in fact I don't want her to forgive me. I don't forgive me."
"You don't want her to forgive you. Or is that you don't want to have to open up so it's easier to let her hold this against you then letting her break down your walls."
"I…"
"Let me guess. I don't know."
"Look, it's difficult for me, okay! Vision was never there. My parents moved away as soon as me and Pietro started our lives at university. Pietro is currently in a fucking coma, and Vision wasn't there for me! He never was! He never cared for me, he never looked after me when I was sick, never took me on dates! He never loved me the way I loved him, I was just a housewife in his eyes! So I stopped caring too! I built up my walls then reinforced them because I had no one! No one! Then I get into this new thing with the most amazingly talented and funny girl I've ever met and he thinks he has a say in my life! He told me he would take the boys away from me if I stayed in such a sinful relationship, he threatened not only me and Y/n. He threatened his own sons! He told me he would take me to court to get them taken away from me, pleading the fact that having two women bring up boys is not right and is not stable for them because they will grow up to be feminine! I...he...he planted the seed."
I finally come to the realisation.
I take in a sharp breath taking a step back as I crumble to the cold tiled floor, sliding myself down the counter. I pull my knees to my chest as I breakdown in front of Nat, my sobs echoing around the room as I try to control them to no avail. I hear the stool screech against the floor before seeing Nat join me on the floor as she wraps her arms around my body pulling me against her chest.
"I've got you. You're okay Wanda, I have you." I grip onto her shirt, my knuckles turning white with the force. "That's what you have to explain to her, okay."
"Hmm?"
"Tell her what you just told me. She will understand Wanda, I know you're scared of allowing yourself to open up. But your relationship will burn to the ground if you're not open and honest with her about these things. So tell her what you just told me, okay?"
"Okay." I mumble into her shirt as I try to slow down my breathing.
"Now I'm mad at you for hurting her, I'm mad at her for leaving you last night but I think we both understand why. But I am livid at Vision, he is still causing you harm even after two years apart. You need to find a way to regain control of your life, don't let his words play on your mind for so long. You need to break down those walls you've built but build a protective barrier to protect yourself from Vision. He is a manipulative fucker who, if he steps out of line one more time, is going to have to deal with an angry Russian."
"I need to walk to Y/n."
"You do. Where is she right now?" I shrug. "You don't know?"
"No. She still hasn't texted me. I'm worried Nat, what if something happened."
"I'm sure she is fine Wanda."
"How can you know?"
"Because I have seen how much she loves you and love like that you don't let go. She will always find her way back to you."
"Thank you Nat."
"What for?"
"Being the voice of reason and actually calling me out for my shit. No one has done it since Pietro, so I always just shrugged it off and pretended like it didn't exist."
"I will always call you out on your shit for however long you need me to. I am friends with both you and Y/n, you are a sister to me Wanda. I don't want either of you to get hurt, so if it means having a go at you or her then I will do so happily. Just don't bombarded her when she comes in, I think it's a tough day for her."
"What do you mean?"
"Uh, nothing." She tries to brush it off by standing up and preparing to make a new set of drinks, but I'm quick to my feet as I look at her.
"No Nat, what do you know that I don't?" She huffs out a breath and bows her head.
"Do you remember the first time me and the girls met Y/n?"
"Of course I do."
"Do you remember me saying I recognised her from somewhere?"
"Yeah she suggested that it was where she would visit Stark Tower but you said it was something else."
"Well I know where I've seen her before."
"Where?"
"It was an article back in 2017. It was titled. Sarah Stark marries a mystery woman. And there was a paparazzi photo of a brunette in a wedding dress leaving a venue with her arm wrapped through Y/n's arm."
"Okay, why is that important?" I ask, highly confused about where this is going.
"Because the date of the wedding was the 18th of October 2017."
"What's the date today?" My bottom lip quivering when, not wanting to believeI hurt her at the worst possible I could have ever possibly done.
"It's the 18th."
"It's their anniversary?"
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Word Count: 4328
I've got you some tissues 🧻🧻🧻
And a bed for a nap 🛏
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