Under My Skin

Pushed

I spent another two hours in that room, before Adelaide cleared me to see him.

She walked me down to the PACU. I couldn't stop looking around, the whole time. I haven't seen anything like this in years.
Did you know that people are allowed to have cell phones in hospitals, now? I didn't.
And in a way, it was the perfect building for me to be currently stuck in. Everything's white. And clean. It's calming.

Connor's room in the PACU was hardly that. Just a bed and a curtain. But it was enough privacy for me. All I wanted was to see him. To hold him, feel him and know that he was okay. I needed to know that he was okay.

I held my breath as I followed Adelaide into Connor's little room. I was terrified. I was terrified that I would walk in, and he wouldn't look the same. He wouldn't be okay. I don't want that, I don't want anything bad to happen to him. I can't handle anything bad happening to him.

He looked up from his lap, where he was picking his nails.

"....What the fuck?" He froze, a smile widening across his face

"...Hi." I smiled back nervously, sitting down in the plastic folding chair provided next to his bed

"..I'm fucking hallucinating, aren't I?" He giggled

"Unfortunately not.. this is real.."

"...oh, baby!" He gushed, weakly reaching out for my hand, still loopy from the medication.

He looked horrible. A drainage tube from his side, dark circles under his eyes. But he was alive he was safe. He was okay. His hands were warm. Limp, but warm. His hands are always warm.

It goes without saying that my last experience in a hospital was all but kind to me. I never thought I'd see one of these ever again. I never wanted to. But it's almost cathartic. To be here, and not be in such pain. To not feel like my entire world is ending. It feels almost.. healing.

"How the hell did you even get here!?" His eyes were wide, but filled with happiness.

"I-I ran.. apparently.. I don't remember a moment of it..."

"..I am so fucking proud of you, Baby"

"There's.. nothing to be proud of. I blacked out, completely.. I couldn't control myself.."

"Hell no, don't you dare try to be 'hummle' about this!!"

"..hummle?"

"Humble! Fuck- whatever- I'm proud of you! You should be proud of yourself!! It's been four years since you've left the house, this is big!! You're big!!"

"...huh?"

"You're big! This is big!! Awh, come're, give me a kiss!!"

"This is my cue to leave.." Adelaide said, exiting the room, giving me some privacy to kiss him.

His lips tasted like absolutely nothing, this time. Not quite like himself. But I was just so happy to kiss him again, I couldn't have cared less. He was okay.

"Mmh, you're amazing.." he mumbled against my lips

"I don't think.."