Under My Skin

Heartbeats

I sat in the waiting room, leg bouncing at a rapid pace. I could hardly contain myself to wait any longer. The lights of the waiting room were buzzing loudly, driving me nearly crazy.

I felt a hand on my leg, urging me to stop my leg shaking.

"Relax.." Connor said softly, walking me through another deep breath

With a nod, I took his hand, popping a kiss just below his knuckles

"It's gonna be okay" he assured me

"I know.."

For once, I agreed. Everything was going to be okay. Nothing in the world could make this day bad. I don't think anything could make life bad ever again.

My heart stopped when the doctor came out to the lobby.

"He's ready" the doctor's words repeated in my ears like a broken record.

Connor turned to me, giving my hand one last squeeze, before walking me into the delivery room.

Before I could even get my bearings, they placed him in my arms, washed and wrapped in a blanket. My eyes were to the brim with tears. As this child looked up at me. His eyes were the exact same color of brown as mine.

"Connor.. Connor, that's my baby.." I said in disbelief, sniffling back tears

"That's your baby." He smiled, hand and head on my right shoulder, admiring the child

"That's my baby..." I let out a tearful laugh, looking back to him. He looked just as proud as I was. "Connor, look at him... he's absolutely perfect.."

"Just like his dad... are you ever going to let me get a chance to hold him?" He teased, reaching around my arm to touch the baby's cheek

"..Nope" I giggled, deliriously happy "I don't think I'll ever put him down.."

I woke, disappointed as I realized my reality. Connor's side of the bed was cold. It was only me. But the idea that one day, I can have what I've dreamt of, gets me through. It keeps me working.

I've been doing better. I've been working really hard. This morning, I made my list of chores for the day, out on the porch. It's not much, but it's better than the three seconds on the porch I usually spend while getting my groceries. It was freezing. I had to wear a coat. But I can't tell you how long it's been since I've felt the sun on my face, even through the side of a covered porch, the typical warmth of the sun, shrouded by the cold. I haven't felt the sun on my face in four years. Not unless it's through my kitchen window.

Don't get me wrong. Spending time on my porch didn't come without consequence. I was mentally exhausted by the time I came back in. I felt like I couldn't do anything but sit around. But I couldn't. I had a routine to go through. I had cleaning to do.

I washed the curtains, cleaned the couch, vacuumed the rugs, mopped the floors, dusted and wiped down every surface in the house. I cleaned all the dishes, did all my laundry, I even cleaned the heater. I got everything done even earlier than usual. It was a good day. It was a very good day.

My phone rang, pulling me from my final task of organizing the cupboard.

"Hello?" I pulled the phone from the base, near giddy

"Kevin.. hi.."

"Adelaide!! How are you?"

"I'm alright... Kevvy, how are you feeling?"

"I'm doing great!!"

"That's good.. Kevvy, I have something I need to tell you."

"..what is it?"

"...can you sit down?"

"...what's going on?"

"Can you sit down, Honey?"

"Adelaide, what's going on?"

"...I thought you should hear this from me."

"Hear what from you? Adelaide, what's going on?"

"...Connor was just brought into the hospital."