"It's really not a hard question to answer," I said quietly after 10 minutes or so of complete silence. We had decided to sit outside so we could get some cold air. Neither of us brought a jacket and I deeply regretted it.
He didn't respond, he just sat there with a twisted look on his face. His eyes weren't looking at mine. I desperately wanted to tell him I love him and that whatever his answer is it won't affect us, but I knew it will. If he told me he didn't want a future then this would all become meaningless because I'd lose hope in us, but if he said that he does want a future with me then everything would be alright. I wouldn't have to worry and Luke wouldn't have to worry either. That is if he was still worried about Ashton and I.
"What's the question again?" Was all he said. I couldn't help but scoff. I shook my head and looked down at my arms. My goosebumps were even more visible than 5 minutes ago. I tried to rub them off but it didn't help. Luke shifted his gaze to me and I kept my eyes on my arms so I didn't have to look at him.
"Where do you see yourself in 10 years?" I repeated my question. "Do you think we'd be together in 10 years?"
"Jess, why do we have to talk about this now?" He sighed and held my numb hands in his.
"Because it's important to me,"
"We've only been dating for a few months, why is it such a big deal?" He said. I would have pulled my hands from his but I was too cold to do such a thing.
"Stop dodging my question," I said. And his eyes did something I've never seen them do before, they looked like someone had sucked all the life out of them.
"I don't see us together in 10 years," he told me. I nodded slowly, showing I understood when I really didn't. I wanted to ask him why but I couldn't find my voice.
What happens now, I thought. Do we continue to act the way we were 5 days ago, when we didn't know any of this?
My heart was racing and I could feel my palms start to clam up. Why didn't he think we would be together?
"It's unrealistic," he said, answering my unasked question. I shook my head, I didn't understand why it was so unrealistic. My frozen hands were still in his large warm hands. I wanted to pull away from him, I wanted to run away as far as I could, I wanted to be as far away from him possible, I wanted to get away.
"Jess," Calum says and snaps me out of my daydream. More like a nightmare. I make an odd grunt sort of noise to let him know I'm listening to his story about how he spent his winter break. I had planned to go to New York but I couldn't because my dad had been sick for a week or two and I had to stay with him, so I stayed at home, watched movies, ate lots and lots of thanksgiving and Christmas leftovers and deserts and just winter-y themed foods.
"Hello," Michael says and joins us. We're sitting at a lunch table inside, because it's already winter. So far it's only Calum, Michael, Harry, and I at the lunch table. Ashton joins us next, followed by Elena and then Luke. Elena fills the gap between Harry and I and I'm thankful that I don't have to sit next to Luke. We haven't spoken. He's tried to make conversation but I awkwardly find a way to get out of it and then walk away. I'm not sure what's going on with us, if there's still an us, if we broke up without having to say anything about it.
"I can't sit here," Luke speaks up. He's still standing behind the empty space in between Harry and Ashton. It's pretty obvious he can't sit there because the space isn't big enough for his broad shoulders.
"I'll sit there then," I shrug and he shakes his head. I know he's just trying to get Elena to volunteer to sit there so he can sit next to me and try to talk to me. Elena stands up and takes the empty seat and Luke sits down next to me. He turns his entire body so he's facing me completely.
"Why are you avoiding me?" He says plainly. Has he forgotten about the wedding?
"I'm not," I say instead of calling him out on everything he said that night. He raises his eyebrows. Something's different about him. I can't tell what it is though. Maybe his eyes became a darker shade of blue. Or his hair got darker. He's not wearing black, maybe that's it. He looks even better in white than he does in black.
"You haven't spoken to me since before winter break," he says sadly.
"Sorry,"
"How was Australia?" Harry asks him but Luke brushes him off. I forgot about the Australia trip to see his aunt.
"I'm sorry," he sighs and his shoulders slump. He tries to pull me into a hug put he narrowly misses me because I quickly duck.
"For what? You have nothing to be sorry for," I say simply.
"Then why do you keep fucking doing this?" He groans and I shoot him a puzzled look. "I wan to touch you, Jess. I miss you."
"You're just afraid to be alone," I say, shaking my head. "You don't really miss me. You can't."
"What are you talking about?" He says. "You don't think I fucking missed you?"
"Can you please stop swearing every 2 minutes?" I say shrilly. He nods and I stand up. "I have to go."
"Where?" He says and follows me out the cafeteria. I stop him from following me out the school and to my car.
"The hospital," I say and lay my hand on his warm chest to keep him from going any further.
"Why? Do you have an appointment today? I'll drive you," he says and starts searching his pockets for his keys. I shake my head and he furrows his brows. "What?"
"I've been having lunch everyday with Nathan since winter break started. He's getting out of the hospital today and he wants me there," I say. He looks confused. Does he really not remember Nathan? Well I never really introduce them but I have talked about Nathan plenty of times. I give him a small kiss on his hand that is holding mine against his chest and I quickly slip out of the front door.
