Until We Lose Ourselves

48

Jonah knew that he shouldn't let her sleep being angry at him, but the way his heart thumped, and he felt himself shatter at what she said, he couldn't do it. He couldn't go to her.

He loved her. He knew that he loved her. But it wasn't enough to just know. He had to let her know too. But what if it was too big a word for them just yet? And he was never going to get the ability to say it. He felt like he needed to resume his therapy sessions, but he couldn't let her find out. She'd think he was crazy or just a sad guy. She might just laugh at him if she found out he had depression. He wouldn't be able to handle it.

He fell asleep within his attempts to not cry.

.

Eden found Jonah passed out on the table, sitting uncomfortably on the wooden chair. She breathed deeply. She felt awful. She subconsciously rubbed the side of her hand. It was bruised only slightly.

"Jonah?" She tried to wake him, and he did immediately. Startled, he looked around and his eyes found Eden.

"Eden, I- Eden-"

"It's ok, Jonah, I'm sorry." She looked over him. "You must be stiff and sore. Come on, let's get you to bed."

She pulled him up from the chair, and he pulled her into a hug. She let him, patting him on the back, lightly. She pressed a kiss on his neck. She wished he hadn't slept there, rather had been in his room, beside her. She hated herself for not bringing him up with her. She hated being the reason he had to sleep out of his own bed.

"I'm sorry." He said.

"Don't apologize." It was obvious. Eden never felt deserving of an apology. Because she was more often than not, in the wrong.

"I didn't know you were stressed out yesterday. And I should've told you how I feel about you."

"I wasn't stressed out." Eden smiled, her lie going unnoticed by herself. It was compulsive. "C'mon, come with me." She pulled him up the stairs, his hand in hers, until they reached his bedroom.

"I'm not tired." Jonah lied, and a yawn tried to cut through, but he hid it.

"Yeah, right," she clicked her tongue, "you must be sore though." Eden reasoned.

Jonah didn't protest, instead turned her around and took her hands in his. "I don't want you to be mad at me."

"I'm not. Let's just forget about last night, okay? What do you want to do now? Didn't you have a recording session today?"

Jonah picked up on the sudden topic change, but was too tired to fight it. "Yeah, but I think I'll cancel it... If you're free, you can stay with me."

"I have an interview tomorrow. But I can tell Marie to come over for our pre-interview discussion instead." Her heart leapt up at the idea of spending the day with him.

Jonah smiled. "Sleep through the morning with me?"

"There's no possible way I can say no to that." Eden laughed.

She couldn't let him go. She couldn't give him reasons to leave her.

.

"We were together for a bit, but it didn't work out. We broke up." Eden told the host, Jennifer.

"Isn't that a shame. He's quite the heart throb." Jennifer turned to look at Harry's face in the picture being shown.

Eden laughed. "Well, I wouldn't say it's a shame. I'm quite happy not dating anyone."

"So you won't be dating anyone for a while then, I believe?"

"Yup. I don't want a relationship. Too much work." Eden rolled her eyes, internally begging that she changed the topic, and hoping Jonah wouldn't bring it up, or even watch the interview.

"Can I ask if it was a mutual decision? The breakup."

Eden bit her lip. What was she to say to that? "Yeah, it was mutual."

.

Eden sighed, entering her home. She took heavy steps towards the stairs, and saw Jonah on the couch. She intended to sneak past him, but he didn't let her.

"Hey." He turned to look at her, hearing her shuffling.

"Hi." She replied.

"How was it?"

"Fine." Eden dismissed his attempt at talking to her, moving up the stairs quickly. She wasn't in the mood to talk to him.

Jonah pursed his lips. He wondered why she wasn't saying much. Maybe it was because of something at the interview? He tried to shake off the worry and focus on the TV show playing in front of him.

Eden shut the door to her room, sitting down on the bed. She suddenly wished she hadn't dismissed Jonah like that. She wished they'd talk and cuddle, and she'd become engrossed in him again.

She groaned. The feeling that he wouldn't be there if she checked, took over her. Fearing abandonment, she jumped up, swinging open the door to her room, and looked down over the railing.

She could hear the TV playing, and controlled the urge to go to him and pull him into her arms.

She sank to the floor, looking down.

It was a few minutes before she heard the TV turn off, and she jumped up from her position on the floor, looking down again to try and see him.

Talking to him felt like an unbearable option. She hoped that he'd come to her, but it was foolish. He wouldn't come to her. He hated her room. And she was on the floor where her room was. Why'd he come two floors further up for her?

And so she pulled herself down the stairs, feeling dreadful. There was nothing to be afraid about, but she still was. "Jonah?" She called out.

"Yeah?" She heard back.

She didn't reply, continuing going downstairs. He appeared at the bottom of the stairs and she saw him looking at her. Her face scrunched up a little, before she reached him and put her arms around him.

He put his arms around her too.

It was a while before they pulled back. Jonah resisted, trying to keep the hug going, but they eventually did pull away, and Jonah's eyes were red. She pulled his face into her hands, concerned. There were dried tear stains on hid face.

"Jonah. Why're you..."

"I'm not."

"How would you know what I was going to say, unless you were?" She sighed. "Jonah, why were you crying?"

"I don't know. It could be for many reasons, but I'm not really sure right now." He looked down, ashamedly.

Eden put a finger under his chin, pulling him up to face her. "Talk to me. I can't see you be sad like this."