Under My Skin

Can't Let You Go

Both Connor and my aunt watched as I picked apart the napkin in my hand, though one stare was far more judgmental than the other.

"So- So how was Parma, Auntie?" My voice cracked as I spoke

"It was fine. Beautiful town." She looked embarrassed just to be talking to me

I can't blame her. This was the second napkin I've shredded piece by piece just to keep my hands busy. I know I'm an embarrassment. That's nothing new for me to grapple with, she's made it fervently clear that I embarrass her, since I was a child. But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. It does. Even if I already know. Even if I'm used to being told.

I don't want to embarrass her, I've tried to change. I've tried to be more normal, I've tried to be.. less of an embarrassment. It just didn't work. She's still ashamed of me.

She tells her friends I died, you know. In that crash, with my parents. She tells them I died too. She doesn't want them to know the truth about me. How I'm an agoraphobic freak. I think she wishes that were the case. I think she wishes I had died that day. Then I wouldn't be here to embarrass her.

I know it sounds dramatic, but it's true. She's embarrassed of me. I know she'd rather I died with them. And she makes no attempt to hide that I'm a burden to her. Be it financially or just her day to day life, she doesn't try to hide it.

"So what's Kevin's other aunt like? He said he has two."

"Oh.. Carol.. she's fine."

"Just.. fine?" He chuckled

"She doesn't pull her weight with her responsibility to Kevin. She pays her part for his treatments and that's it, nothing else. I get that it's a hassle, I don't like it, either, but I still fulfill my responsibilities."

Connor watched the forced smile drop from my face. I knew she felt it, it's no secret, I just didn't think she'd have the audacity to say it in front of Connor.

He placed his hand over my knee underneath the table, doing what he could to console me without being seen doing so.

"Oh.... I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked-"

"No, it's true. She didn't take her responsibility."

"Well... I think it's her loss... Kevin's a wonderful boy.." he said, trying to get her to say something nice about me for once

"No... I understand it, I didn't want this either. Nobody wants to be stuck with this, but the difference is, I did it anyways."

"....I'm sorry, I think I need to use the restroom." I excused myself, voice breaking as I held back tears

I locked the bathroom door behind me, letting the tears escape. Still, I could hear them vaguely through the door.

"I... think he's wonderful to be around.. I love helping him out.."

"Well don't expect to love it for too long. I'll be brutally honest, here, it's exhausting. I didn't sign up to be Nurse Ratched, I didn't sign up to take care of the freaks. It's very noble of you to sacrifice that and be his friend, but you're going to get tired of it. Nobody wants to be the warden at the asylum."

"He's not crazy.. he has a lot of anxiety, that's it."

"If he wasn't crazy, he could go outside. He could stop throwing tantrums every time someone touches him. You don't have to lie to me. You're a sweet kid, but you don't have to pretend with me."

"....you know, he lets me touch him." He retorted, sounding agitated

"What do you mean?"

"He lets me touch him." He said again "He's comfortable with me. And Adelaide, she touches him too. He feels safe with us."