Until We Lose Ourselves

40

Eden pulled at her hair in frustration. She wished she didn't feel what she felt for Jonah. He meant so much to her, and she wished he didn't. Because she knew, as Potter said, the more you care, the more you have to lose. And she couldn't bear losing him.

That early morning, she tiptoed to his room and stepped inside quietly. She closed the door behind her, and heard, "Eden?"

She almost jumped. "You aren't asleep?"

"I'm not... What are you doing here?" His sleepy voice was weirdly making her heart beat faster. She was suddenly very anxious.

"I um... I came to um... Ask you about..."

"You came to my room at five in the morning to ask..."

"Gosh, Jonah." She turned away from him so that he wouldn't see the tear leaking out of her eye.

But she heard him laugh, and it made her feel slightly better, or maybe worse, though her heart still beat fast. "Why don't you stay?"

"Stay? Stay here?" Eden asked.

"If you want to... I mean... Um... I would want you to, well you should stay, I mean." He stopped and pursed his lips, internally cursing at himself.

Eden didn't move and watched him slowly get out of bed. He came over to her and stood close.

"Will you stay?" His smile made her feel something weird, and she didn't have the courage to find a name for that feeling.

"Yeah." Eden cursed at herself for agreeing so easily, though his touch, pushing her towards the bed, made it less regretful. "What were you doing before I umm..."

"I was reading."

"Reading what?"

"Well I finished Lampshade, I'm starting Burn."

"Lampshade? As in... The one, thriller?"

"Yeah."

"I've read it too. What did you think of it?"

"It was nerve-racking. I couldn't stop reading." He sighed, contently.

Eden snuggled up in the pillows. She loved his scent from the bed. "I remember the feels. It's chilling when you consider the possibilities when you have no answers."

"I thought a lot about it. I was constantly head-canoning."

Eden laughed. "I never thought you were one to read."

"I never thought you were." He smiled.

"If you're starting Burn... Can you read it to me?"

Jonah was surprised. "Of course." He felt his heart lift up at her sleepy smile. He began reading.

Eden found solace in his voice. She wished to hold on and never let go. She placed an arm around him. She closed her eyes to let sleep take over.

Jonah noticed that she had fallen asleep. As beautiful as she looked in her sleep, he felt warm and happy that she was beside him. He wasn't alone. And he would shut the bad thoughts away as they came.

Maybe his mind told him that he didn't deserve to be happy, but that didn't mean he couldn't be.

With Eden, he was happy. He wanted to be with her, but he knew that he couldn't. Their careers would always push them apart. And with people as unstable as them, it was so easy to break apart.

He promised himself. I'll get better, I'll get healthier, and then I'll ask her to be my girlfriend.

.

Eden opened her eyes and rose to see Jonah getting ready.

"Oh sorry, I didn't mean to wake you."

"Where're you going?"

"Why do you get to ask questions and I don't?" He arched an eyebrow.

"To your girlfriend?" Eden ignored his question.

"Oh, Sophia." He had almost forgot. "No, no. I'm going to the studio. They called me in early for some album thing, I don't really know."

Eden hummed, lying back down. "Your bed smells like you." She mumbled. Her eyes snapped back open when she realised what she had said.

Jonah just chuckled and said, "I would assume that my bed smells like me and no one else."

Eden kept her mouth shut and tried to drift back to sleep, but it had left her. She let him leave before getting up herself. His voice was so calming. She loved it. Him reading her to bed was the best thing that had happened to her during those days. She wished he could be hers, but she would only lose him. She was toxic.

.

"Jonah?" Eden asked, waking up to a boy shivering at the other side of the bed. She pulled him to lie straight, and he woke up, sitting up immediately.

He didn't turn to her, instead moved off the bed and went straight to his cabinet where he kept the medicines. His heart threatened to jump out at any second, he shook horribly, and he heard Eden's calls as if they were far away.

Eden grabbed him by the shoulders, hugging him from behind, wrapping her arms tightly around his own. She felt his body tremble, and his hand struggle to get out of her hold. His struggles were weak, and his sobs threatened to come through. He sunk to the floor, Eden along with him. She rubbed his arms, trying to comfort him.

"It's alright. You are fine." She mumbled into his shoulder. Her hands felt his thin body and she worried about how much he ate.

Jonah felt helpless. She held him back from doing anything, and he didn't know whether it was a good thing or bad. He just felt like his heart rate was fluctuating. He took her hands into his own and held them tightly. He counted, and she blew onto his shoulder.

And he realised that he had forgotten half his dream. It bothered him to no ends that after all the panic, he couldn't remember much of what he saw. He mumbled curses, his body shaking less terribly now. Eden didn't let him go.

And some time passed before he had stopped shaking. His eyes drowsy, yet he would do anything but sleep. With Eden's help, he was able to make it back to bed, though he only stayed, his back against the bed frame, his eyes fixated at the wall. He had no sense of his surroundings.

Eden held his hand, squeezing every few moments to remind him she was there.

And her heart broke at that sight of him.

She wished she had never left, rather stayed there and took care of him. And her feelings for him grew, and she felt an urgency to be there to pull him into her arms whenever he was even slightly troubled.