Sam and Colby: The Asylum

Chapter 31

"Perfect. That list of code's got the sheriff's number right up top. We've got an extra shift worker down at the station in case something happens and y'all need any help. Y'all got some racoons, foxes, and coyotes down here. Black bears and wolves too, if they've managed to get through the fence. Pretty shitty fence, though, so I'd be prepared. Just black bears, though. Y'all know how to handle them?" asked Bates.

"Um...," Sam said.

"Yes sir! Sure do! I'll show them," I yelled from the backseat. Bates squatted down and looked into the car to see me. He smiled.

"Well, at least one of y'all knows what you're doin'," he laughed. "I'm just kiddin'. You'll be just fine. Have fun and be safe, kids," Bates said, standing back up and slapping the roof of the car. "I'll open this guy up for you, but the codes on there will let you come and go as you please," he said. Bates walked over toward the gate and typed in a code on an old keypad atop a small pole, and the gate creaked loudly before slowly rolling open.

"Thanks, y'all. Go ahead and call Sheriff Bell if there's any problems. Have a good stay. Oh, and you didn't hear it from me, but there's legend of old tunnels connecting those first three buildings underground. Don't know if it's true, don't know where they are, but I have a feeling there might be some truth behind that," Bates said, walking back by our car to get to his own.

"Thank you!" Sam called out to him. We slowly drove through the open gate and Corey hopped out once we were on the other side to type in the code to close it again.

"Okay, Mom. What do I do when Smokey the Bear comes at me in the middle of the night?" asked Jake.

"First of all, they're only attracted to the smell of food and don't even want to interact with humans. But if you do happen to see one, there's a couple things. If they're far away, look them in the eye and slowly back up, speaking to it in a calm tone, just saying things. They can detect the calm tone in your voice. Don't look away from them. If they just watch you walk away, you're all set and they'll just ignore you once they think the distance is sufficient. If they're close up, it's a really simple task but very difficult to do while you're scared. You need to do that thing where you make yourself look as big as possible. If it starts walking even closer to you, and ONLY if you are certain that it's a black bear, you can yell at it. Like, tell it to get out of here or back off or something. Again, they should leave. If they don't, and it comes at you, you can fight back. Black bears don't like confrontation," I said.

"What if it's not a black bear?" asked Corey.

"Then do basically the opposite. Don't run, don't yell, don't look them in the eye, and don't back up. You have to stand your ground. Do that calm talking thing again, and slowly raise your arms out to let it know you're a human," I said.

"So T-pose at a grizzly bear," Corey said. I laughed.

"Sure. But if he comes at you, you're sort of screwed. You cannot outrun a grizzly bear, and they can swim and climb a tree faster than you can. If he charges, drop to the ground. Lay on your stomach or curl up on your side and cover your face and head with your hands. If you're wearing a backpack or something, pull that over the back or side of your head for an extra layer of protection," I said.

"And for a wolf?" asked Jake.

"Same thing as a black bear. Except you can climb a tree to get away from a wolf. Coyotes you can throw shit at and scream at. They're just like a medium sized dog. They know they can't really hurt you," I said. "You guys never ran into bears and stuff in Kansas?" I asked.

"Dude. There's nothing in Kansas," said Sam. I laughed.

"Fair. I also lived on an isolated goat farm. Well, I'm sure we'll be fine. He didn't even say there were grizzlies. But black bears are going to be significantly smaller than grizzlies. Grizzly bears have that big hump on their back in between their shoulders and you shouldn't be able to see almost any of the bear's back. If it's a black bear, you can see their back and their hips are a little higher than their shoulders, so you should be able to see it's butt," I said.

"Black bears be thick with three c's, grizzly bears be like the Hunchback of Notre Dame. Got it," said Jake.

"Sure," I said. "Just don't go anywhere alone and black bears probably won't even bother if there's more than one of us," I said.

"Jesus, that guy just trusted you to tell us all of that? That seems like pretty important stuff," Sam said.

"Like I said. Probably won't even be an issue. Foxes and coyotes will just bitch out if you yell or throw something at them. Wolves will leave if you yell at them or start to physically fight back after they make the first move. Black bears won't bother wasting their energy on you, and grizzlies won't attack if you stand your ground and make it obvious that you're human. Probably. This is all probably," I said, not feeling the need for Colby to blame me if Corey's dumb ass gets attacked by a grizzly bear in the middle of the night.

"Wilderness Survival: Mom Edition," Jake said.

"Moms are supposed to protect their young. I expect nothing less," said Corey.

"Oh, shit. That's a good point. It's mating season, isn't it?" I asked.

"Why the fuck would any of us have any clue when bear mating season it," said Colby.

"Right. Yes. It's mating season. Which is more dangerous than when the cubs are actually born in January," I said.

"How is that more dangerous?" asked Sam.

"Because the males are aggressive during mating season and the females are aggressive after completed reproduction. And males are more dangerous," I said.

"Hell, yeah we are!" yelled Jake.