I must have fallen asleep at some point because the next thing I know Wanda is gently shaking me awake; and I am met by the most beautiful smile and green eyes. Our position on the bed also swapped around at some point, I am now laying on my side with my head on Wanda's chest as her hand plays with my hair. I look up at Wanda with confusion at the change in position.
"You kept moving about in your sleep dorogoy, so I moved us around so I could hold you better. It seemed to help you sleep peacefully." Her hand continues to smooth out my hair as her voice is soft like music to my ears.
"Well even though I prefer to be the big spoon, this is a nice sight to wake up to. And you're very comfortable. Thank you princess."
"You don't have to thank me baby, I love you and I love taking care of you." I tilt my head back so I am looking directly in her eyes.
"No I do. I have a lot to thank you for. Especially for not running away when you found out the truth." I remember how mad and upset she got and it hurts me to know I caused it.
"Well we are past that now. I Know the truth so please don't allow what happened to hurt you. It was all one big misunderstanding."
"Misunderstanding is an understatement." I hear Wanda huff out a laugh. "Do you forgive me?" Wanda's brows furrow in confusion.
"Baby you have done nothing that needs my forgiveness, but if it will help put your mind at rest then yes I forgive you for it all." She leans down to kiss my forehead.
"I love you so much. Thank you for staying."
"There's nowhere else I would rather be." I look at the clock and realise the time.
"Wait, where are the twins?"
"Sharon and Yelena picked them up. Taking them bowling or something." I pout at the thought of Wanda not being with her boys.
"I'm sorry."
"What are you saying sorry for? You've done nothing wrong."
"I caused you hurt when you thought I was married. Then I caused you panic when I had flashbacks and now I am taking you away from time you could be spending with your boys."
Wanda moves from beneath me and I almost whine at the loss of contact. I was comfortable. She presses the button that makes the head of the bed fold up to a sitting position and she pushes herself back against it sitting criss-cross applesauce. She looks down at me patting the space in front of her, following her silent instruction I move myself so I am sat in front of her. My hands in my lap, as my fingers of one hand pull at the fingers of my other hand.
"Dorogoy, I need you to look at me when I say this. I need you to hear it, listen to it, take it in. I need you to hear what I'm about to say. So please can you look at me, just one more time?"
I let out a shaky breath as I move my head upwards so I can look into her eyes, a small smile graces her lips, her nose scrunching and I fawn over the sight. Her hands move into mine, grabbing onto them and placing them on my calves as she holds them.
"Everything you just apologised for you have no control over. Now before you say 'I could have told you about Sarah' no, no you couldn't. And that's because your brain was conditioned not to by her, and your brain and your body still react to things in a way because of her. So not telling me you were married is more her fault than anyone else's. Your flashbacks are completely and utterly out of anyone's control. I know that you have therapy for a reason, and that it has probably helped but baby PTSD will always be with you. Now I want to learn what I can do to make sure I don't trigger you into an episode like today. I want to be able to look after you and care for you but I also need to know how to not put you in a situation where you need to be cared for and to be looked after. If that makes any sense at all. Finally, I chose not to pick the boys up. They are 14 years old, and very very smart. Sometimes too smart for their own good. I didn't tell them what happened or anything like that, I just said I have to be with you right now and all they said in return was 'go be with her'. That was a decision we made together for you. So please, and hear me when I say this. Please stop apologising for things that you cannot control. I know you felt guilty but you have to find a way to let it go because I am not mad, or angry or frustrated with you. I love you so fucking much Y/n, you hear me, so much. So please stop apologising."
I know I have tears in my eyes because my vision is now very blurry, my bottom lip is quivering and even though my breathing is steady it is shaky. Wanda removes one of her hands from mine to use the pad of her thumb to wipe at the bottom of my eyes to help the tears to fall. When I blink away the rest, Wanda's hand moves to cup my cheek wiping some of the tears from my skin. She has what seems to be a proud smile on her face, it's not big and wide it's subtle and her eyes have this extra emotion I can't quite read.
"I hear you." It's the first words to leave my mouth and she presses her lips together still smiling slightly as she looks at me like I am the most precious thing in the universe.
"Do you believe me when I say those words?" I hesitate for just a second, but Wanda allows me to take that moment's hesitation to recollect my feelings and thoughts and there is only one word that I can see floating around in my own head.
"Yes."
A knock at the door brings us out of our little bubble, my head turns to look through the small pane of glass to see who it was. Natasha is on the other side, with a guilty look on her face. Why is she guilty? When our eyes meet through the glass I smile at her waving for her to come inside but her expression doesn't change. The door opens and closes slowly, Natasha's head bowed to look at her hands as they fiddle with the ends of her sleeves. I look back at Wanda with confusion written on my face, but all she does is give me a small smile and shuffle to the left side of the bed so I can join her in sitting up against it.
Natasha stays standing by the door, I think her eyes are red and puffy but it's hard to tell when she isn't actually looking at me. I feel Wanda's hand come to rest on the back of my neck as she plays with the baby hairs, also remaining silent.
"I'm sorry." The words leave Natasha's lips with a sigh, my brows furrow as I tilt my head in question but her eyes stay trained to the ground.
"Is the floor really more interesting than me?" Natasha huffs out a laugh as she brings her head up but her eyes don't follow her movements. "Natasha...Nat...what's wrong? Why are you apologising to me?"
"I scared you." My face scrunches in complete confusion turning to Wanda to see if she knows, but she simply nods her head towards Natasha telling me it's between me and her. Great guess I have to figure this one out.
"How did you scare me?" I ask gently, my voice level so she knows I have no anger towards her.
