xi. the big decision

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" fear has a large shadow, but he himself is small

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" fear has a large shadow, but he himself is small. "
-ruth gendlen

.☆*゚・゚。.★.*。・゚☆*.

Pregnant.

The word played over and over in Cass' mind as she tried to come to terms with it. She couldn't bring a child into the world — she didn't even have a job, they were in the middle of a war. She didn't know what to do.

She didn't want to tell Noah, in case he freaked out. She couldn't tell Sirius, considering he could barely look after himself these days. She couldn't tell Lily, because Lily would tell James and then James would tell Sirius. Marlene, Dorcas and Alice wouldn't be awake for ages, and they had enough on their plates anyway. Remus was back with the werewolves, Peter wouldn't have a clue what to do, Grace would tell Noah, she was running out of options.

She didn't want to tell Euphemia or Fleamont out of fear of disappointing them, she couldn't talk to Clarisse, who was back in France, and the prospect of telling Andromeda seemed terrifying — after all, she had literally told her "don't be silly, wrap your willy".

A choked sob escaped her lips as she clutched on to the sink for support, her head reeling. She had never even considered that pregnancy would be an option, the healers in St Mungos telling her that her chances of falling pregnant had been at least halved by the amount of trauma her body had been through — by the amount of trauma that Avery had put her through. She hadn't told anyone they'd said that, not seeing it as that big a deal at the present time.

But now... even if she went through with the pregnancy, who was to say that she wouldn't lose the baby? Or that something would go wrong and her body couldn't handle it?

She had to talk to someone, someone had to know. She had to see a healer and check it wasn't just a false positive. Even the thought of St Mungos made her want to throw up, and she didn't want to go by herself anyways. Her mind raced frantically through her options, standing with her fingers curled tightly around the sink, the coolness of the china making sure she didn't fall too far into her thoughts.

Tears poured freely down her cheeks. She couldn't be a mother, she didn't know how to. All she'd ever felt around her own mother was fear, and she'd be damned if she put someone else through that. She didn't want to do that, but maybe that was all she'd be able to do, maybe the darkness was in her blood, maybe she was destined to be the worst mother—

"Cass, love, are you alright?" Noah said, knocking softly on the bathroom door. "You've been in there a while." Cass turned the tap on, hastily wiping the tears from her cheeks, and shoving the test back into the box and putting the box in her pocket.

"Yeah." She said. She cleared her throat. "Yeah, I'm fine." She took a deep breath, plastering on a smile as she opened the door. "Sorry, I was uh... sorting out the cupboard."

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