I'm Sorry // 5sos sister

55. Arguing and Giving Up

"No way! She is not going back with you.  She belongs here with me and the guys.  Not you.  You were the one that gave her up in the first place.  Why would I ever let you take her from me?"  I couldn't believe it.  She wanted to take me from Ashton.  All that I could do was just sit there as Ashton and Anne Marie fought over me.  Anne Marie kept saying how it would be better for me to go back with her because I would be in a more stable environment and she could keep a closer eye on me.  I didn't even want to think of the idea of going back with her.  I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes as I watched Ashton stand up from the table and lean over our mother with an expression I had never before seen from him.  

I had to go back to the hotel, Ashton was scaring me with the amount of rage that had built up inside of him.  I could tell that he was about to break something, or worse hurt someone.  As I ran out of the cafe I heard him calling my name, but that hint of anger was still very evident in his voice.  I ran as fast as I possibly could back to the hotel and I ran past the group of fans waiting outside.  I could hear some of them call for me and ask me what was wrong and then I heard others make hateful comments about how I deserved to be upset.  

Michael wasn't in the room when I got there so I figured he must be out with Calum and Luke or something.  I also noticed that Brenna and Sam didn't seem to be anywhere.  They usually hung out in my room because we had the XBox set up.  I paced the room as I tried to push the thoughts out of my head along with all of the hateful comments that some of the fans had made.  I had snuck a blade with me and I could see it in my head, taunting me.  It was like it was calling to me, telling me to do it.  

I tried to fight the urge for as long as I possibly could.  I tried to convince myself how the guys would be upset because they thought I hadn't brought it with me.  I knew they wouldn't be able to fully understand.  They were used to the hate and knew how to deal with it.  I couldn't.  It was a struggle for me not to just go and grab the blade.  It was even a struggle to not think about it.  

I kept staring at the bathroom door.  I knew it was just behind that door, it would be so simple.  The guys would be sad, but they would eventually get over it.  They have before.  I just wanted to give up.  I wanted it to be all over.  Suicide wasn't supposed to be the answer.  Luke had stopped.  He has been clean.  I'd tried to be clean.  But, it was just too hard.  I guess I'm not as strong as him and Ashton.  I heard Ashton banging on my hotel door.  I just couldn't bear to open it and him see me like this.  

I went to the bathroom and closed and locked the door.  That's when Ashton started yelling.  He had heard me close the door.  Damn it.  I knew I should have closed it lightly.  I grabbed the blade out from my makeup bag.  Michael had checked everything but that.  I had hidden it very well this time.  They would never be able to get all of my blades from me, unless I decided to flush them all, which was very unlikely.  I turned it over and over in my palm studying it.  Ashton had stopped yelling and banging on the door.  I knew I only had a small amount of time before he would get the hotel manager to open the door and come and find me.  I quickly took off my bracelets and cut as many times as I could on each of my wrists.  I wasn't sattisified so I moved down to my thighs.  I cut a lot.  I put toilet paper on them to help stop a bit of the blood.  

I put pressure on them until they stopped bleeding and then quickly fixed myself.  I wet my hair in the sink so that I could say I was just getting a shower.  I put a towel on my head and adjusted my clothes and bracelets so that they covered what I had just done.  I walked out of the bathroom and saw Ashton and the manager standing in the living room.  Ashton immediatelt rushed over to me and looked at me in the eyes.  "Jess why didn't you let me in? I was banging and yelling and you didn't answer me once."  He said as he pulled me into a tight hug.  I fought back the pain and just told him that I was in the shower.  

"Why did you run out of the cafe J?"  He asked me as we both sat on the couch and he pulled me into him again, resting his chin on the top of my head.  

"You were scaring me Ashton, I have never seen you get that angry before and you scared me, so I ran.  I didn't want to think of that everytime I see you."  I said as I pulled away from him and scooted a little but further away from him on the couch.  I could see the hurt in his eyes.  

"Jess, I never meant to scare you, it's just that mom can't take you from me.  Not now, not ever.  I was the one that went looking for you, not her.  I was the one that found you and brought you in.  When I first told her, she was angry.  She didn't want me to adopt you.  She had basically forgotten completely about you.  I am determined to keep you here with us.  I know Michael, Calum, and Luke will also be pissed when they find out what she wanted to do.  But you are not leaving us, not now, not ever."  He said to me with a determined look on his face.  After he finished he stood up and kissed my cheek then left.  I'm just hoping that he is right.  

* Yay new chapter! Ok so I'm just warning you that it is about to end in like 2 chapters so I want you guys to be prepared for it.  I am going to be writing another book to this.  So yeah, vote and comment and tell your friends about it and I appreciate shoutouts on IG and Twitter and everything so yeah :) *