Also sapphiregrace1224 if you could read just to know, because I love ya hon and I want you to know about the shit that's going on...
I'm sorry. I don't meant to go absent during the semester...it's just...engineering school. It's tough.
And to everyone reading this, please just know, it's tough.
I want to tell you guys what's going on, what's hurting me and draining me right now in my life, what's fulfilling me.
So no matter how brief this is, please know I still care about you guys it's just been a lot.
1) I have a new boyfriend
I really, really, really like this guy. He's like no one I've ever met before. He takes care of me, respects me, is good to me, looks out for me. I feel as though we do well together and honestly us as an item is really special. I feel like people are sick and tired of hearing about him, but honestly it's because I've never had a guy who wants to do things like open the door for me and make sure that it's not just me who is giving. He asks what I'm thinking and values my opinion and helps support me when I support my ECE boys. I really couldn't have asked for anyone better in my life. So I'm really thankful for him right now, because he helps me get through all of the shit that's happening right now.
2) ECE is a fucking dumpster fire
3/4 of the department failed this really important exam and the professors are taking it (and pay cuts and the like) out on people. They've decided that we don't understand the material well enough, so the obvious solution to that is to yank the difficulty of the courses up to 200%. I'm suffering, my boys are suffering. Everyone is suffering and it hurts because there's nothing I can do except cook and tell them that I wish I could help them, which hurts me because that is my purpose in EE — to help others through. I've only really had circuits students recently and it's killed me inside. Tbh semesters like this make me question why the fuck I'm even doing this major, but then I see stuff like I did today and realize I have a job to do. Which is to form support networks so people can at least get some help. Because damn it's hard to watch my students suffer.
3) My family continues to be assholes
My father is being my father as always, enough said. But also my grandfather is putting a lot of pressure on me right now that I don't need. And it hurts and it's hard and I just want to vanish.
Fuck covid tbh I just want to see it burn. Earnestly though, when I'm sitting on the porch of my EE student's apartment listening to him play guitar, I forget that the world isn't in such a fucking mess. It almost seems normal. And then I'm pulled for shit like mandatory covid testing and all I hear and read about in the news and from the university is social distancing. And honestly y'all, I'm fucking tired. I'm so fucking tired of it. It doesn't feel real anymore. I just want it to end and I really don't understand why God persists in this. The only thing that is getting me through all this is because legit my boyfriend, my student, and I are like fucking family at this point and weather pretty much every day of this shit together.
5) Bill Reid
That man and his conspiracy theories ironically enough are the only things that make me feel like a student anymore. He's absolutely hilarious and honestly I'm very appreciative of the fact that he exists and cares about everyone.
6) Lack of Motivation
Tbh the mental game is what's killing me right now. I literally have no energy to watch and/or retain any of my lectures anymore. I take 0s on assignments because I just can't be bothered anymore.
7) Exhaustion and personal issues
There's a lot of personal issues going on with pretty much everyone who matters to me and tbh y'all it's exhausting. I'm exhausted. So yeah, this is the end of this entry I'm sorry for the abruptness but I just needed to get out something. Some of the hurt. I'm so tired and I just want to scream.