what a blesiv - I (unedited)

| f i f t y - f o u r |

My feet are swaying back and forth under my chair, I am finding it almost impossible to sit still right now. It's my third day in the hospital and not a single thing is triggering my memories, which is not only making me severely frustrated but also Alex.

"Just watch this video, it's of me you and Carlos," Alex said shoving his phone in my face for the fifth time in the past two minutes.

I groan pushing it away. "Who's Carlos again?"

He gives me a look like I had just murdered his puppy, and slowly lets the phone drop away from me.

"I'm sorry," I say quickly not even understanding why I'm apologizing, the look on his face made it hard not too.

"No, it's okay. I'm sorry. I just need a minute," he said, turning away from me.

I watch him disappear down the hallway, feeling the emptiness that follows. I really don't know who this boy is, I can't remember one single thing about him yet I find myself feeling safe whenever he is around. He hasn't left my side since I apparently came into the hospital, that means a lot considering Diana hasn't even called me to see how I'm doing.

I stand up finding my way to the door, just needing to do anything else but sit in this room for one more second. The hallways are quite, not a doctor in sight. It's really suspicious but I don't complain considering I can sneak out perfectly right now. I walk down the hallway Alex just disappeared into, smiling at the new surrounds.

I always remembered hating hospitals growing up. The sound of children crying. The instant smell of cleaning products that hit you the second you walk through the door. Everything about it would send chills down my body, yet right now roaming these halls are calming me in a way I never knew I needed.

I find a staircase that has a sign on the side that says 'roof access', and hear the fresh air calling my name. I can't resist the urge, and practically run up the steps. I come to an abrupt stop when I see the familiar figure of Alex standing outside with the phone to his ear.

I push the door open ajar, attempting to listen.

"I know Ma, but I just can't tell her yet." He lets out a soft groan, before running his hands through his hair. "You should of seen her face when I said her mom was dead. It broke my fucking heart. Shit sorry for cursing I'm just so stressed right now. How could something like this happen to me? We just were on our 7th month date talking about what we'd do when we moved in together, now here we are. She doesn't even remember me."

7 months? I feel something click inside. An old light bulb finding the spark after a not being used for awhile. That is the reason I have such an emotional pull towards him, he wa—is my boyfriend.

I quietly shut the door and ran downstairs to my room. I need to think of how I'm going to handle this, something sparked inside but not necessarily memories. I just understand why it always seemed so familiar.

I plop on my bed and feel my heart swell, he didn't show me any pictures of me and him together? How did he know that wouldn't set something off? Why didn't he try? Did he love me? He is talking to his mom about me, of course he did!

The billions of thoughts come to a stop when Alex walks in, "hey sorry about that, I just needed a breather," he said sitting in the chair next to my bed. "What's wrong?" he asks once he looks up and see's my face.

"What? Nothing," I said, feeling the lie show right on my skin.

"Oli-" he went to go call me my name, but know's how upset it gets me. I watched the pained expression on his face as he cleared his throat. "I know you. I know when something is bothering you."

"Nothing is bothering me, I am just tired," I lie, grabbing my phone off the table next to my bed, but Alex snatches it from me.

"You know the rules, no phones," he said sternly.

"What if it sparks something?" I said daring him, begging him to tell me what he really is to me.

"It won't it's just a phone," he says quietly, stuffing it in his pocket.

"Then why can't I have it?" I questioned.

"Be-because," he shuddered, clearly flustered by the questions.

"Or maybe it's because you didn't want me to know that you are my boyfriend," I spit, and watch his face drop. "Why didn't you want me to know?" I question, feeling the unwanted tears brim around the bottom of my eyes.

"What?" He asks, "How did you hear that?" he questioned. "Did you go on your phone?"

"No," I answered honestly. "I heard you talking to your mom." I paused before asking the next question, "did you not tell me because you assumed this was a way out of the relationship?"

"What?" He asked, his eyes locked with mine and the feeling came back. The feeling of safeness, the familiar feeling that I just want to grab onto and hold it until it comes back fully.

"Did you not tell me because you figured it was a way to get out of the relationship?" I ask again.

"Why would you even say something like that?" He asks. "If you could remember you'd know that was not even close to the reason I didn't tell you. I didn't tell you because I didn't want you to feel forced to love me again, I wanted it to be real." My heart jumped at the word love.

"You love me?" I ask, feeling so small.

"Of course I love you," he said like it was the most obvious thing in the world. "If I didn't why would I be here?"

Why would I be here?

Why would I be here?

"Screw what she thinks, why would I be here if I didn't care about you? Even though you're not famous you've grew to be one of the best people in my life. That's a big thing that I like about you, is that you aren't famous. You're real, probably the realest person I've ever fucking met, Liv. I know it's only been a week we've known each other but I really feel a vibe with you. I want you in my life, as a friend, and maybe, some day, as more, but for real please don't listen to shit like that," he said, with plead in his eyes begging me to believe him.

"I want you in my life too, I know you don't care about that stuff," I said with a small smile.

"Please don't listen to her, I really do want you in my life," he sighed pulling me in a hug.

"I know, I know," I said rubbing his back, "But Alex, we probably should get going before I'm late."

"Oh shit, yeah," he said sending a smile my way before turning the car back on.

"Olivia? Oh god not again, please god. I can't do this again," Alex sobbed quietly.

"I remember." I said quietly.

"Yo-you what?" Alex asked lifting his head from his hands.

"I remember you."