desiderium- Jasper Hale

Pt 9: dreaming confessions

Jasper drove us to the entry of a national park, about 30 minutes out of Forks. We got out and started up the dirt path, trusting that Jasper knew what he was doing. The scenery was beautiful, green and luscious forest surrounded the space. I always thought that I would get sick of the same thing every day. The same people, the same classes, the same dinner, the same trees. But for some reason, I felt myself really finding home. More than just in a physical sense, or even as a matter of connection- I had felt that most places I had been. But there was something different about Forks. It was as though this place was part of me- part of my soul- somewhere I was destined to be.

Jasper and I were just walking, soaking up the beauty of the landscape around us, and dwelling in the presence of each other.

"So, tell me your story?" Jasper asks, looking at me.

"Well, it's quite hard to keep up with," I laugh.

"I think I can manage," He replies with a smirk.

"Well, when my Mum had just had Bella at this point- I was about 14-15months old, and she supposedly found herself quite discontent and restless in Forks. She wanted more, and so long story short, she gave Charlie the ultimatum of leaving and being with her and his children, or staying in Forks and looking after his ailing parents," I say taking a breath.

"I know it sounds rough that he basically chose them over his children and wife, but I actually really respect his decision. I think there's something comforting knowing that Charlie held such great respect for his parents and wouldn't leave them to just die alone. He knew we would be okay, but his parents wouldn't be," I look up at Jasper, "And as well as that, Mum would have known the life that they were going to live before they got married. She literally signed up for that. She changed her mind and left to live a new life, whereas Charlie has had to sacrifice his children and the love of his life. It's just so tragic really."

"Yeah, wow," Jasper hesitates, "Did Bella feel the same way as you in relation to that choice he had to make?"

"I know for a fact that Bella struggled with giving Charlie grace for the decision he made. She didn't understand how someone could sacrifice something like that," I pause, "She didn't understand that he was going to lose something no matter what he chose. I think she takes it as though he chose them over us. But in reality, he never gave up us, he gave up his marriage. One in which was probably going to fail anyway, whether he went or not- he wouldn't have been happy anywhere other than Forks, and she wouldn't have been happy to have stayed," I pause as I feel a deep peace race through my heart.

Sighing I turn to look at the trees that we pass, the endless opportunities and beauty that is hidden amongst the expanse of land. The things I would do to be able to wander endlessly and just see what it all had to offer.

"In relation to how that effected me though, I think that 'restless' and 'discontent' with Mum was passed onto me. I was once told by my old psychologist that my young mind didn't register anything about the separation other than the fact that Mum 'ran away'. Ever since I was young I've never stayed in one place for long, or at least I never wished to be there- I was always caught trying to sneak off or run away, from as early as the age of 3," I laugh quietly. "The only semi-constant in my life has been Bella, and even then, whenever we had been distant, it was my fault. When I got my acceptance to study abroad, it was like my day had come. I was ready to rule the world, and so I jumped on a plane- not even caring about Mum's hesitations, and so I left."

I look towards Jasper to see him absolutely engulfed in what I'm saying, as though he truly wants to dwell on every word I say.

"If I'm being totally honest, I think I run away because I'd rather leave than be the one whose left," I say truthfully, looking down at my feet. "I watch my Dad and I don't see any happiness except for Bella and I, and we only just got here... I didn't want my life to be impacted in such a way, to not have anything left- to allow others to have that much control."