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8. Thoughts

After Yoona's first real encounter with Yoongi, she becomes curious about him. Lately, she's been borrowing her mom's phone to watch video clips of him online. Although Jihyo didn't like it, she cannot voice out her disapproval because she cannot explain the reason to Yoona.

"What are you eagerly watching there, honey?"

Daniel asked one Saturday morning. He normally spends his weekends with his family now that Jihyo chose to permanently stay at Daegu.

"Uncle Daddy, you're back!"

Yoona runs to greet Daniel by the door and spreads her tiny arms for a welcoming hug. 

"Whose idol group is that, puppy?"

"BTS! The uncles who came to our restaurant before."

Daniel met Jihyo's eyes and saw how she's been troubled about it.

"Was that them? But why are you watching them?"

"Because of this uncle (points at Yoongi). He reminds me of Daddy."

"You're Daddy, huh?"

"(nods) Watching him feels like I'm watching my real Daddy."

"Because you resemble him you thought he will also look like your Dad?"

"Yes."

"But your uncles and aunties in our neighborhood say you also look like me. How about face-time me whenever you miss Daddy instead?"

Jihyo from the other side of the room is quietly listening to their conversation. Isn't she too young to look for a father? Considering she grows up with Daniel, how could she realize something's not right in her family? Was she only underestimating her or she's just too smart for her own good?

She recalled when Yoona is still an infant, she swore to love her the best she can so she will grow up full of love. She did everything to raise and provide her the best kind of family she can give in her own means. She grew up in a warm, loving family until her dad died. That's when Jihyo's mom changed horrendously. She promised herself that when the time comes that she becomes a mother, she will never raise her child the same way her mother did. She will provide for all her child's needs however she can and will only love her unconditionally. 

Motherhood is such an overwhelming experience and she can never be grateful enough that she had the Kang family to support her in her journey. From the moment Yoona was born to her first smile. When she starts to toss around and eventually crawl, to her first word and her first successful step, up to her first challenge to make friends; she was there. It has always been her together with Daniel and his parents from the beginning till now. It saddens her that despite all their love, Yoona still seeks her father. The father whom she never met and never been there for her. But can she blame her innocent child?

Because you never gave him a chance, Jihyo, remember?

Her conscience reminded her. Is this the price she needs to pay for all her lies? She knew this day will come but never anticipates it to be this early. She always wishes him the best in life so the heavens will not punish her severely but how come he become successful in life while Yoona develops insecurities because of her mother's bad deed? Isn't it too unfair?

"Uncle Daddy, do you know when will my Daddy comes back?"

Yoona asked after watching Yoongi's video clips.

"You're Daddy? Hmm... I cannot tell either sweetie, but hey! Uncle Daddy is here to play with you while your father is still away."

"I like you a lot, Uncle Daddy, you know that! But I want to meet Daddy too. Do you think... he doesn't love me? Is that why he's not coming back home?"

Yoona suddenly made a sad, teary face, and has  Daniel taken aback. He looks for words to comfort her but doesn't know how to so Jihyo decided to come and aid him.

"Yoona, honey come here. What's the matter?"

"Mommy, does Daddy don't love me anymore?"

"Listen carefully, sweetheart. There are no parents that do not love their child. There are just some unfortunate events that separate a parent from his child but that doesn't mean he will ever forget about his family, much more an angel like you."

"But I miss him so  bad."

"I believe he misses you too, just like how much you miss him. I'm sorry you have to feel this way, love. You're having a hard time because of Mommy, aren't you? Please forgive me, Yoona."

Yoona freed herself from Jihyo's hug and notice the tears in her mom's eyes. She wipes both their tears and beams a smile.

"It's not your fault, Mommy. You are with me so I'm still happy. Just don't leave me like what Daddy did, okay? I love you, mom."

Jihyo burst into tears despite her attempt to brush off her guilt. She grabs her tiny angel and encloses her to her arms. She thought she's doing a great job as a mother but now she realized she's still a failure. She tried her very best, but her best isn't good enough. The only thing that her child wants is her father but she cannot give it to her, not when she knew that it will only be harder for Yoona.

Call me a bad mother, my baby but Mommy will protect you at all cost. He's living in a different world than us and we cannot afford to be with him. I never wish you to grow up under surveillance. I want you to be free from criticism, to grow up as a person of your own. I do not want you to be influenced by other people's opinions about you, no! I'd rather be the villain than the reason for your tears. So, forgive me but I will keep you under my wings for as long as I can.

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