Until We Lose Ourselves

59

Jonah directed the driver to a place he himself hadn't been before.

He came to a stop in front of a large studio.

He walked inside, greeted by many people, and Cullen eventually grasped his hand. "Thanks for agreeing to be on my song, man."

"Thank you for having me." His response was automated.

Jonah sang as best as he could. His throat felt dry after his part was done. He didn't bother drinking water, rather went straight for what he had wanted to do.

"I mean it's been a long time, but she's a great friend now." Cullen smiled at him.

"So, how was your relationship?"

"I mean... It was great. We understood each other, gave each other space when we needed it, we had good conversations too, you know." Cullen rubbed the back of his neck, not knowing if his answer was the one he was supposed to give.

"Then why did you break up?"

"You know, man, the kiss on live television, she wasn't happy with that." Cullen looked wide-eyed at him.

"But was there anything else? You guys were together for two years, there must've been something else driving you apart." He was almost pleading.

"Dude, what answer do you want? We were fine, and then I fucked up, and we broke up, that's it. Why are you... What do you want?"

"Was there any fighting? Anything physical?"

"You mean, as in, hitting her?"

"Or her hitting you."

"No, of course not." Cullen was concerned. He and Eden didn't spend a lot of time together, even then, to have gotten to know each other a lot. He didn't know how to take any further questions.

"So that's it? You two were fine before you kissing the model?" Jonah held onto that last shred of hope.

"Yeah. We were fine. But she isn't one to tolerate disrespect. I understand though, what I did was wrong..."

Jonah had stopped listening. He felt like crying right then and there.

She loved him, of course. She didn't hurt him because she loved him. She doesn't love you. She hates you. You should hate her too. It's fucking pointless what you're trying to do. It's fucking pointless. You two are fucking pointless.

Jonah excused himself, rushing to the restroom, before closing the door and throwing up.

.

Over a month went by, and Eden knew not to lose control. His birthday was coming up, and she worked on focusing on him.

It disappointed her when he gave her short answers, but felt that she deserved it. She had been so blind towards him for the past few months that... She took everything he sent her way.  It was barely anything, compared to what she did.

But she worked on being more of a girlfriend than she had been to a boyfriend, even though they never gave each other those titles.

It was obvious to Jonah, but the reason behind it wasn't.

Eden would hate herself even more if she let his birthday go by with more of a memory about a fight than the day itself.

Jonah didn't want to feel the little happiness he did when she gave him care and attention. It made him feel special, which was worse. They were at the point where small bits of affection made the other feel special, because all they were used to was being ignored, being yelled at, getting hurt...

But he caved. He missed her, and so he gave in.

.

The bruise on her abdomen faded. The sign of the single time he retaliated, disappeared.

And that's what happens. Bruises fade. Memories don't, however. And Jonah's were worse, which he was willing to forget if she kept treating him the way she did in preparation for his birthday.

Eden kept his wish in mind. No big party. Close friends, and cake, wound up by the evening.

The days leading up to his birthday were all the more overwhelming for her. Caleb was to be given seventy five years in prison, but the horror got to her. It was taking so long for him to be sentenced, and all because of Hade's subtle involvement. It made her shake, what would've happened, had he escaped, or succeeded in his plans.

And the morning of Jonah's birthday, they gathered in their house, but she stayed away from the group. It made her happy to see him happy.

"Eden?" It was Millie who approached her.

"Yeah?"

"You're going to lose him."

Her eyes snapped to hers. "What're you talking about? I've been working on myself. I've been trying so hard."

Millie showed her her phone. There were various articles about her and Cullen, and her with guys she'd only ever been with once or twice.

"Well, he doesn't seem bothered." Eden shrugged.

"He doesn't seem bothered because he's stopped showing how he feels as much as he used to." Millie looked at her properly. "You're fucking ruining him, and I can't stand by and let it happen."

"So what do you plan to do?" Eden asked with a bored look.

"You're not even slightly serious about this?" Millie asked, incredulously.

"Oh fuck, Millie. I'm not even sure about myself anymore. I don't feel anything for myself, and it's getting harder and harder to feel anything for him." Eden snapped.

"So you don't love him?"

"Today, when I saw him happy with all of you, I felt that feeling that I haven't in a long time. It was something like love." Eden looked away. "I don't make him happy anymore. He's lost himself, who am I to love? But can I really blame him? I'm not myself, I'm abusive, hurtful, with drastic mood-swings. I'm literally fucking unlovable. I would kill to have back what we had. I ruined it, I ruined him, but I don't care enough about you right now to even look guilty."

She ignored the jab at the end. "You need help, Eden. You both do. You were both doing so well." Millie looked at the ground.

"I know we shouldn't be with each other, but it's obvious that we both prefer the repetition, rather than the loneliness. It's ok, though. One of us will get tired eventually."

Millie looked pained.

Eden's phone rang. She picked it up.

It was a while before the woman got to her point. "We need you to appear in court. They both are involved with you. It doesn't matter what you say, we just need you to make a statement."

"I'll talk with my lawyer about it." Eden said, hurriedly.

And the call ended soon after.

Eden looked at Jonah again. The fact that he still could smile gave her hope. The fact that she still couldn't be the one who made him happy, took that hope away.