Thoughts on Holidays

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Hey y'all,

It's been a while. Sorry it's been so long, and I'm especially sorry that I haven't updated Finding Red. Let's just say I'm kinda playing a real life Crystal at the moment, and am out discovering the world.

Life has been hectic, but I thought I'd take a moment and kind of share some of my thoughts.

So recently I held this massive dinner for my ECE boys. And I mean it was MASSIVE. There was 36 hours of cooking, preparing my boyfriend and best friend's apartment, and hosting people. I had to learn how to cook a turkey and coordinate dishes and send out invitations. To be honest y'all it was the first ever dinner party I held.

And let me tell you what, I feel like I learned something from it

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And let me tell you what, I feel like I learned something from it.

See the point behind this whole dinner party was that right now my ECEs have been suffering...greatly. They've multiple had assignments  due every MWF that they can't miss and are constantly doing work for this one class (signals, systems, and transforms). And unfortunately, I have not been able to teach them like I wish I could. So, I figured that I would give them a time to sit down, relax, and enjoy themselves for a few hours without having to worry about the noise of the world around them.

It was surprising what happened while I was there.

I discovered that the holidays are really about trying to take some time aside to just enjoy other people's company, and create something special with your time.

I mean, that might not be a revelation to you guys, but it definitely is to me. My family holidays have just been packed with arguing, fights, and animosity for years. To be honest, besides getting presents on Christmas, I have trouble remembering a holiday where I just got to relax and be perfectly honest and open. I can't remember a holiday where I wasn't stressed. Maybe I'm just focusing on the negatives, but I can't remember being truly at ease during a holiday before I came to America.

And so, it was rather surprising to me to find out that the reason adults spend so much time doing things like decorating, cooking, holding parties etc. is to spend time with each other where it's enjoyable.  Like people actually do things like thanksgiving and Christmas to be close to each other and enjoy a special time with decorations.

Today I wrapped presents for my boyfriend and best friend and put this tiny tree into their living room. It's the photo that's the header. It's a pitiful tree, nothing particularly special, but it's our tree. It's in an apartment (which is really more like a home at this point) which is filled with love. And I know that I'm going to celebrate with people I love.

That's what holidays are about. Quality time with people I love.

And I think that's been what I've been missing for so many years. Time where I feel like I'm at ease with the people I love.

So yeah, that's some thoughts I have on that subject. I genuinely feel like I've been missing out on something great. And it pains me to say that my blood family makes me feel alone during the holidays.

But hey, that's the saying isn't it: the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.

It hurts me to say that my people in college sometimes act like more of a family to me than my actual family, but it's true. I have actually chosen to have a small Christmas with the people most important to me before I go home and have all the arguments. Part of it feels good (and extremely liberating), but another part of it is heartbreaking.

I honestly wish I could feel at ease with my family and feel holidays are the way they are supposed to be, but I just can't. And that's hard. Because I want to.

Anyways, regardless of the tough thanksgiving I had at home and the most likely tough Christmas I'll have at home, the holidays I'm spending with the people who matter to me are important. And so I just want to tell you guys, if there's someone who is really important, try to make time to spend with them and maybe even try to get them something they'll like..

Yes, I get there's a pandemic going on, but honestly it will be good for you. Every single one of my boys took that risk when they showed up to eat dinner, and I'll tell you because I was told, every single one of them said they needed that time.

I don't know what's going on in y'all's lives, but I just want you guys to know that you are loved and that there are people around you who care.

I'm sorry if it's been tough. It's been tough for me too. But you guys can get through it. Just stay strong, ok?

I hope all of you are surviving the best you can.

With love,
Blue

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