I'm sick. I caught a cold, which I'm blaming on the over-exertion and mental stress I've been going through over applying for research with my favorite professor.
This week alone I spent hours working on my personal statement to go with my application, and my resume. I've had people from the career center read it, PhD students read it, and some of my dearest friends read it.
It has been a while since I have wanted something so badly that I will fight for it.
Am I overreacting? Probably. Do I care? No.
It's the first time I've done something like this without my family's prompting, and the first time I've genuinely felt the need to get experience. I actually used to be afraid of research, but I'm so desperate to get in with this professor because I want to be his TA and grade and teach his class and have him pay for my PhD.
I want to prove myself to him so, so badly. So badly that it hurts on the inside. And I have to keep reminding myself that if I don't get it, I don't get it —the Lord has a different plan for me.
Really, I should be appreciative towards the people that are helping take care of me right now. My ROTC friend and my accounting buddy are watching out for me. And I really appreciate it.
The ROTC guy, who is my ECE mentor of sorts, has been taking notes for me in my classes and is making sure I'm caught up for our test on Monday. He's also being really aggressive about me resting.
Literally today: "Go rest, you have two weeks worth of absences you can take in emag. I will take notes for you, and if it makes you feel better I'll even write down all the crazy stupid analogies Dr. Martin comes out with"
This guy is my hero.
Then my accounting buddy is also being incredibly kind. Since he doesn't want me to get sick for a month and a half again he's making sure I'm getting the right medicines and treatment, and he picked me up from the electrical engineering building today after my tour so I wouldn't have to walk back in the rain/snow.
And he keeps asking how I'm doing.
Honestly it's really nice for people to want me to get better.
I thought I should also let you guys know that I broke up with Nick. I felt like I was leading him on, because I need to heal emotionally first before I carry on a relationship with another guy.
And honestly, the only guy I could see myself even potentially dating at the moment (and I'm not saying that I would get into a relationship with him, because I have a long way to go before that), is figuring out his own place in a relationship. I see him doing stuff on tinder a lot, and it breaks my heart because I genuinely think he needs to be finding his place as an ECE first and healing from the wounds of last semester. (Yes, I know I said I wouldn't date an ECE ever again but we are very, very compatible)
But I won't tell him that, because I'm biased and I feel as though it's something he needs to figure out for himself.
You see, he likes this girl and she's got a lot of spunk and energy, but her heart isn't always in the right place. And I was standing in line to go get food with the guy the other day the girl and some of her friends come up behind us. Then they're just casually joking about things that are making me extremely uncomfortable, because what they're joking about is something that has been extremely damaging to both the guy and myself at times. And I don't think he even sees that as he's kinda laughing with them.
I play it off as being exhausted from tutoring, but honestly watching that made me sad. It makes me sad because the guy who was like my steady partner in crime has kinda gone off the face of the earth.
I don't get to hear about his hopes and dreams for ECE anymore and it makes me sad. Because I want to hear those things. And it hurts that he's just kinda gone POOF gone into thin air. Or at least he feels emotionally distant even though the other day when I was crying in the middle of the night about this grant he comforted me.
I miss my best friend guys.
And honestly, I have to be patient and it's tough. He hasn't even come to my table to do real circuits this semester and I'm crying inside...because I want to do circuits with someone.
I mean, I even went to the circuits 2 professor to prepare for people who needed to be tutored.
It is their decision whether they want to come or not. I am doing my best to make sure the services of the organization I tutor with are being promoted, and that I am taking my job seriously.
I mean it guys. I really do mean it.
I also wrote my ECE creed on my whiteboard and I look at it a lot. I need the encouragement, a lot. For those of you who don't know what I mean...
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Yeah, I know, it's a dark photo. I'm decompressing from this week and laying in the dark is helpful.
Next week is going to be tough. I'm going to need this encouragement a lot. Mostly because I have a test in accounting and a test in signals, both of which are on Monday and Tuesday. I also am going to go visit one of my ECE mentors in his PhD presentation to go support him, and I've been asked to read my poetry at an event.
Thanks for reading this guys, I really do appreciate that you guys have faith in me when I don't necessarily have faith in myself. I hope, someday, that I will feel better about what I'm doing and that I will love who I am.
But it's going to take a long time to get there. For now, all I can ask is that you be patient with me for the ride.
