after you left |ai|

1

You were everything to me. You were my source of happiness, the light in my life but now you're gone and I feel empty. It's been a week and I can't seem to function anymore, I struggle to do basic daily things like getting out of bed and making breakfast. I struggle to fall asleep at night with the empty spot where you once slept.

I reach for you every morning only to be faced with a cold empty spot, no soft lips to kiss in the morning or curls to let my fingers run through.

For 7 years, you were the most important thing in my life and you ended it all in 5 minutes. 7 years spend together thrown away in no more than 5 minutes and now you're gone. Moved out of the apartment we shared until a week ago, where we wanted to build a future. Atleast I thought we wanted that but then you told me you fell out of love over 6 months ago, that you fell in love with another woman.

So what were the last 6 months to you? Just a waste of time and to figure out how to break up with me?

I'm still hoping it was all a bad dream, that it didn't really happen and that you will walk in after work and kiss me hello before asking what we would eat for dinner.

11am and I am still sitting in my bed. The blankets still covering my bare legs, my phone in my hand while I scrolled throught the pictures and videos of us. I shouldn't be thinking of you, I should be moving on but we had 7 years together, 15 years of friendship, you threw it all away and left me like I wasn't worth a thing to you anymore. I called in sick at work for the past week, all because of you. I can not go there and act happy, I am no longer able to do the basic things that I did without a problem before you left.

Those years are over now, I'm living in the 'after' now. The trainwreck you left behind, the mess that I am now.

My eyes kept moving over to the empty closet that once held your clothes. I found a shirt that still smelled like you last night, so I washed it, folded it and put it on one of the empty shelves incase you come back.

I don't want you to come back, I don't want you in my life anymore but I do want us back at the same time. I was the us back that we were a year ago. Staying in bed until 1pm on a sunday after you had made me breakfast on bed. We would have tickle wars and I always let you win, because I loved the way you would kiss me after you won. I never realised those faded the past six months. You would go out to run on sunday mornings, atleast that's what you told me at the time. But instead you were in another woman's bed. You were making her breakfast on bed and maybe kiss her the way you kissed me. I never realised that we went out less, that you worked more late hours and that you always had an excuse ready when walking through the front door.

I never realised that you always tried to get out of dinners with my family, that you no longer wanted to go out with my friends. You always said you were just going to stay home and watch the game. Now I know that you had her over. You invited her to our home, our safe spot and our happy place. You kissed her on our couch, you made love to her on our bed and when I came home, I slept in it without knowing what had happened.

And suddenly I felt disgusted again, to sit on my own bed, to sleep where you made love to another woman. And I had no clue.

So I pushed myself out of the bed, I pulled off the sheets and threw them on the pile of clothes I still had to wash.

But I knew that no matter how many times I changed the sheets, it would still feel dirty.

I wiped away the tears that somehow escaped but I hadn't even noticed that I was crying over you again. I looked away from the bed and opened my own closet, I took a pair of shorts and a tank top before putting them on quickly. But when I walked out of the bedroom and into the living room, I was reminded of you again. Of the day we bought that couch, the way we pushed it up the stairs and the sound of laughter that filled the hallway.