Consumed By You |Shawn Mendes|

Reinvention

Five months later.
December 10 2020.

•••

I woke up to the sounds of the weekend night life of the city.

Loud couples, friends and lovers. Music playing from different clubs and bars. Shatter, laughing, the cars honking and shouting.

I dreaded these sounds for the first two months, but now it was my alarm or lullaby depending on the time.

I moved back home five months ago.

I gave up my apartment in Downtown LA, Thankfully lily helped me get the management office to go easy on me for breaking my contract, still made a pretty hole in my pocket but it was necessary.

Steph understood why I needed to move back, she was a lifesaver in helping me polish my resume and she even got me on her team to become a fashion influencer. Which basically meant I was in some way a model for the plus size world, which in my old life I would never do because I am so self conscious but after Much thought into it, I figured why not be apart of a movement to change the stigma of the fashion world on woman and their sizes. Steph knew my move and this new job would go hand and hand because New York City has all the major agencies and with Steph behind me I was a shoe in. It was tough and still is for me to be in front of a camera but I've learned to just be honest with myself and the people around me, and it's been working out so far in my favor. I'm still very new in the "fashion world" so thankfully I don't go to noticed in the street, only every once in a while someone will ask if I was the girl who dated Shawn Mendes but it's a rarity for sure so it doesn't bother me as much now as it did before.

Shawn.

Well after he showed up to my mothers grave sight I appreciated the gesture he made for me and everything but it didn't change anything I had said to him in my letter.

Still doesn't.

He will probably always be my person, but I know I'm not for him and after months of therapy I have learned to accept what I did and not beat myself up over it too much .

Do I miss him? Everyday.

But us together in the headspace I was wrapped into wasn't good. I needed a break, a break to find myself. Me without another person, but me as me.

After awhile he got the hint that I needed space and time not just for a few weeks for awhile, maybe forever. I don't know, life has a way of just letting you know and this was that time where life knew it was time to quit. So he did, and yes it hurt more when I knew he wasn't going to chase me but that was when I knew this will be my first breakthrough, and it was.

I cut all times, as much as I could for the most part. I deleted my old Instagram account, made my "professional" one, Shawn's fans still happened to find it but I just let it be and I keep it for business which my manager and the team usually works on.

I have a team, which is so weird to say but it's true. Jessie is my manager, I have Simon who is my public relations , my coach who is Marlo and my make up team is Syd, Mia, Drew and Jacob. I have a photographer his name is Felipe. It feels so surreal sometimes to know I have this group of people in my life day in and day out, we have grown a bound in the last five months so it's become easier for me to have them around and see them more as a family unit then just work which has made this whole new life changing experience a little easier to digest.

Rose was making her hit even in LA after finally moving in with John. I unfortunately missed their celebration of the big move because I was busy with work and I didn't want to risk running into Shawn, and have us make it just super uncomfortable and awkward. Rose understood and I sent her a keurig and a huge portrait of her and John that I stole and had made just for them. They loved it and Rose forgave me for not coming, even though she understood why.