Yeah, weep woop, here's a second random book update for the day. Yeah, I know, uncharacteristic, but oh well.
I've decided to take the B in emag and pass/fail that sucker. Thank you to you all for helping give me some advice and reassuring me in my decisions.
Anyways, I'm gonna rant.
You know, with coronavirus, I've just tried to accept it as an "it is what it is" type of situation. Like don't get me wrong, it sucks ass, but there's nothing I can do about it so there's no use in paying attention to it.
As y'all know, I hole myself in the upstairs of my house during the week and then come to my grandparents every so often to get away on the weekends.
Well, nana and gumpa like to watch the news. Personally, I've never been a fan. Like yeah, I know you're supposed to be politically active and vote for what you want and stuff, but I find that watching the news makes me hurt. It brings me fear pretty much no matter what I read or watched, and I don't particularly feel that is productive towards me and ECE and my social relationships during normal life.
So naturally, after an entire day of trying to rest myself (since yesterday I went from like 11 am to 7pm pretty much) I was starting to feel pretty good until they turned on the news. And then I hear all this stuff about states trying to open up. And mentally I'm just like "don't fucking tell me you're gonna open up, until I get to go outside". And yeah, I know I'm cursing, but honestly screw false hope.
I don't like to hear nonsense about protests for something that isn't going to change. Because my one hope right now is that things are gonna be better in the fall. All I tell myself to get through these hell weeks of finals and stress and the end of the semester, is that it's all going to be worth it in the fall when I have the best professor in the department for random signal analysis and electronics. I hold out hope for that. For the possibility of getting to do electronics and to enjoy ECE because circuits. I denied myself a circuits class this semester guys, so I could get the most difficult classes out of the way.
And now, my fear is that I won't even see that in the fall.
Because my grandparents put on the damned news and I heard about institutions closing in Vermont. As someone who wants to teach electrical engineering someday, it's downright depressing to hear things about schools closing. But even more so, it shakes my faith that things are gonna get better in the future. I already lost even the remote possibility of doing the research I wanted to do, and now I'm scared about this. I'm scared about the anger of my father and the depression it looks like is going to hit the country.
For me, I just try to pretend like it's all right by keeping myself busy. And pretend like my efforts towards the department matter, so that someday they might.
I hate the news guys, it leaves me nothing but fear and frankly it makes me sad. I may be 20 now, so I'm an adult, but it's in times like these that I feel like a child. Where eating Schnitzel with my grandparents is supposed to make me feel better about the sheer amount of stress stampeding through my doors.
I'm scared guys. This is the week before finals, and then we have finals and that's it. I can't wait until my rest, until I am allowed to finally enjoy myself for a little while. But I'm sad, and I haven't fully gotten out all of the sadness I'm holding inside, because how could I? It goes on every day. Mentally, "it is what it is" gets me through the days, but in those other moments, you really do wonder...
Anyways, thanks for reading my rant. I know it was brief but I feel bad about the constant "ECE this" and "ECE that".
The one other thought that's getting me through this semester is the joy at the ability to finally write thank you emails to my mentors/professors. I know my circuits professor is going to get one, but I'm still debating about whether or not Reid would want one as well. Thoughts? You think he would be happy to hear or it would bother him?
Y'all stay safe, and try to avoid the news if you can. It's depressing and it isn't gonna help you. Try your best to invest your time in new things, or if you ever want to learn circuits, I would gladly teach you.
Love you all.