Yeah, I know.
The current lack of sleep is not the best for me right now.
But even though it's the middle of the night I just need to rant and cry and scream again and I just want someone to hear and feel my pain without me feeling guilty about putting it out there. Because I feel guilty even writing this and seeking help. I just want to scream and I just want to be left alone.
To be honest guys, I'm so sick and tired of covid-19. I want it to burn. Just let me fucking get sick and get it over with. Let all the dumbasses who don't want to wear their mask get sick. I'm so done with it. I'm so done with seeing #carenough or #alonetogether. Like I respect the essential workers, which I know some of you guys are, but I'm honestly so hurt right now that I don't know how much more I can take at the moment.
For those of you who read what I do, and thus know about everything that happened to me in the fall, you need to know this:
My life started to repair itself in the spring, and I thought I had finally reached a place where things were looking up. I got a therapist and I started working through a lot of my emotional issues with Daan and my family and my place in life. I started to make friends and I felt alright. The days where I felt like a failure started to disappear and I'd sit in the library with Austin and get coffee with my accounting buddy. There were still things I needed to work on, but I was starting to become steady, stable.
And then one magical day this fucking virus escaped containment in California.
I didn't take it all that seriously. I remember asking my circuits professor what was important about it and him responding about the stock market and supply chain and stuff. But like really snarky and funny.
And then, all of a sudden, the life that I had known just vanished.
Everyone started wondering if we were having spring break, or class after spring break for that matter. My parents wouldn't leave me alone about it, even though all I wanted was just to shut it all out and focus on being in Clemson. They kept pestering me when I just wanted it to go the fuck away.
I went from having a normal life to having to suffer through doing all of my difficult electrical engineering classes online. With professors who were ready to fail me at the tip of a hat, who didn't give a shit if I had technical difficulties. Unless it was their problem, I'm just an untrustworthy piece of crap. Who gives a shit about evidence right? Or exams that are fair?
I had to tell my parents I had a job as a tutor, a job that I was keeping secret from them because of how awful they were about me teaching people in the fall. It's been alright, but hearing this "I'm scared about this tutoring thing" is pissing me off.
We lost Friday tours. And I went from four students to one. The lifeblood I had in my major was gone. In fact, even though I'm doing tutoring this summer I still feel like it's gone.
I feel like everything is gone right now and nobody gives a shit. All I can hear in my head is this callous voice on repeat just like "your feelings don't matter...your feelings don't matter."
I mean, it's been months since I did anything legitimately helpful electrical engineering wise. I just tell the same fucking stories about my sophomore year expecting things to be better eventually. And again and again I keep getting let down. Covid gets worse, our country is a boiling pot ready to explode in civil war, and because I'm a fucking conservative I have no voice in anything anymore.
I mean, I thought about typing about my thoughts and research that I've done on the first amendment and what it means and stuff, but if I so much as breathe my thoughts out loud I'm going to be socially ostracized by everyone. Some of you probably read the sentence above and thought I'm a horrible person.