Until We Lose Ourselves

60

He didn't want things to get bad again. As awful as it was, he was wary and careful. Once everyone left, he went off to find her.

He found her in her room, her stare out the window.

"I got your gift." He said, hoping she wouldn't be mad at him.

"It wasn't a gift. It was me returning something that never should have been taken away from you, especially with the way it had been." Eden referred to the guitar, turning around. "You're yet to get your gift. It's not much, but I felt like... You should have it."

Jonah came closer. "What is it?"

Eden grabbed the case off her side table and moved over to stand in front of him. She handed it to him, and he looked at her before opening the case.

It was a yellow highlighter. He picked it up, analyzing it.

"Can I show you what it does?" She asked.

"Yeah." He handed it to her.

"It's like a highlighter, but it's not harmful to skin. It's actually something I came across, I thought it was cute." She bit her lip to stop herself from rambling. She opened the lid and took his hand, making a mark on the back.

He narrowed his eyes, observing a darker drawing within the mark, one of a sunflower.

"You know, whenever you feel sad, you can just use it on anything. Or even when you're not sad, it's not a rule. I'm not saying it will just brighten you up, but it's a reminder that... Things will be okay one day." She bit her lip harder.

Jonah looked up at her. He felt a lump in his throat, and his heart rate increase. He took the pen from her and tossed it gently on the bed, along with the casing, before looking at her again and breaking down.

"Jonah? What- I... Jonah-" Eden hadn't expected it.

He was a crying, shaking mess in front of her. "I don't want to ever have to use it. I want to be happy. I- I want to be happy." His sobs came through louder.

Eden tried to come closer, but he moved back.

"Why do you lie so much? Why are you such a liar?"

"Jonah, what-"

"I talked to Cullen. You lie when you say that you became... This- at thirteen because of what those motherfuckers did to you. You said you loved me. Why did you fucking lie?"

"What are you saying? I didn't lie about either of those things." Eden said, wide-eyed.

"You loved Cullen, or perhaps you still do. You never hurt him. He says you two were fine before the show thing." He glared at her. Suddenly he grabbed her collar and pulled her close, with desperation. "Why didn't you hurt him? Why did you never hit him?" His sobs continued.

Eden didn't take notice of the tears leaking out of her own eyes. "I..."

"You never loved me. Or you wouldn't have done what you did. You didn't hurt him. You made me think you were really sick, but you were just throwing me around like a ragdoll."

Eden struggled to breath. Her heart rate fluctuating, her face wet with tears.

He pushed her lightly, and she fell back to sit on the bed. He fell to the floor himself, crying against her legs.

"We were never romantically involved, Jonah. I swear. It was just a cover up. For the media. You're the only one I've ever loved." She pleaded for him to listen.

He heard her, but his sobs didn't stop. He held on to her knees.

Eden pulled herself down to the ground in front of him. "I'm sorry." She sobbed.

They slept that night with their heads resting against each other's.

.

Eden's statement was recorded and used in court.

She was exhausted.

She found solace in Jonah's company, often disappearing, however, when she needed to gain back control of herself.

And it took one month.

"I can't stay in there, knowing out here you are trying not to get mad!" He yelled after her.

She turned around. He had followed her outside. "If you know what's best for you, you'll go back inside."

"This is not you working on yourself. This isn't an improvement, disappearing each time you get angry." He shot at her.

"What the fuck do you want? I'm trying to protect you from myself. I'm doing all I fucking can!" She yelled back.

"We fight and you disappear. What you need is to learn to gain control in the moment, not take hours alone. I can't even have a serious conversation with you." He gave an exasperated sigh.

"Because nothing I do is ever enough, is it? This is the worst thing about you. You just can't leave me alone, even when it's for your own good."

"You're turning this towards me again. Try taking responsibility for once. What is this, if we can't even converse properly without you rushing off?"

"Don't start. Jonah-" she stumbled.

"Oh of course. You're drunk." He narrowed his eyes at her. "Why must you fucking lie? Why can't you ever be reliable?"

"It gets to my head! Everything gets to my head! And it's the way I escape it." She hissed.

"Then, why don't you talk? Talk, Eden! Instead of drinking or running away! I can't be with you if..."

"If what? You can't keep tabs on me?" He's with you despite how you treat him.

"You know very fucking well that's not what I was saying." He turned away, "It was a mistake to think you'd make sense of what I say."

"It was. So was this." She pointed to him and herself.

"You could've gotten better. At this point, you're just faking it. You're completely fine, but you don't want to be." He spat. He knew he was wrong to say it, but there was no going back.

"What the fuck did you say?" She took a step closer, surprised.

"I said you're faking it!" He yelled.

"Get lost, Jonah. I mean it." She snarled.

"You don't get to dictate what I do. Stop being a fucking control freak." He had had enough. All the pent up anger was coming out at once.

Eden stepped towards him and slapped him across the face.

His eyes widened. "Of course you would fucking do that. Why do I forget? You're one with supposed anger issues who can't give a fuck about anyone else." He said, venomously.

Eden felt the words hit harder than they should have. She harshly grabbed his arm, her nails digging into his skin, and pushed him inside the wooden cabin.

Too tired to protest, he let her, only to realise, once she shut the door on him, that he was locked in.

Eden ran to the house, letting out a loud scream once inside. She stumbled and fell to the ground, crying.

And over there, where Jonah could have kicked down the door, he chose not to even try. His body was giving up on him. His exhaustion was getting to him. And he fell asleep in the dark cabin, his back against the hard, nailed wall.