Until We Lose Ourselves

58

Eden gathered herself, before walking quickly over to where he sat in the music room. She thought he'd attempt to leave, but he didn't. His hollow eyes turned to her, and that was it.

Eden folded her arms across her chest, feeling the need to, with her pounding heart. "I know, I don't treat you well. And I also know that you deserve so much better." She took a deep breath. "I'm sorry that I let things get to me in such ways that I let it out on you with yelling and even... Hitting." She turned to the ground. "And nothing I say can make up for how I treated you."

"I'm getting used to it." He shrugged.

"You shouldn't have to." She got down, sitting on her knees, hands holding onto his chair, looking up at him "I'm going to try. I got better at first, I didn't think it'd get bad again. It did though, and you got the burn of it." She looked down. "I love you, but if you decide never to look at me again, I won't stop you."

"I wish you weren't so eager to let me go." He sucked in a sharp breath.

"I'm not. And as much as it hurts me to let you go, it hurts worse when I hurt you. I swear it hurts. It hurts when you look like this." Her hand reached up and touched his cheek. "You're bright, your eyes are supposed to shine all the time, and you're youthful, you're supposed to be happy. It's breaking me to see you like this. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if you end up completely broken because of me." Her other hand grasped the chair tighter.

He took her other hand from his cheek. "No matter how much I wish I would, I don't want to be without you." His eyes watered and he was quick to wipe them.

"Jonah..." Eden stood up. She pulled him into her arms. "I'm going to work on myself. For you, for us. I promise."

He squeezed his eyes shut, holding her tighter.

.

It was a sore spot. It was treated as such. A little careful. Just in case.

But of course, it happened again. And Jonah's favourite guitar, along with two mugs got the burn of it. It was worse. There was more yelling.

Jonah riled her up with his solemn responses, and it was added to the pressure on her by the media. Marie and Winona were on her for her discography that still was owned by Hade. And Harry's comments about her weren't helping.

But they moved on. He was, after all, getting used to it.

And it happened again, and he retaliated. Because he wasn't just getting used to it.

He wasn't like that. He never had been. And he felt utterly numb afterwards.

They slept in the same bed. They didn't look at each other. They didn't converse. They didn't kiss. They didn't have sex. There was an unspoken distance.

But Jonah's were always there to be the arms she'd crash into after a stressful day.

No matter how he felt himself.

But really, did he even feel anything, other than the urges to hurt himself?

.

Jonah's inner struggles were barely noticed. His eye bags continued to darken, his shoulders continued to sag.

He saw the stress taken on by Eden, that she let out on him. He barely took notice of what happened. He could rarely even think straight.

It didn't help that their communication had become minimum, other than the parts she told him about her past. The scars, the beating, the assault. He would often shake his head to not think about it. It made his body tremble, and his head hurt. He couldn't take it, but Eden wanted to tell him, and so she did, in bits and pieces, not to overwhelm him.

But to him, it seemed as if everything was now about her, even if she was telling him all that just so he wouldn't feel like he'd been left without explanations and truths. He felt he was tossed aside when she didn't need him for listening to or comforting her. The feelings of worthlessness made him hurt himself more, in places she wouldn't see.

You're not important to her, or she would've kept her promise.

His mind found more and more reasons for him to want to hurt himself.

He was destroying himself.

But she? He didn't know why, that other than the little time she spent with him, she was either outside or in her room. He didn't know how to make her know how he felt without letting her know too much, or feel pity, or obligated. It tormented him to know that consideration of his feelings had been reduced to nothing in that house. And he watched it happen. He didn't do anything to stop it.

All because he claimed to love her. All because he thought she loved him back.

But what she did to him? It wasn't love. It couldn't be love. Love was supposed to be... He didn't know. His idea of love had been torn apart and discarded by her.

And yet, he still didn't do anything. He didn't say anything when one day, her photoshoot with her ex-boyfriend Cullen came into print. But he was hurting worse and worse by the day.

.

Eden couldn't forgive herself. She didn't feel sorry for herself. She felt that she was too self-centred and preoccupied with herself. She was, wasn't she? So much that she didn't do anything as the light faded from Jonah's eyes.

She would spend the nights in her room, sobbing. She would spend the day sulking and hurting herself in subtle ways.

Why must it always be about you? Why must you be such an attention-seeker that you do this? Why don't you just die? Why don't you just die?

She couldn't take it. And she looked towards Cullen for help. Cullen did much to keep her distracted, but he had to leave at some point, and she would return to loathing herself.

She sobbed as she cut her long red hair, leaving behind short red locks. She sobbed as Marie's message appeared on her phone to inform her that Hade was demanding that she work for him to get her discography back. She sobbed as she remembered the last time Jonah smiled at her. She sobbed as she thought of how much more she could ruin.

You always ruin everything.