Until We Lose Ourselves

20

No matter what went on, both Jonah and Eden couldn't find sleep. The two were desperate.

Jonah started taking pills on a daily basis, to the point that they were a part of his routine. He wouldn't admit it, but he was terrified.

Eden on the other hand, gave way to the insomnia. She didn't need to welcome her fears, for they had never left. With every passing moment, came greater the feeling of anger, but she refused to let herself get out of control. She wouldn't do that when she was trapped with them.

Jonah let the self-hatred engulf him. He saw more flaws in himself than he had before, he felt undeserving of everything, and more so, he felt himself become a burden on his friends, in his own home.

Eden and he met up in the underground music room often. Those meet-ups were all he looked forward too, but also often found himself wishing that he wasn't there.

"Well, there was a chipmunk outside my window, but I couldn't open it and say hi." Eden rolled her eyes.

"There is a tree branch outside mine, but nothing happened. No animal came to visit me." Jonah said.

It was quiet for a moment.

"Remember what happened on James Copper's show?" Eden smirked.

"How can I forget?" Jonah gave a small smile.

Eden took note. He didn't look at her much. Neither did he smile like he used to. She realised she missed that smile.

She got up and went over to him. She placed her hands on both sides of his face, "What's wrong?" She asked, lifting his face.

"Nothing." He said, placing his hands around her waist and pulling her close.

"Are you sure?" She placed her hands around his neck.

"Yeah." He pulled her into a hug he didn't know he needed. Though she didn't know what was bothering him, he felt like she was helping lift some of the burden of his thoughts off of him.

She squeezed him, planting a kiss atop his head, covered with his black curls. He squeezed her back, grateful for that moment in her arms, where he felt safest.

She ran her hand through his hair and ruffled them up. He laughed, and Eden discovered that she liked the sound a bit too much.

He finally stood up, towering over her again and she frowned. "I'll start wearing heels all the time, I swear..." she grumbled.

He grinned. He didn't know how so easily she had brightened him up, and he didn't want to let her go from his arms. "Do you have that tall heels?"

"Oh shush, you're only 4 inches higher." She playfully hit him on his chest. Though she knew that it was done jokingly, and so did he, laughing at her complaints, she regretted it. Her mind started to flash back to her old days.

"Would you perhaps, watch a movie with me?" Jonah asked.

Eden shook her head slightly. "I'm tired, actually. I'm going to bed early." She smiled up at him.

"That's fine." Jonah said, pulling away from her. Had Eden not been lost in her own head, she would've noticed the crestfallen look that passed his face, and how he looked away from her immediately after he pulled away. "Goodnight." He said.

"Night." She said back, leaving the room.

.

Millie knew the security had been tightened. She knew why, as well. Her mind nagged her to call Emilia, but she couldn't bring herself to, now having noticed the feelings she held for her.

Her phone rang and she picked it up immediately, hoping to hear Emilia's voice on the other end. She heard sobs.

"Hello?" She asked before looking at the caller ID and seeing it was Eden, "Eden? Are you okay?"

"No." Came a desperate gasp.

"What happened? Stop crying, Eden." Millie tried to calm her.

"I- I'm afraid."

"Of what?"

"Caleb. I think it's him, Millie. The one who's been trying to kill us."

"What are you saying? He went to jail, that too in Canada."

"That man has green eyes, Millie! So did Caleb!"

"You shouldn't be so quick to assume-"

"I know what I saw, and I- I can't."

"Can't what?"

"Stay in here. I can't stay trapped like this! My thoughts are killing me. I feel so awful, and I am shivering, and these closed windows, I'm suffocating." Eden let out another sob.

"It won't be long before that man is caught. You'll be able to go out soon, but for now, just stay. Try to calm yourself." Millie felt helpless.

"I have tried! It doesn't work!" She said. "I'm feel like I'm going insane."

"Just a little while longer, Eden. I know you can hold on."

There were sobs on the other end.

"I'm keeping the call going and going to sleep with hope that you won't do anything stupid, ok?"

Between the small sobs, she heard an, "Okay."

Millie placed the phone beside her, hearing her get quieter. Certainly, it was late and she intended to sleep, but now she couldn't. She didn't know what to do. She couldn't be there for her.

.

Jonah didn't sleep that night. He took his pills, and tried to smoke off his weariness. It worked, to some extent, but he felt lonelier than ever. He wished to see his sister, but he wasn't allowed to. He wished to apologise to his family, but it wasn't possible. He wished to get out of that place, but he couldn't.

He rolled his cigarette between his fingers, staring down at it. No smoke detectors were on his floor, but no window was open to let out the smoke either. He made his way to his window and opened it. He didn't care about what he was risking.

His thoughts wandered to how he had screamed at his parents. He had been so awful, just because he was upset his girlfriend broke up with him. After that day, all he felt was worthless. He didn't have anyone to call his own, other than a sister in coma. He deserved it. He was horrible.

It just so happened that his two hands were close, allowing him to press the burning end of the cigarette against his other palm. He kept it there, not yet feeling the burn, but it soon came. And he wished for more.

Because there was nothing more satisfying than burning what he hated most.

Himself.