Under My Skin

Cracks In Stone

I woke up on my couch, the neighbor sat beside me on the floor. It hurt to open my eyes.

"...Mr. Price, you're awake! Oh, good, that's good.." Connor jumped up

"What's going on..?"

"I called the fire department, they took care of it.."

"Took care of.. of what?

".. You had a carbon monoxide leak in the house... I had to drag you out onto the porch, you don't remember that?"

"...You made me go outside?"

"Only until they fixed it and aired out the place..do you not remember any of this?"

"No... Connor, I'm confused.."

"...You were having a panic attack, you wouldn't leave the building.. you were hitting me and-and screaming, you didn't want to go outside, you were afraid.. when I got you out there, you passed out."

"...why would you take me outside, y-you know I can't go outside!"

"You couldn't stay in the house, there was a carbon monoxide leak!"

"I can't go outside... I-I need to shower, I need to shower right now, it's still on me!" I forced myself upright, but Connor put his hand over my chest to prevent me from moving further

"...Don't touch me, you're not supposed to touch me!"

"I'm sorry! I'm so sorry.. look, you can't be taking a shower right now, you can't be up and around... here, I brought you a water bottle from the fridge, it should help.. there's no way you're not dehydrated right now."

"..What's wrong with me?"

"Nothing's wrong with you.. You had an anxiety attack, a bad one..."

"I don't... why don't I-I remember it..?"

"Severe panic attacks can cause gaps in memory.. this confusion, it's probably just temporary"

"am I... am I going to be... okay?"

"You're going to be fine! I promise you, you'll be alright... look, just try to stay calm, if you panic, we'll have to call in doctors and they'll have to sedate you, and- you're already frightened, I don't want you to have to do that, they'll have to touch you.. they might even make you go to the office, so what's important for you right now is to just keep yourself calm, okay? What.. What do you usually do to calm yourself down?"

It was like he was speaking faster than my brain was processing. Between every sentence exchanged was a momentary silence while I tried to catch up with what he was saying to me

"I-I... I listen to music.."

"I can do that. I think you still have your record in there" he stood to start the record player, but with a weak hand, I grabbed ahold of the freckled boy's wrist, squeezing as hard as I could to keep him there.

Connor stopped abruptly, in shock to have me willingly touching him.

"Hey... it's okay... what's the problem?"

"...Hold my hand." I whispered under my trembling breath

"..are you sure? You never-"

"Just hold my hand!" I shouted back with panic in my impatient voice

Without a second thought, Connor clutched my hand. I squeezed my eyes shut with a sigh of relief.

"..are you sure?" He whispered again

I didn't speak, my palms sweaty. Even still, in all my fright, I couldn't help but notice how perfectly Connor's hand fit in mine. It was soothing. Calming, almost.