This is the random book entry in which Blue explains why she cried and sat in the corner today.
Turn back now if you're not ready for my depression. Because oh has it arrived.
Like really, you'd think I'd be happy I'm back home right? I've got some cool af people here like nana and gumpa and the queen Lien herself. I even have some of my EE peeps like Austin and Sheldon (technically he's a CPE but he's coming to EE soon and that amuses me so much).
I mean my dad even offered to wire cable to my room so I can tutor effectively.
I have hallmark, I got a new writing idea that's pretty slick (but I'd probably update FR first because I feel obligated), I have my Xbox and I'm even allowed to go walk around as long as I'm not coming in contact with people.
So then why did I start sobbing?
Well, my university told us all classes are e-learning for the rest of the semester.
And honestly it hurts my soul. Because I feel trapped.
I feel trapped in my house where every move I make is questioned by my mother. She can't help it, but I feel like I'm not free to be myself. And I feel like every time my father comes home we're standing at the attention of the colonel (not that he's actually military or anything) because an hour before he comes home we're scrambling to make sure everything is perfect before he arrives. And then everyone is on edge, waiting for if he's ok or not for like 30 min after.
And I'm about to have to start ECE online. Which we have videos and stuff but engineering is not something that I'm accustomed to doing by myself. I work as a team with others. It's what I do. And I thrive on social situations.
Honestly, I'm mad depressed about not having classes. Like I am gonna miss my ECE mentor/good friend Austin, because I got to see him every day and annoy him every day. And I miss hearing him tell me to calm down just as infuriating as it is. I am gonna miss seeing my accounting buddy every day and going out for coffee and getting cinnamon rolls.
I am gonna miss seeing the IEEE president every Tuesday/Thursday and have my dipshit best friend visit my tutoring hours on Wednesday/Thursday. I'm gonna miss my tutoring mentor every Wednesday. I'm even gonna miss the sarcastic, cynical EE guy who hangs out with me most days of the week. I am gonna miss giving tours and seeing my students. I'm even going to miss the sound of my cowboy boots clicking loudly down the EE building. I'm even gonna miss the crazy random amount of people I see around campus.
I'm also gonna miss my professors. For those of you who hear my weekly department stories, it's going to be legitimately hard to not have that. Like not seeing the ridiculousness of my computer organization professor every Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday is gonna make me sad. I'm gonna miss the random times I see him on library bridge and try to make his day by waving and saying hi.
I'm also gonna miss my weekly visits with my circuits professor (not that I'm in his class anymore, but I really think that man should just hire me because we would make an amazing team). You know, the man really does give me hope for the future and for the department. There's nothing quite like an old man agreeing with you about how much emag sucks or that his TI-89 from high school isn't working the way it should be. Or being called stand up comedy for that matter. All you know, while making up circuits problems weekly as a reason to visit.
But I'm sad that it's all coming to an end because the entire world is going batshit insane about a virus. I mean, it's not like they don't have a right to, I can understand where the panic comes from. But, I had a life up there. I had an apartment and routine and friends. I could play Professor Blue with my students and give them everything they needed (you know, so long as I was flying under my boss's radar because I did not want to incur her wrath). And I wasn't interfered with. And I wasn't afraid to say who I really was and my hopes and dreams.
I had an entire group of people pulling for my success with getting hired for a certain professor's research.
And then corona took that from me. Now I'm at home, and everything I say and do is monitored. I can't leave the house without being questioned and I most certainly can't eat without that either.
And I can't study or see my professors or friends. I'm not around the ECE family, working towards furthering our cause and all of that. Heck, I can't even see my therapist (because Blue has to go to therapy too).
I feel sad, trapped, and panicked. I want to see all of my friends again. And I'm sick and tired of hearing all the fear about this dumb disease.
I'm sick and tired of hearing the monotonous blare of Fox News coming from my mother's bedroom as she actively terrifies herself daily. I'm tired of hearing people talk about IT. I just want to go outside, teach some students, and not think about how I'm about to have to go work at my father's hellhole of a company over the summer.
I'm not even allowed to escape to my grandparents. And I doubt I'm allowed to go see friends. And I want to teach someone circuits, but I don't know if it's possible.
I feel like shit guys. And I know I have it a lot better than some people, so I should be grateful, but I still feel like shit.
So yeah, this is the one in which Blue confesses that she's not ok, and doesn't feel comfortable in the place she's supposed to call home.
I'll probably be alright again tomorrow, or at least I'll pretend like I am. But for now, I'm not.
I hope y'all feel better than I do. But if you don't, that's ok. You have every right to be mad at the world. All I want to do right now is scream, but I can't do that because I'm trapped indoors. So I think this will have to suffice for my internal screaming.
Thank you all for being supportive as always. And thanks to those of you who actually read and commented on this.