Until We Lose Ourselves

56

A triumphant grin remained on Eden's face, as she waited for Jonah to return, remembering the look on his face when she was seducing him. It had been an hour ago, and he had only just left to go to the washroom.

She stayed away from the crowd, not willing to mingle. It hadn't been very long, but she was surprised how she didn't want to party with anyone but him.

She heard someone clear their throat behind her, and whipped around to see Cullen standing there. "Hi." He said.

"Oh, hello. It been quite a long time." She smiled.

"I know, right? And you've been... Busy? You are in the news quite a lot."

"Oh that," Eden sighed, "it's just been hectic, and it doesn't help that Harry Tunningstun thinks it's ok to spread lies about me."

"But you were with him, right?"

"Yeah, I was. But I never asked to make a sex tape." She rolled her eyes.

"He's probably salty." He chuckled.

"Yeah, because I broke up with him, and he was rather opposed to it." She pressed her lips together.

"But you said it was a mutual decision." He furrowed his eyebrows.

"I thought I could keep him from attacking me like that, if I kept his "image" intact."

"Right." He sighed. "Well, it was nice seeing you. I think I should head back to find Jenny."

"Oh right, Jennifer. You're dating her for real or...?"

"For real. I'm past all that." He smiled.

"Good for you."

"And you? I doubt you wanted to be with anyone after Harry."

"I was never really interested in him." She frowned. "And I'm keeping away my relationships from the public eye for now. Not that I'm in one."

"Oh okay. I'll see you later, then." He turned around and left, after watching her wave at him.

Eden turned away as well, only to see Jonah behind her. "Hey!" She exclaimed, surprised.

"Shall we leave? It's getting pretty late." There was something off with the way he spoke.

"I guess." She shrugged. "C'mon." She took his hand, and he let her.

He hid his thoughts behind a neutral expression. He knew full well that they hadn't even given each other labels, but was it really not enough for her to at least mention?

Or maybe she wanted to keep it hidden from Cullen. That only sparked more worries in him.

"You're awfully quiet, babe." Eden took his hand.

He looked at her, surprised. "What did you call me?"

"Babe. I just... Um, if you don't like it-"

"No, I was just surprised. I like it. A lot actually. Makes me feel as if..." He trailed off.

"As if?"

"Nevermind."

"No, please, tell me." She looked at him with large eyes.

He pursed his lips. "As if we're in a real relationship."

"Are we not?"

"Doesn't seem like it."

Eden was taken aback. "I guess it's dumb to be surprised." She laughed. "I didn't think you'd want to be with me, especially after how I... Treated you."

"We never discussed what we were, exactly." He remarked. "And as far as I remember, you're with me because I'm pitiful."

"What? Jonah, that not true-"

"You said it yourself." He shrugged.

"Jonah, I-"

"We'll talk at home."

.

They didn't talk when they got home. The silent treatment made her furious, but she didn't intend to let it show. So she retreated to her room, clutching her head, squeezing her eyes shut, breathing heavily.

The anger wasn't the first emotion. It never was. And this time, it came after sadness and anxiety. She remembered how she tried to get him to speak to her, by watching him, tapping his hand. He had ignored all her attempts. And she didn't know why so suddenly the night had changed.

.

"Where were you?" Jonah asked abruptly.

"In my room."

"Why?"

"What kind of a question is that?" Eden furrowed her eyebrows.

Jonah sat down, looking away from her. He wanted to blame her for what he did to himself, because taking the blame himself was much harder.

"Jonah..." Eden made her way to him.

"Why are you leading me on? You pity me. That's no reason to be with someone."

Eden sighed, irritated. "I'm not in the mood to ruin my morning, arguing with you about whether I pity you or love you." Her morning wasn't great to begin with, and her anxiety had changed to irritability.

"You don't want to talk about it, but you're the one who started this. Do you have any idea how confused I feel, not knowing what to believe, what not to believe, about who you are and how you feel about me." His head snapped down, cursing at himself for letting it out.

"It's not always about you." Eden snarled. "If you can't understand what to believe, then it's not my fault." It was her fault, and she knew it. "All the time, I'm constantly looking out for you, doing stuff for you, but if I let you know even a little bit about how I feel, you start to fucking attack me for it. It just tells me I need to go look for someone who would actually care, and not make everything about themselves." Her voice was loud, making his head start to hurt.

"You know what? It's just stupid. You don't even realize that you're constantly leaving me wondering how you feel, because you're never willing to admit anything." He stood up. "All there is here, is the lust, there's no fucking connection."

"You're right! No fucking connection. We're mistaking lust for love, aren't we? Because we don't really feel anything for each other? Because the only reason we came together was because we were bored, trapped inside this house, with nothing to distract us? Because your parents died, and you couldn't fucking take care of yourself?"

"At this point, that is exactly what I think this is." His eyes hardened.

"Fuck you. Fuck you!" She screamed, moving closer and pushing him back, making him fall back down on the couch, as he stared up at her, seemingly numb. It infuriated her, and she moved back, her jaw clenched. She turned away, leaving the room, and the house.

But once she drove away, it all hit her, making her a sobbing mess. Her vision blurred, and she sped up.

No one caught her, and she stopped the car, almost crashing it, near one of the creeks of Seattle.

She didn't get out of the car, but the deserted area gave her the freedom to cry, and shake uncontrollably, without being seen.