Nowhere

XXXIII - Thirty three

•Duri•

Satisfied, that's what I wasn't, I wasn't satisfied. My head pounded as soon as I jolted out of bed, it was only three in the morning and sweat lathered my blanket like I just got out of a freezing pool - although it wasn't freezing and it was hotter than the sun. My eyes blinked rapidly as I tried to wake myself up from that reoccurring nightmare, it never stopped. Pulling off the sticky blanket I limped out of my bed. My body hurt again, my eyes stung and my breath was low and shaky, I didn't like it. "I love you so much!" A calm, reassuring voice came to mind. My breathing slowed down for a moment but it didn't last long, "Duri..." the voice suddenly turned hoarse in my head and it was the same voice of JaeBum all over again.
Getting startled, I flinched and let out a exhale, don't think... don't think. I repeat to myself but nothing stops from groans filling my ears, it was all him again, and again like no end. It was basically looking if the earth had an edge, it was impossible because it kept going, round and round till you come back to the beginning. Calm down, calm down. Again I told myself as I slowly, trying to be steady, walked myself out of my room. Carefully, not making a sound, I made it to the bathroom where I deal with all my problems. It wasn't fair, my dad looked at me as if everything the doctor said just disappeared like it was a whole new reality. But could I blame him?
I really couldn't be sure. My hands were my eyes at this point, reaching for something to touch and to find, looking for the light switch and when I finally do I flip it till the light blinks on and stings my eyes. Squinting, I turned around closing the door making a soft creek. "Just tell me everything that goes down." I had the option to tell him but the inner feeling made me hesitate to turn back and grab the phone. Looking into the mirror I noticed how my eyes weren't bright although the light hit them straight on, they were just dull. The color black just matted like I was a blind dog, maybe I was a dog, a helpless, useless dog on the street looking for food but wasn't given any since it was too scary to look at. Yeah, that's exactly how
I felt.
My hair sticky and wet, it probably smelt bad. My skin looked oily and disgusting and my lips were chapped with bruises on it like I recently got beaten up but I suppose it was all my bite marks taking effect. I surely wasn't flawless. Ducking my head down I look down at my shaky hands, they were trembling like crazy. "Just want you to be safe" chewing again on my lip I didn't realize I began digging into the cavern behind the mirror, carefully placing things aside just to find the very thing I needed. Wincing every time the bottles of meds rattled when they fell and picking them back up hesitantly like my dad was going to question it.
Opening the bottle I gathered a handful of pills. White, round pills that had a line across it. leaning to look closer I could see more of my features that were failing to look fine. I pour water onto my hands not caring to get a water bottle, soaking the pills in the water I let all of the white tabs into my mouth and swallowed them down. The cold liquid falling from the side of my lip and I wipe it off with my sleeve. "He obviously liked it." I started to wish I died by now, feeling my head pound again I also started to wish these pills could work faster. Again, my heart started to run a marathon. Shutting my eyes I give out a heavy breath, "leave me alone...", I whimper but it's not like anyone heard it. "Drop it...", but I couldn't, the more I begged for the nightmares to end the more they keep coming, just the other day it wasn't that bad.
"Let it go...", None of it was working, taking the pills I poured more into my hands hoping it'll subside something, anything. Combing my hair back with my fingers I let out a heavy, restless sigh feeling my throat get dry like a desert. Swallowing down the few tablets in my hand I felt it slowly go down my throat, I gave out a shaky sigh again but this time it sounded like I was choking. "Can't you just get over it?" I started to question, holding my hands to my temples. "Is it all my fault this actually happened? And now Yugyeom wants more of me? - or if I could even say that, he only wants to care. - this is unfair... all of it is... why can't all of it be back to normal? I want to go back to normal... I don't want to drown in fear again and again and again and-" I cut myself off, shuffling myself away from the mirror to prevent myself from looking at myself as I cried, it was a stupid thing to be worried by looking at yourself in the mirror but it scared me.
Water dripping from my eyes with pink tinted cheeks and a red nose, quivering lips and messy hair, it scared me although I never understood why. My hands traveled their way to my eyes suddenly I had to gulp down a ball in my throat but it didn't disappear, feeling a sudden wave through my body as I go limp I started to feel my exhale get scattered like my thoughts. I stop thinking, I stopped worrying but the voices in the back of my head didn't stop taunting their way towards my heart as I start to let out a long, sorrow cry that hurt my throat. I wanted to say it was cruel but maybe I did something to get this, maybe I deserved this. At the same time, I didn't want to believe I did.
A part of me still wanted to believe it was an accident, just only if JaeBum has said sorry, then it'll all go back to normal, wouldn't it? Clenching my teeth together I didn't want to let out a sob and as hard as I tried to hold it in it kept rolling out. I felt like I was suffocating, maybe it was better if I was past the drowning part. I wanted to try it so bad but I was afraid that if I did... No one will care.

To be continued...

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