Often I am upset
That I cannot fall in love
But i guess
This avoids the stress of
Falling out of it
Evangeline
Nobody loves me. It's because of who I am, and what I want to be and what I believe. It's not my fault. I don't think it's anyone's fault. Why does gender even exist, if it requires all this...nonsense? It's as though I'm defined by the way I was born.
And it's not fair.
It's darker than usual tonight. I could run. I still could. Tolly would be heartbroken, of course, my father would be angry, my mother would be disgusted. I send a needle into the wall, angry with myself. Elane would be...I can't think about her. She thinks I'm a freak. But I'll show her. I show all of them. The sun won't be up for hours. I could do so much in one night. So, so much. But if I ran, they would haunt me in my dreams. So instead, I call to the shard of steel on my floor. And I take it to my hair, and the silver white mess falls to the floor, like it didn't know. In a way, I suppose the poor strands didn't know their fate.
And I don't think I'll ever fall in love. I will never fall like the strands on the floor.
Are you tired of me yet
I'm a little sick right now
But i swear
When i'm ready
I will fly us out of here
-Evan-
Evangeline,
You don't know the half of it. I don't think you could fathom what I've been through. It's been a few weeks, since I've had air though both of my nostrils. It's bright this morning, and it wasn't as though the night was that dark. It seems to have been getting brighter. Why haven't you called? Are you okay? I hope you know you can always talk to me. I feel like I'm being suffocated. But I'll come and get you eventually, okay? I promise. I hope you're not tired of me.
Always,
E.
Cut my hair
To make you stare
Hide my chest
And i'll figure out
A way to get us out of here
Evangeline
The morning comes slowly. I didn't sleep, and Evan's letter trembles in my hands. Why haven't you called? Are you okay? No. I'm not okay. And I believe this letter is a figment of my own imagination. I cleaned up my hair soon after I shed it, and my head feels better now. The binder I own will go to good use today, for I am no longer Evangeline. And my family will care. And others will care. Cal will care, Maven will care, and does anyone else care? I think they would. But the glass has shattered. And I don't know if I could ever go back to who I was before. Back to what I was before.
The only person who won't care is Evan. And I don't even know if he's real, or just a figment of my own imagination.
Turn off your porcelain face
I can't really
Think right now
And this place
Has too many colors
Enough to drive all of us insane
-Evan-
Evan,
I am surrounded by people, so I apologize if my handwriting is horrible. I'm kind of buzzed. Ptolemus and Cal are being weird, and Elane keeps nibbling on my neck. I'm at a pride parade, and there are so many colors! Flags are waving, music is playing, and it's so much fun. I wish you were here. But I know you're going through things. I'm going to come get you. I promise, Evan. Nice name change. You know I love you. Stop worrying so much, we are going to get out of here. I mean I'm going to get you out of here. I promise.