"You flinched." Another sigh escapes her lips. "Twice actually. Both times because of me."
"That wasn't on you Natasha. You did nothing wrong. It's my fucked up brain that reacted." I tap my head a couple of times to get my point across, but before Natasha can say anything we are interrupted.
"Okay I was going to let you talk it out but your brain is not fucked up, it has been fucked with and now you are dealing with it. There is a difference." Wanda glares at me, hating how I talk about myself.
"What do you mean it's been fucked with?" Natasha is now looking at me, the guilt look almost gone and replaced with worry. Meanwhile my eyes dart between Natasha and Wanda.
"You...you didn't tell her?" My mouth agape with shock.
"It's not my story to tell. I did tell her not to come barging in here and to try and keep her movements not so...aggressive I guess." I'm speechless, blinking back a few tears. I don't know why I am getting emotional. "Baby, do you want me to give you some time with Natasha?"
"Do you mind?" I can't comprehend how Wanda knows what I need, but also has so much care about her that she doesn't tell her best friend all my dirty little secrets, the skeletons in my closet if you will, the moment she can. She didn't tell Natasha. She really cares, I mean I knew that but she actually truly cares about my feelings. My emotions. My fucked up brain, no, my trauma. And I trust her with my life with that information. I'm brought out of my thoughts by a kiss on my cheek.
"Of course not dorogoy, Natasha can come and get me when you're done." Natasha simply nods as Wanda walks past, but not before enveloping her best friend in a hug and whispering something in her ear that makes her visibly relax. Once Wanda closes the door behind her, Natasha looks up at me pointing to the end of the bed.
"Can I sit?" She is apprehensive, she seems nervous of every little move she makes.
"You don't have to ask." I pat the space in front of me, and she slowly makes her way onto the bed. Her movements are slow and calculated. "You don't have to move so slowly Natasha, you won't hurt me."
"But I did."
"No you didn't. Steph hurt me." The words flew out of my mouth before I could stop them, Natashas movements stop as she looks up at me. "Sorry that just came out."
"Is it true?" Natasha is now sitting criss-cross applesauce in front of me, like me and Wanda before, her head tilted slightly but a relaxed smile on her face.
"Has Wanda told you anything?"
"Only that your ex's actions have caused a lot of reactions. I know about the panic attack, and how you got the black eye but not why on both accounts." I hum in acknowledgement taking in the small bit of information. "I know trust can be a hard thing to give, I get it I do, but Wanda doesn't tell us anything that we don't need to know. I trust her with all I have and she has never let me down."
"I trust her. That's why I told her these things. Apart from the I used to be married part, but she told me it was because of what Steph did. Something I became conditioned to."
"Do you believe that? Because from the sounds of it she is right."
"I do mostly. I'm working on it."
"Is there anything I can do to help?"
"Just be there for Wanda when she needs you." She furrows her brows.
"No I meant for you Y/n. What can I do for you? What actions of mine today caused you to flinch? What can I do as a person to try and stop myself from causing whatever I caused?" Natasha frowns at the thought.
"You didn't cause anything."
"Y/n you ended up in hospital after flinching at me, how did I not cause this."
"I have PTSD Nat. No one could have done anything. It was a massive flashback that I truly didn't realise was a flashback till I woke up in hospital. PTSD works in wonderful ways like that."
"Okay so you have PTSD. Is there anything else I need to know?" Her voice remains calm.
"I'm in therapy, wait Wanda told you that. Just that the quick movements you jerking your arm like you did where it left my peripheral vision, and the quick bending down. That's what caused me to flinch but it didn't cause anything else before you ask."
"Is this what Wanda means by your brain is condition to those sort of reactions?"
"Steph wasn't the best when it came to my PTSD."
"Steph is not sounding the best here Y/n."
"She wasn't." I bow my head at my confession.
"Why did you stay with her?"
"It's not like I had a choice!" I scoff, scowling at Natasha, before completely hating what I said and shooting her an apologetic look. "Sorry, I just mean I had just got to a place where I thought I could date again after losing Sarah, and there was Steph. She seemed so perfect and so ready to help me back to a place I once was. She started out patient and kind, but it soon turned into controlling and, uhm, yeah. Anyway, I was only with her for like 6, maybe 8 months."
"That's long enough Y/n. She used your trauma against you. If I ever see her she is going to have to deal with a very angry russian on a warpath." Natasha seethes and I feel the anger radiating off her body.
"And an angry Sokovian." Me and Natasha both laugh as we think about what Wanda would do to Steph if they ever met. Natasha seems to realise something as she looks up at me.
"You trust and love Wanda, but you still have that fear that she is going to turn on you like Steph did. Don't you?" I open and close my mouth to try and tell her no, I know Wanda wouldn't do that but I don't know that because we have only known each other a month.
"I wish I didn't." Is what I say instead.
"Y/n. I've known Wanda for years and never once as she ever used my shit, my deep dark secrets against me not once. So take it from me when I say Wanda is not going to hurt you like Steph did. Wanda loves you. Like full on, in this forever love and I truly believe that. The love Steph had for you was not love Y/n it was pure and utter manipulation and an abuse of power. Wanda doesn't have an abusive bone in her body. She would never use your shit to get what she wants."
"I want to be 100% fully committed in this, I mean I am, I just mean my brain needs to catch up with my heart."
"Is there anything she can do to speed that process up at all?"
"Yeah." I let out with a huff of air as the one thing that I would never ask of her but know needs to be done because Steph never did.
"What is it?"
"For her to meet Sarah."
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Word count: 2622
Not the biggest fan of this chapter but I needed a filler chapter so here it is.