Sam and Colby: The Asylum

Chapter 24

I'd been on a fair amount of planes before, but I'd never been so excited for a destination. Maybe that's why I was so nervous. I don't know why, but I was freaking out. Like, about to have a panic attack. I closed my eyes and tried to breathe. I guess Colby saw me, pressing my back into my seat, my eyes shut, taking shaky deep breaths. He reached over and held my hand, tightly. It almost hurt, but it was the perfect amount of force I needed to feel safe. I squeezed his hand back, probably harder than he was. I started to shake as the plane gained full speed on the runway.

What was my issue? I never got nervous like this. Maybe I was just nervous about the whole idea of the trip. Like none of it seemed real until now. Yeah, it was that. This all seemed like some crazy dream or lucky chance to meet Colby Brock and all of his friends. But this was one hell of a big step behind just meeting or even going home with him. This was crazy. I was invited to join them in doing what they were most passionate about, what they cared the most about, what they used to put their lives and freedom on the line for. This was their thing. This was their life. And they had all wanted me to be a part of it.

Right before the wheels lifted off the ground, Colby whispered to me.

"Nessa. It's okay. I know this is probably really wild for you. I know that it was a short notice like Sam said, and I'm sorry I didn't ask you sooner. I would have if I had known you sooner or, you know, been aware of the trip before last week. But I invited you for a reason. Because I like having you with me. I want to know you. I want my friends to know you. And there's no better way to get to know someone than to be around them when their emotions are about as raw as they're going to get. And when you're testing your beliefs about life and religion and the idea of spirits or an afterlife or demons or ghosts or whatever you want to call them, and you're sitting in a dark room scared shitless, your emotions are pretty raw.

"That's why I said that when we were in Taco Bell. It really is scary. It's terrifying. But it's also so, so incredible. It's so amazing to be able to push the boundaries of physicality and the idea of life and death. It's so... I don't know. It's almost unexplainable, it's so surreal to be in that moment and to understand what we're really doing and experiencing. And the second you don't want to be there, the second that you're too uncomfortable to continue doing what we are, we will stop. All of us. I will find something else for us to do or somewhere else to go. The second you ask me to. It's going to be out of your comfort zone. It always will be. It's still out of me and Sam's comfort zones, too. But that's what makes it so remarkable. It teaches you that stepping away from what you know can introduce you to a world, an experience that you would never, ever get to feel or understand unless you do that, unless you make yourself uncomfortable for a little while. But like I said, I'm going to be right next to you the whole time. And I'm going to do everything I can to keep you safe. Through all of it. Every second. We're going to need each other. All five of us. And the guys all know that. They all know that we're going to have to trust each other and look out for one another. And they trust you to do that, just as much as you trust them to.

"I know this is insane considering we've only known each other for a week. But it feels like I've known you for forever. And I want to keep knowing you forever. You're incredible. You're fucking crazy, for starters. And you're so smart, you're absolutely beautiful, and you make me feel a type of happy that no one else has made me feel. It's okay, Vanessa. I promise. Also, we're done taking off and we're in the air now. You're welcome for that distraction. Now let's stop cutting off each other's circulation, yeah?" he asked, holding up our hands that were still tightly holding each other. I didn't say anything. What the fuck was I supposed to say to all of that? I let his hand go and set it in my lap. I just stared down at my feet.

Colby was completely right. This was wild, but it was going to open my eyes to a whole new idea, going to give me a whole new perspective on life. And I believed him, I really did, when he said he was going to keep me safe. If I wanted to leave, he would leave with me. I was okay. I had Colby. And I had the rest of the guys. I would be okay. I was okay.

I let myself relax. My entire body had been completely tensed up. I looked out of the window. Colby had distracted me through the entire takeoff, and then continued until we weren't sharply angled upward. God, he was amazing. If I wasn't already in love with him since the age of 16, I sure was now.

Not real love, though. Right? There was no way. I'd only known the guy for seven days. We'd only hung out for a couple nights and mornings. We'd only kissed five times, only four according to him. I didn't love him. Not yet. That's not how love works. Right? I thought I knew how feelings worked, how to manage my emotions, or at least be able to understand how I felt. But I didn't, anymore. Colby had changed that. Made me feel something new that I wasn't quite familiar with. And he'd said that I made him feel that way, too.

Maybe that was love. Maybe. Not true, deep love, but the start of love. The beginning of falling for each other.