The Fourth Notebook

70

Cody POV
1-24-15
I feel so numb.
It's like there is an empty whole in my heart.
I can't live without her. It sounds pathetic, but it's true.
I won't live without her.
I get up an walk quietly down the back hallway. I pass by a clock. It reads one A.M. Six hours since Grace died. It feels so fresh in my mind but still eternities ago.
Down the stairs and across the lobby.
Outside the front entrance is a young man with a very pregnant wife getting out of their car. I rush up to them.
"I can take your car to the parking lot. Valet will have your keys."
"Really? There's valet? Okay, thank you so much!" He answers as he takes his wife inside the hospital.
I sit inside the driver seat of his car.
I don't have a license but I had been able to drive since I was thirteen.
I put the car into drive and pull out into the main street.
I pass by the restaurant where I took Grace.
I pass by the park where Grace and I jogged.
Everything I see reminds me of her.
I speed up to get away from all of this.
I find myself parked in the small lot next to the bridge.
What were they thinking when they made this? This isn't San Francisco. Nobody wants to take a picture in front of this boring bridge or the plain river that is under it. San Francisco.
It pains me again. Grace wanted to go to San Francisco.
"Cody? Do you love me?" She says.
"Grace what kind of a question is that? I love you until the end of time. And when time ends I will still be hopelessly in love with you."
The memory makes me feel worse.
I can't go on living like this. It's pathetic.
I drive the car extremely close to the cliff. I see the dark water below. I am scared.
Then I start hearing voices again but this time it's not James or Grace.
"Come on Cody! It's not that far down!"
"Mommy! I'm scared."
"Be brave, baby! I know you can do it."
I put the car into park.
This would have never happened if my mother would have kept me. But then if would never have met Grace. I need Grace. I won't live without her.
"Okay, Grace, I'm coming."
I put the car into drive and speed off the cliff.
It was too easy.
I hit the water hard and spikes of pain shoot up my leg.
"Ah," I yell.
It was definitely broken. Do I dare to check?
I slowly lift up my blood stained sweats.
I could see the bone peeking out.
No matter now, the car was filling up with water as it came to rest at the bottom of the river.
I leaned back in my chair.
The water creeped up to my nose.
I was relaxed, peaceful even, because for the first time in a long time, I finally felt like I could breathe.