Under My Skin

Buttercup

I answered the door within three seconds of the knock

"Connor! I'm so glad you came!" I wrapped Connor in an awkward, but heartfelt hug

"Oh- I'm glad you invited me.." Connor chuckled, rubbing my back through my shirt

"That shirt looks wonderful on you... it really brings out your hair." I pulled back, eyeing the boldly-patterned shirt

"Thank you! I like it too... you've got a cut, are you alright? What did you get cut on?"

"Nothing, I- I started picking at my skin, I didn't realize until I was bleeding"

"What were you nervous about?"

"I'm always nervous.. introduce me to your friend."

"This is Christopher Thomas, he's my friend from-"

"School." Chris interjected and stuck out his hand to shake "I'm his friend from school"

"Oh- no, thank you.." I backed away from the extended hand

"He doesn't touch" Connor reminded

"Right... except for you."

"Except for me." Connor shot an evil eye at his friend

"I'm sorry, I know it seems rude, I just... I can't."

"No, not rude at all.. it's nice to meet you."

"You too.. I have um.. I have water, and tea, I have Green tea, peach tea, vitamin c tea, and iced tea... sparkling cider... I have water in bottles. You can drink that. Or pour whatever you want to drink in the bottle, it's just.. if you use a glass, you have to keep it, and some people feel weird about that, so.. do you want anything to drink?" I began to pick at the skin of my wrist again

"Bottled water's fine, thanks.."

"Okay.. Are you sure? You can use Connor's glass.. h-he has his own glass that he keeps here, he comes over every night, he always has cider, I was running out of glasses.."

"..Connor keeps a glass here?"  Chris raised an eyebrow

"Yeah.. you can use that one. If that's alright with Connor, of course.. Connor, is that alright?"

"Yeah, I can always bring another glass for myself."

"No, I'm fine with just water, thank you."

"Okay! Great! Um, Connor, what do you want to drink?" I gave a slight smile, making Connor mirror one back. Connor has a beautiful smile.

"..I'd love some more cider."

"Great.. I'll get your glass.. uh, you two can sit down anywhere you'd like... except my bed, that's my bed, you can't sit there"

"Deal" Chris made his way to the blue armchair in the corner of the living room

"Hey... you're picking" Connor laid a gentle hand to my forearm, just enough to draw my attention

"Oh.. shoot, sorry.."

"No, don't apologize, you're fine... just be careful, alright?"

"Yeah.. thank you... you're very sweet"

"I just care"

"Yeah, well not many people do, so... thank you" I gave a half-hearted smile, taking a bottle of water out of the fridge and handing it to Connor.

In that instant, Connor felt like he would've done anything to make that smile genuine.

"...I care. I care a lot... so... I'll bring this to Chris"

"Is he your...?"

"..No, oh, God, no. He's straight.. and fairly annoying" Connor chuckled

"Oh.. sorry, I just thought.."

"No, it's fine... I uh... I'm living out the bachelor's life that Steve said I would... Nobody wants this guy." He laughed nervously

"You shouldn't say that.."

"Why not? It's true.."

"It's not true."

"I... I'm afraid it is."

"It's not. Connor, I promise, it's not..." I reached out to touch him in consolation, before stopping myself

"..Well, I'll bring this to Chris." He gave the water bottle a quick shake in the air, before retreating to the living room.

With a silent sigh, I went back to my dinner. I felt guilt, not just outright saying it. But how could I? You can't just say 'Hey, guess what, I know you're my only friend, but if I weren't so deathly afraid of the exchange of bacteria, I'd kiss you!'
It'd be a lot simpler if you could. But I can't afford that, I can't afford to lose my only friend, I can't afford to put the best and only friendship I've ever had in jeopardy. Truthfully, I don't know what I'd do without Connor. I've made it four years on my own, but I don't want to anymore. I can't picture my life without that little smile showing up at my door every day.
In a situation like that, you can't afford to risk the loss of anything. Once they know, they'll never see you the same. I don't want to be seen differently anymore.

As much as it may make my lips ache to conceal the words, there's no other option.
So, I'm forced to just sit there and let my heart ache over the boy that's just out of my reach.

I took plates into the living room for all three. I took my usual seat on the far end of the sofa, Connor sitting just beside him.

"I'm sorry, I forgot to vacuum in between the cushions this morning, I've been a little distracted"

"Don't be. I've never vacuumed my couch cushions in my life."

"That's... truly horrifying"

"Thank you. Now press play, you're gonna love this movie."

So, I picked up the remote, started the movie and dug into my dinner.

The two of us got gradually closer through the movie, by the end, we were hardly an inch apart. Though, by the end, Connor had also fallen asleep, through the movie he supposedly loved.

"Connor.." I gently shook my neighbor's sleeping shoulder

Connor awoke with a sharp inhale, slowly lifting his head

"You fell asleep.."

"Oh... shit.." the ginger rubbed his tired eyes, forcing himself upright

"Maybe you should get home and get some sleep.."

"Mmm, I guess you're right.. where did Chris go?"

"He went back to his hotel.. he said something about Billy Mays, I don't know, it wasn't very sensical."

"..Billy Mays, huh?"

"Yeah.. does your friend do drugs?"

"...Nope. Nope, he's just an asshole...  I guess I should go." Connor stood up from the couch, taking a moment to stretch before walking to the kitchen, myself following awkwardly behind

"I uh.. I'm glad you came.. and you were right, I liked the movie.."

"I knew you would.. I'm sorry I fell asleep, I am.. absolutely beat.. I'll see you tomorrow, though, okay?" Connor set his hand on my thin bicep, giving a friendly pat over the shirt

"..I'll see you tomorrow" I squeaked, eyes growing wide at the touch

Connor just laughed, looking down once more at his shoes, before walking out the front door, leaving me to stew in my own embarrassment