chapter forty-five

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hi i'm not dead just really busy


Lisa's been avoiding me since the last party we've been invited to. Did I do something wrong or inappropriate? I don't get it. Jack and Elijah's party was great or maybe, it wasn't that great.

I don't know anymore. 

The only thing that I know is that I had drunk a lot with Chaeyoung in a tiny cabin hanging in a tree all night. That's it, nothing bad happened. Or is it the case? I had a huge blackout after Lisa drove me home. I feel like I did something and it's so frustrating to not remember it. Yesterday I tried to reach Lisa, but she's not answering any of my calls or text messages.

I really don't get it.

As far as I can remember, we didn't leave each other in bad terms. I spent the whole night with the blondie waitress talking about how Lisa makes me feel vulnerable and flustered.

When Chaeyoung asked me about what are the things that I liked bout Lisa, I realized it took me quite a long time to admit myself she didn't leave me indifferent.

I was always envious of her looks, but I never thought that I could be attracted to her until those last few months. Lisa is just... so... pretty. Her big round doe-eyes are one of the features I love the most about her. I was always envious about her plump lips to her cute button nose.

And now, I miss her.

I think something's wrong with me. I don't want this, but I want her. It's terrifying and painful to admit. I'm scared of being in love with someone that will probably destroy my whole life.

But she... keeps my heart warm.

I can no longer imagine myself with anyone but a specific blonde girl with a beautiful pair of round brown eyes. It scares me to think that, but it's true. I can feel deep in my bones that I'm not pretending. I can't convince myself anymore that I don't want to hug her, kiss her, and wake up every morning with her beside me.

I want to love Lisa, but does she still share the same desire? Perhaps, I'm too late. I've always believed that love was all about timing. There's a high chance that our time has already passed. She loved me for a long time, and now, that's my turn to love her back.

I don't think we were meant to love each other at the same time. I shouldn't have developed those feelings for her and I feel... terrible about myself.

Would people love me the same?

I'm scared. No, I'm terrified that people will start looking at me differently. I just want them to see me like a normal person, is it too much to ask?

Judith is right. I need time to accept myself. One month is not enough, I need more time. This is really hard. Lisa probably went through the same state I'm having right now and I wonder how she got out of this.

My parents would never approve. I know deep in my heart that they will try to change my mind and there's nothing that could change theirs.

"Deep in your thoughts, huh?" Jisoo asks me all of a sudden.

I shoot her a confused look before taking a sip of my lukewarm chocolate coffee. Since we landed in Toulouse – one of the most appreciated cities of France, – I can't stop thinking about Lisa and Jisoo is starting to notice that I don't listen to anything she says.

She frowns at me while I give her a bright smile.

"What? I was just thinking about," I pause and gulp discreetly. "Stuff."

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