Wonderful | wicked | book 2/3

Nessa

Everyone else had gone into the staff room and left me with Dr Dillamond.
This just feels odd.
"You know" he says, smiling "the room hasn't changed since you lived here"
The room?
My bedroom!
"Really, would it be okay if I went and looked in it?" I ask politely,
Dr Dillamond stands up extravagantly,
"I would be more than happy, I've got something in there that I'd like to show you."
I follow him through the hallway in the office and into the bedroom that I once called home.
"See that cardboard box on the bed,"
I nod
"Open it, I found some of yours and your sisters things and I kept them in your memory"

I push myself over to the box and lift it onto my lap, carefully I remove the lid.
I immediately recognise the contents.
"My leg braces" I laugh uneasily, looking at them makes me cringe, I hate them so much.
I rustle around in the box further,
And pulls out elphabas pictures, the ones missing from the wall at home.
Shockingly they are all of me.
Me and father.
Me on my own.
Me and her.
I try to spread the images out like a fan so I could look at them all, but I end up dropping them carelessly onto the floor.
They scatter about the floorboards.
I cry out in defeat.
"I'm so sorry, I... I can't pick them up" I say, my lip quivering, I'm on the edge of bursting into tears.
Why do I have to be such a liability all the time.
I place the box back onto the bed and watch Dr Dillamond crawl onto the floor and pick up the photos and place them into the box.
"No worries at all," he says sweetly,
I breath a heavy sigh of relief.

I've always saw a school as this magical place, I built myself up for it when I was a kid, I kept on building until my expectations reached the clouds.
And you know what?
Nothing was ever going to be good enough for me.
Nothing ever is, no one is ever fully happy, perhaps that's what Madame Morrible ment when she said that I wouldn't be happy in the end.
"Where did you go?" Dr Dillamond asks confusingly.
"I don't follow," I mumble trying not to look like an idiot.
"You look lost, so where did you go?"
Oh, I smile, it's only a small one but at least it's real.
"Just thinking about this place,"
Dr Dillamond goes and sits over onto the bed,
"You know Nessa, I've only really ever spoken to you today and I think your as incredible as your sister"
For the first time ever I'm taking that as a compliment, Elphaba is the most inspiring person I've ever met.
"I think your destined to be a leader,"
Oh god, no.
"Dr Dillamond with all due respect, I'm really not cut out..."
he waves his hand and I stop talking immediately, father always used to do that to Elphaba, admittedly it was always followed by shouting but I feel as though trying to argue with Dr Dillamond is a fruitless task.
"I just don't think you were given the right people to lead," Dr Dillamond says, "how would you feel about working with me?"
With him?
"I really don't think you'd want that," I say frantically, "I'm not the best at anything"
"Nonsense" Dr Dillamond says stubbornly "I think you would do great, and perhaps one day you could take over for me and I'll work as your deputy head" he says clasping his hands together exitedly.
I don't know what to say, it's all happening so fast.
"You have Empathy and a great heart and you will do what is best for the students here at Shiz" Dr Dillamond says "just try it for a day and see what you think, no harm in that."

I'm convinced, maybe I'm not just a liability after all, perhaps I can do something meaningful.
But I can't, I can't stay anywhere without somebody with me.
"Dr Dillamond, I can't really do anything without someone helping me," I mutter.
Dr Dillamond smiles cheerfully and leans in gently.
"Well that's fine, I'll be here to guide you,"
That's not what I meant, I can't go to bed without someone with me, I can't sit on the sofa, I can't even use the toilet on my own.
A fact that I've been so ashamed of that only a handful of people are allowed to take me near a bathroom.
It's not just that, that I'm ashamed of.
I'm ashamed of me, the way that I was born, and the worst part is that when Elphaba made it so that I could walk I still felt incomplete.
The thing about myself that I loathe so much is the only thing that I truly recognise.
"I mean this respectfully sir, but I can't do much."
Dr Dillamond catches on to what I'm talking about, he slams his hands down onto the thighs, and stands up excitedly.
"Well then, I can allow your sister to stay with you for now and if you choose to stay here, I will allocate you a personal assistant" he says triumphantly.
I look at him in awe,
Could this be the opportunity I've been waiting for?

After a while of contemplation, I look Dr Dillamond straight in the eyes, his face is kind and gentle, but his features are old and sunken in.
"Professor, I mean this with the upmost respect, but since you like Elphaba so much, why didn't you ask her about the job?"
I immediately regret my query, I must sound so ungrateful.
I just wish that Elphaba was here, to speak for me.
I hate the fact that I always start to cry at stupid times, it just makes me seem childish when I'm really not.
I just have a lot of feelings and don't know what to do with them.