Don't Look Back - A Niam Horayne Love Story

Chapter 3 - You Know I Love You

I let him kiss me, allowed my hands to wander his body and a few moans to escape by throat. He was a bit more into it than I was, pulling me in closer and angling his head. I lost my breath and was forced to separate our lips, pressing my forehead to his with our noses rubbing softly.

“Whatever you say, my adorable little leprechaun,” I teased. He scrunched his eyebrows together, mouth forming a cute pout.

“Li, I’m not adorable…” He said, trying to make me agree with him.

“You know, acting like a little kid who wants attention isn’t helping your case,” I chuckled down at him, and he immediately rose and composed his face.

“I know,” he smirked, “but you love it. Admit it.”

I sighed, defeated. “Fine. Nialler, you’re the sexiest, fittest, most handsome leprechaun to ever live. I love you,” I added as an afterthought.

“Aw, Li. I love you too,” He replied, melting into my arms.

We got up when we heard the other boys heaving their things down the stairs, being helpful for once and grabbing things they were having difficulty with. Once everything was loaded into our usual van that Paul was driving, I let out a relieved sound.

“Good job, boys, we actually packed ourselves up on time for once!” I congratulated them.

“Ooh, do we get something special?” Louis asked curiously.

I chuckled. “Sure, Lou. I’ll buy you all something to eat on the way back. Now get in the van before we make ourselves late, since we’re doing so well currently.”

In response to my request, Harry began sliding his feet as slowly as possible toward me. Louis glanced back, saw what he was planning, and copied him. Zayn and Niall chuckled before joining the turtle-paced couple.

I felt as if I was going to pull my hair out if they continued to torture me. “Come on, guys, the one time we’re actually not late and you just have to drag your feet. Get your bums moving and get in here already, or I’ll take back my earlier statement about the snacks!” This resulted in a pile of boys landing on top of me, and me falling back onto the front row of seats. Sighing, I removed myself from the bottom and claimed a seat for myself as the others struggled to untangle their bodies.

The ride home was much quieter than our ride out. Louis and Harry weren’t pestering us to tell them where we were going, none of us were too filled with energy, and we’d all remembered our phones or iPods or at least something to do. Putting in my headphones, I clicked a random song and lapsed into thought.

When Niall and I were mucking around earlier, I hadn’t felt it. “It”, as in, the connection of two people in love. We sure had a connection, and I enjoyed the comfort his embrace brought me, but it no longer felt like he was my lover.

Thoughts of what was happening were scaring me. I knew we were young, and there was a good chance that relationships started now wouldn’t last forever. We were still basically kids. But nobody could blame me for hoping Niall was the one for me. I’d felt he was, for a long time. It wasn’t until the spark started dying out recently that I even considered not being in love with him.

I knew I still wanted him by my side. I still felt possessive over him, just as I had any other day. I still wanted to protect him from anything and everything and I still felt like I needed him. The question was in what way did I need him?

Did I really, truly love Niall Horan? I knew I had been in love with him once. We had fallen deep, and very quickly. Was it possible to fall out of love? I didn’t think it would be so easy to lose control of your feelings for someone you believed to be your soul mate.

If I lost Niall, what would I do? He was everything to me. I lived and breathed for him. He was always on my mind, whether I was craving him or just thinking random things about the beautiful boy. I still found him just as visually attractive as any other time since we’d met. But I knew something had changed, as much as I didn’t want to say anything.

I wanted everything to go back to the way it was. When I could be sure of my love for Niall and his love for me. When I knew we were going to last and I would have no need to be pondering if our relationship was a good idea. I missed knowing there was someone I could count on to always be there, whenever I needed him, however I needed him. Niall was everything I could’ve asked for in a boyfriend. So why was I considering letting him go?

The spark, that flame of love and passion, had almost entirely died down between us. At least it had done so for me; I had no idea if Niall even felt any of what I was going through. I assumed not; he wasn’t one to keep something big inside for a long period of time.

I loved Niall. I loved the other boys. I loved my family. I loved our fans. I loved people in general. What type of love did I have for each? All of them were purely platonic love except possibly Niall, yet I still told them I loved them all the time and didn’t feel as if I was lying. Was Niall any different? Could it be that I was able to tell Niall I loved him because I did still care for him, but not in the same way I had before?

My brain was going into overdrive, wondering who I loved and how I loved them and why I even felt a need to think over all this in the first place. God, how I wished love was simple. But love can never be easy, right? That just doesn’t happen.

I may love Niall, but I wasn’t in love with him.