Under My Skin

Moving Too Fast

"No, it's... really not that bad"

"Promise?"

"I promise" he gave a chuckle and set his hand down over my leg, thumb running gently side to side above my knee "I uh... I'm really glad I can touch you... it sucked at first, all I wanted was to touch you, I thought you were so handsome.."

"...handsome? You thought I was handsome..?"

"Of course I did, Man." Man. What does that mean? What the hell kind of signal is this boy trying to send? "I liked how your shirts were always buttoned up to your eyeballs, and you ironed your clothes every day... it's cute. I'm glad we're at a place where I can touch you, I love to touch you, you're my buddy..."

buddy... cool... I have no idea what he's trying to get at. It's alright, though, I'm used to being oblivious. I just know it feels good to have his hands on me. I never thought I would let anyone touch me ever again. But I like it when he touches me, I like the warmth of his body, I like the way he's so gentle when he touches me. He's sweet to me, he always makes sure I'm comfortable. If anyone's going to touch me, I'm glad it's him.

"...You're my buddy, too" I bit down on my bottom lip, almost disappointed.

"Good. I'm glad."

I gave a nod, shoving a slice of apple into my mouth.

"I don't have class today, so I can stay with you all day.."

"I.. I don't need you to stay... I'm rested"

"I'd like to stay, honestly... I'd just worry all day."

"You'd worry about me..?"

"Of course, I would. I worry about you all the time."

"....Why?"

"B'cause. You're my friend."

"..I've never had anyone to worry about me... Other than Adelaide. You're the only person that doesn't stick around out of guilt..."

"Adelaide doesn't stay because of guilt, she loves you... I love you. You're my best friend."

"...Thanks" I let out a soft sigh.

If I'd known Connor's lips longed to admit affections just the same as mine did, I would have told him a long time ago. But I can't imagine a world in which he'd want anything to do with this. I can't imagine a world in which anyone would want anything to do with this. I'm a mess. I always have been, I always will be. I'm not easy to love. I have to live my life under the assumption that I'm not going to be loved. I have to assume I'll live out my days here, alone. It's a fair assumption to make. Still, I'm only human. Despite all my problems, I crave what everyone else craves. I want to be loved. So badly. I'm a broken person that longs to be healed. But I don't think I ever will be.
It's not anybody else's job to heal me. It isn't anybody's responsibility. But I know I won't get anywhere on my own. I've been going nowhere for four years. I'm tired of going nowhere. And god, I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of waking up from nightmares and trying to soothe myself back to sleep, caressing my own hair and pretending it's somebody else. I'm tired of being alone with my thoughts at every moment of every day. I'm tired of sending myself into panics and having nobody to take care of me, I'm tired of feeling like people only talk to me out of guilt. Because they're afraid I'll off myself if they don't. I'm tired of all of it. Perhaps Adelaide does really love me, but I know she's scared of me killing myself. I can sense the weight on her shoulders, the responsibility she feels. I hate it. I don't know if she'd still be here if she weren't just worried I'd kill myself.

I don't want her to stay out of guilt. I have enough guilt in my life, I don't want her to stay because of it.
I want love, real love, somebody who's around me because they truly want to be. Whether Adelaide loves me now or not, it started as a moral obligation to her. I don't want that, I want somebody to be with me for me, not my issues.