Under My Skin

Candor

It takes a big man to tell the truth. To admit that he needs help. And I am not that man.
It's not that easy for me. I can't tell you how badly I want to just keep up this lie. But she's already here. And sooner or later she's going to notice that none of the lights work.
I don't have a choice anymore.

"I'm really glad you're here.."

"I'm glad, too! I've missed you! I'm sorry it took so long, my hours have been crazy lately, but I'm going to make it up to you" she reached into her bag, pulling out about ten of those little black plastic meal containers "food doesn't make up for presence, but it's a start.. I know you have a hard time cooking for yourself.. thank you for being patient."

"No, of course.. it's okay, most nights, Connor brings dinner.."

"Good.. I know I've said it before, but I'm so glad you have him to take care of you when I can't.. I don't worry quite as much as I used to."

"He... He takes great care of me."

"Good. He's exactly what you needed, you know... so how are things with your aunt? Is she being any nicer?"

"Yeah.. that.. that's actually what I wanted to talk about.."

"Oh.. did she say something?"

"She.. said a lot of things."

"Like what?"

"Well.. the most predominant thing is that s-she found out I'm gay, disowned me and cut me off, but she also found a great new plastic surgeon in Malibu."

I thought throwing something extra in at the end would somehow detract from the bomb I just dropped on her. I don't know why I thought that.

"Wait, what?"

"Yeah, she got chin fillers, which I-I didn't know existed..."

"She cut you off?"

"Yes.. I-I couldn't afford the electric bill, I've been using candles as lights, eating crackers for every meal, and sleeping under like forty blankets j-just to stay warm... apparently chin fillers are popular now, I don't really know what it is, but she says-"

"Sweetie, can you please stop talking about your aunt's plastic surgery? What do you mean she cut you off? Entirely?"

"Yes. A-And let me tell you, Disability isn't enough to even pay bills, t-the entire system is screwed up."

"What about your doctor, is she at least still paying for him?"

"She said I'm not her nephew anymore, and now I have so little money the lights were shut off, I don't think she's sending money for my doctor, anymore."

"... I don't even know how to absorb all of this right now.. so she's not talking to you?"

"Nope.. and she's made it pretty clear that she never will again."

"Why?"

"She found out about Connor and I.."

"What, and that just gives her the right to drop you and let you starve?"

"Apparently.."

"..how long have you been living without power?

"Only a few days.. a week or so.."

"A week?  Kevin, why wouldn't you tell me this?"

She looked hurt, honestly. I never wanted to hurt her. I never wanted her to hear about any of this.

"..I'm embarrassed."

"Kevin.."

"Look, I-I've already gotten the whole 'nothing to be ashamed of' conversation, it isn't going to change anything, I'm still ashamed, and I'm going to be ashamed!"