You know guys, I know that there's people out there who are going through a lot worse than I am right now, but boy do I have issues.
I really try my best to help lift up and support others with what I can teach them, be it life stories or inspiration, or even just the truth.
So I'm sorry I'm saying things about how rough things are once again. But I need to get out the internal screaming.
Lemme just list the things that are bothering me, and tell you guys why I'm disturbed:
1. I miss being upstate with my ECE family. But that one is a fucking given, since all I ever do is talk about the boys which makes people around me annoyed.
2. I like a guy who I'm convinced doesn't like me back. All my other friends who have seen us together and say he's into me. But I get mixed signals. And honestly, even though I really like him like that, I'm afraid to date him because physical touch and affection are difficult for me. Plus I don't think I'm ready to date again anyways.
3. Physical touch and affection are difficult for me. I love to be hugged, but I get scared of asking to be held in any way. Giving kisses really isn't my style. My father has an issue with me not giving him affection like that, but it hurts my soul to ask for it. And that's not even mentioning sex.
4. I'm afraid of sex, of saying the word even. Yeah, writing this makes me uncomfortable but I'm powering through it. Problem is, Daan was the one who made me afraid of it. Because me being in love with him hurt me so badly.
5. I'm still bleeding inside over an ex who broke up with me almost a year ago (Daan). I only dated him for a semester guys, but everything with him, the fall, the department and his mother still hurts me. I saw his picture the other day when I was sending one of my boys stuff about hand making ravioli. And it hurt to see his face, because I remembered how much it meant for me to have him at the house making pasta with my family.
6. I've been told numerous times that I need to forgive him. I earnestly do, guys. I don't want to feel like crap any time I think about him. Plus, it's the catholic thing to do. As Christians we're called to forgive. And honestly it's a problem to me that I can't at this point, because I want to forgive him for God.
7. Going to church is a thing now, but I'm struggling with the willpower to go, to pray. And I feel wrong about it and I know I shouldn't be doing a disservice to God like that. I'm just ready for this COVID thing to end because it's hurt all of us so much. And I feel like I understand why God would do something like this to us, but it hurts because I miss my life.
8. I'm struggling with the willpower to do things in general. I've been playing video games but I really want to be dedicating myself to ECE. I want to write those circuits manuals and start electronics, but it's tough to get the willpower to get out of bed or off my DS. I'm struggling with motivation.
9. On that note, I also feel like all of the effort that I do is kind of in vain. Like I want to make a difference in people's lives, and sometimes I feel like I've deluded myself into thinking that I'm making a difference with these ECE people. Does it matter that I do the things I do? Or am I just being an immature girl who thinks she's being helpful. Sometimes I think industry would be easier and that I should just settle for that.
10. I've forgotten how to be social. I don't invite people to my house often because it scares me and is a lot of effort. But now that I want them to come over I'm struggling with what to do. Like paint with my next door neighbor? And make pasta with my fellow Charlestonian ECE people? Scary. Not to mention the fact that even if I made pasta I can't eat it because of diets...
11. I'm overweight and I hate it. But I also love food. Enough said.
12. I feel like the amount of issues I have scares people away. It scared Daan away. He literally said "I can't keep up with your rapid life, it's just not my style." When he broke up with me over text. I feel like me being nerdy and stuff scares people away. Why would you ever want to associate with the nerdy, needy Pokémon girl who doesn't know how to keep her mouth shut about ECE? Like why can't I just do what normal people do, and go through life where the most important thing to me is how many followers I have on Instagram.
13. My father thinks our relationship is unsalvageable and that I just see him as a checkbook to get through college. I have a lot of issues with him, enough that I could probably write a legitimate book, but even if there's a lot of pain between us, I want him to respect and love me. Which means not be an asshole when I have issues happening and taking a vested interest in what interests me. So like finally saying yes when I say "let me teach you circuits".
14. Ngl sometimes I don't feel cut out to be an electrical engineer. I thought I'd grown past these invalidating thoughts after Brandon's thing of being like "the only reason you can do circuits is because of Daan". But honestly guys, people look at the stuff I do, think I'm smart because I'm struggling though it, and tell me that I'm good because I'm passionate. But being passionate doesn't mean that you're good. Sometimes, I feel like a fraud, but I try my best to push through it.
So yeah, that's what's going on. I had a really rough night last night and now the doubt has seeped in.
I'm sorry for telling y'all all of this, but I needed to get it out. I'm lonely because of covid and shook by something really difficult that I heard.
I hope y'all are doing alright. I'm gonna go to bed now, but I thank you for reading,
Sorry it was bad stuff and not good.