Life is really taking a toll on me, i am afraid i have lost it. I am at the edge right now, i can feel it.
I walk back to the room to get a towel and something else picks my interest....a scalpel, placed on the dressing table.
_This could bring all my misery to an end._
I smile to myself as i take it before grabbing the towel and strutting back to the bathroom.
I am busy making a bubble bath when fade to black by Metallica blasts out from my phone.
Yes that's my current ringing tone. I feel like my life is utterly falling apart under my watch and there is nothing i can do about it, like everything's slowly fading to black.
I should rush to answer the phone but instead i sit on the edge of the tub and start singing along to the song, i am not just singing along i am sinking in the mood too, the lyrics coming deep from my heart and a tear drops at the end of every line.
*Life it seems to fade away
Drifting further everyday
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters no one else
I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free.*
I wipe my tears when the phone rings for the second time and i strut to the bedroom to get it, i take a deep calming breath before tapping the answer icon.
"Liz?" Somehow i manage to keep my voice calm.
"Were you crying?" Shit! I forgot i am talking to a psychiatrist and she would know i am not okay.
"Uh-uh no, i am okay." I say sniffling and i bite my lower lip to keep myself from sobbing.
"In most cases, 'i am okay' is a call for help." I bat my eye lids severally. "Where are you?"
"Home with my family...i am just so excited and yes i was crying."
"Why were you crying?" A therapist will always be a therapist, i guess?
"Excitements." I try to sound excited but i fail terribly at it. I am so broken to fake excitement.
"You don't sound excited...you sound broken. So broken." She really is talented in her field of work.
"Why would i be broken? If anything i am so happy that after three long ass years, i am finally free and i can be with my family again." I swallow dryly. What family?
I have these feelings that they are not okay. So many things are not adding up. We have the best fire brigades in the state and everything in the entire house was burnt to ashes, how? None of them managed to escape the fire?
I can't live to wait for the bad news.
"I need your address." I think for a second.
"Okay," i say before giving her the address. Our address, she won't find anyone there, only an empty house with no sign of life.
I start sobbing heavily and painfully when she hangs up and something strikes me when i see a notebook and a pen at the night stand, i pluck a page and sit down to write a note for Nick or whoever will find it first.
Dear, you
When i lost Bella and my biological mother.
I was so broken, life was so meaninglessness
Everything was fading to black and
There was no light ahead.
I lost hope and the meaning of life.
I wanted to die and be with them but i
didn't know how to end my life...
I was little by then. I was just five.
But then i met Elsa and for the first time in two months, i smiled.
Life gave me a second chance and a
second family.
I know how it feels to lose your entire
family
I don't want to go through that again.
I will be so broken and i will never live
with the pain.
