Under My Skin

Something Changed

Snow fell outside my window at a rapid pace. It coated the ground. Every tree, car, house and road was covered in the fresh morning snow. It was still, outside. The falling snow was the only movement on the block. It was calm. Serene. Safe. Like all the danger in the world was trapped under the packed snow. And safety had returned. Under the renewing baptism of the snow, all was calm again.

My house was still freezing. I don't know what's taking them so long. Though, it does take a while for the mail to go through, especially this time of year. Though, it's not like I use my heater much, anyway. I don't really like to turn it on, I'm afraid of a gas leak or something.

It'll be better, when Connor comes. He doesn't have class today, and he's going to bring one of those portable battery-powered heaters. We're going to cuddle up under some blankets and maybe play some board games. I've been teaching him to play chess. He's terrible. He can't remember a damn thing I tell him.
You'd think the overachieving, grade-skipping medical prodigy could grasp the concept of chess, but he's just awful. It's fun.
And it doesn't hurt to feel like I understand even just one thing better than him.

I'm not somebody who's super insecure in my intelligence. I'm fairly intelligent, but nothing remarkable. And I'm perfectly okay with that. But it is nice, every now and again to feel smart. And it does make you feel smart to be the one teaching him something.

I watched him walk out his front door, trudging through the packed snow on his way to my house. He held his shoulders tight to his neck, keeping in a little extra warmth as he walked.
He's adorable.

I watched his breath blow out in the cold air, like a puff of smoke. His nose was already turning red in the cold by the time he arrived at my doorstep.
I waited for the fateful knock before opening, as to not make it seem like I was waiting for him. Even though I totally was.

"Connor! Come in! ...I missed you."

The powdery snow that dusted his vivid hair and lashes was quickly melting away, leaving only small water droplets, and The bright red cheeks, nose and ears that return at the slightest hint of cold.

"I missed you, too.. God, it's cold in here."

"Yeah.. the payment should arrive tomorrow."

"Here, take my sweater, you must be freezing." He removed his oversized wool cardigan, holding it out for me

"No, you're cold, too."

"Yeah, but I have a warm house to go back to.. take it. Please."

"...thank you." I sighed, putting it on

"Of course... you're sure I can't get you into my house?"

"You know that's not going to happen.."

"I know.. I had to ask.. how are things here?"

"The same old.. you?"

"Things are... fine."

"That doesn't sound very sure.. what's the matter?"

"It's nothing"

"It's not nothing.. I know a sad voice. It's what I sound like all the time, I know it well.."

"It's just.. some stuff back home"

"What sort of stuff..?"

"....my brother's getting worse."

"I-I'm so sorry.. worse how..?"

"The psychosis is.. worse than it has been, in the past.. it's a shame, I thought he was finally improving.. I thought he may be getting well enough to.. go out, start to live his life.. I think it's just time to accept that he may never reach that level of functionality.. I just had so much hope for him, so many people like him are able to find something that works for them, they're able to move out and go to school and work, live on their own.. I thought he was going to be one of them."